This came in email today. I've heard most if not all of these before. I believe i've heard them in the context of a standup act rather than as attributed below. The first one sounds more like Dennis Miller than Yassir Arrafat. Can anyone provide actual sources for these quotes:
Quotes from famous people > >(On going to war over religion) >"You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary >friend." > -Yasir Arrafat (PLO leader) > >(On the difference between men and women >"On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we >can open all our own jars." >- Bruce Willis > >"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on >me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" > - George Burns > > "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? > 'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock > >"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted >sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. >Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the >computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" >-Jason Alexander (from Seinfeld) > >"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." >-Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996) > > "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole >relationships." >- Sharon Stone > >"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: >Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." >- Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State) > >"My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading." >- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers) > >"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but >he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." >- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady) > >"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the >natural enemy of a tighttrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman) > >"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid >problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger > >"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." >- Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends") > >"Hockey is a sport for white men. >Basketball is a sport for black men. >Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods > >"Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive >scrotum!'" - >Patricia Arquette > >"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in >poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently >doing >quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead) > >"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by >a Great white or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." >- Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses) > >"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment >turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson > >"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." >- Jack Nicholson
quote:Originally posted by RagnarPaulson: This came in email today. I've heard most if not all of these before. I believe i've heard them in the context of a standup act rather than as attributed below. The first one sounds more like Dennis Miller than Yassir Arrafat. Can anyone provide actual sources for these quotes
I've heard all of them, but never with such bizarre attributions. Some of them I'm positive are George Carlin lines (or if they're not, they should be). I expect they're buried somewhere in ULRP...
quote:"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)
I just heard a similar wisecrack on an old Gallagher video from over 15 years ago. But it wasn't mentally ill, it was "stupid people." As Gallagher put it, 25% of all people are stupid, but the unemployment rate is (or was then) 10%. Makes you wonder about the 15% who are in the workforce!