Virus vs. Antivirus; Are they really at odds… …or in bed together casting their pre-rape ‘Googly-gaze’ at you? By Harry S. Truman
Before I get into all the evidence I’ve unearthed and the damaging statements I’ve procured, I would like to ask you a rhetorical question. If you were in the multi-billion dollar business of protecting the public by identifying and destroying computer worms, spy-ware, mal-ware and viruses, how much incentive would you have to create these vicious programs and send them out among the masses to wreak havoc on your customers? Yes, the answer is obvious. Plenty! One more question before I start exposing our self-appointed, so-called protectors. (This one’s even more rhetorical than the first.) How long are we as a society going to lie down with our legs open and let charlatans like these have their way with us?
Now, to the meat of the issue, I started my research by corresponding with dozens of employees and several spokespeople from some of the more prestigious S.P.C.’s (Software Protection Companies). All of them categorically denied any complicity in the creation or dissemination of computer attacking software. Man, was I relieved. Such honest candor was refreshing. Being an altruistic believer in the innate goodness of human nature, I decided to reward some of the men I had talked to with a few private parties in their honor. I chose three married men and sent a rather attractive female with few inhibitions (if any), along with a very discreet photographer, to prepare a private party for each of them. Wonder of wonders, after some very good work by my ‘party planners’, I received three extremely frantic phone calls. All three men had engaged in the rewards offered to them and were suddenly eager to give me a more in-depth, follow-up interview. I was deeply touched by each miraculous change of heart, my friends. Obviously, human compassion, morals and adherence to principles is still alive and well in the software protection industry.
Interview # 1: This software protection employee, who I will refer to as Mr. B., works for one of the top S.P.C.’s, which shall remain nameless, but I’ll just call them ‘The Scottish Menace’.
HST: Hello Mr. B., I’m so grateful for this interview.
Mr. B: What do you want to know, Truman?
HST: Just the facts, Sir. Does your company create and disseminate computer attacking software of any kind.
(It remained quiet for a long time.)
HST: Mr. B., if you decide not to do the interview that’s fine. In thanks I’ll be sure to send your wife some attractive photographs to place on her mantle. I’ll also make sure your wife’s friends and her mother all receive some as well.
Mr. B: That won’t be necessary. No, we don’t produce ‘any’ kind of computer attacking software, Mr. Truman. We produce ‘every’ kind. And there’s a lot more in production. It’s our biggest budget for R&D, designing new software to counter-act all the new protection software that’s out there.
HST: And, Mr. B., does your company also engage in the spreading of these viruses that they design?
Mr. B: Absolutely. (He chuckled here as if I had asked a stupid question. I felt like punching him in the mouth…So I did).
That was not the only interview, my friends, but I’m sure you get the idea. The other employees confessed to more of the same and I have all three interviews recorded (including some very entertaining footage of Mr. B. searching my office carpeting for pieces of his, previously, perfect smile. It’s an addition to my video library that I will treasure forever). Some might claim that the interviews I conducted lack credibility due to my methods, but all three of these pompous jackasses worked for different companies, yet all of three of them divulged their company’s practice of committing the same vulgar offenses. I was sickened by them and refuse to give their words another spot of ink (even if it is of the ethereal, cyber kind). In addition to the interviews, I have also collected dozens of statements from several sources (including law enforcement officials). They tell how viruses, spy-ware and mal-ware have been traced back to S.P.C.’s time and time again without a single charge being brought against these companies. True, in most cases, the evidence was weak, but even in cases where the evidence against an S.P.C. was overwhelming, not a single case has ever once been pursued. Instead, the evidence and the charges were squashed from the highest of levels. These cases simply disappeared, my friends, leaving the lower-level, hard working investigators, who had put these airtight cases together and tracked down these corporate criminals, baffled and frustrated. Don’t you find it odd? Why has there never been a single case of distribution brought against these S.P.C.’s when they, obviously, have the most incentive to produce and distribute them. No. Unfortunately, it’s not odd at all. It’s the same old story. This is just more politics, money and corruption. Hoodlums on the street are what they are and it’s high time we banded together to bring these bandits to justice.
My Pro-Active Solution Since my name-sake wasn’t afraid to drop the big one—twice! Here are some of my explosive suggestions for stopping their Virus/Anti-virus cycle of extortion…
1- Make it a felony, punishable by life in prison without parole, for anyone found guilty of virus, spy-ware or mal-ware production / dissemination. One strike and you’re out, no exceptions. 2- Make virus protection software of any kind against the law to sell or use. That’s right. I want to outlaw the software that protects you. If no one buys the protection software, then there’s no incentive for someone to make viruses, especially when coupled with a ‘life in prison’ deterrent. 3- If a virus is discovered in a system we treat it like an outbreak of Ebola! We quarantine it, dispatch an armed team of highly trained computer scientists and confiscate every hard drive, thumb drive and storage device associated to the problem until we find out who the culprit was that wrote it. If we can’t discover him within 10 days, everyone suspected loses their computer privileges for six months. (No, it’s not fair. Neither is life, get over it.) 4- Finally, if the above plan doesn’t work to eliminate all computer viruses within a year, try something else until we solve the problem. (Wow, there’s a thought. Imagine if we actually addressed an issue using teeth instead of rhetoric?)
But, unfortunately, the above plan will never happen, thanks to all of you Nay-saying jerks who just dismissed it as outrageous before you even finished reading. Was that you? I’m sorry. That was rude of me. You’re not a jerk. You’re just part of the mooing masses, another mooing cow in a huge pasture of other mooing cows, doing nothing but grazing. That’s right. You’re just standing there with a big bovine look on your face and chewing cud greedily grazed from the chip-ridden pasture of a doomed society. And there are so many of you Status-quo, solution-bankrupt Cows that you’re taking the few of us human beings who are actually thinking up solutions down with you! Because of you we’re a reactive society and the only positive result of the mass-insanity to which you contribute (by not contributing anything at all) will be the hastened end to our species. It actually pleases me when I realize that Mother Nature won’t have you around for long. She’s a fickle lady and will not tolerate your shortsightedness. I think global warming is her reaction to your reactionary philosophy. She’s turning up the heat on you and thinking, ‘Let’s see if these idiots will just sit back and wait until it’s too late to address this problem.’ I’m sure you’ll fail her test miserably. Your grade will be a big, red ‘E’ and it will stand for ‘EXTINCT’. I just wish you weren’t taking me with you!
Posted by snopes on :
quote:If you were in the multi-billion dollar business of protecting the public by identifying and destroying computer worms, spy-ware, mal-ware and viruses, how much incentive would you have to create these vicious programs and send them out among the masses to wreak havoc on your customers? Yes, the answer is obvious. Plenty!
If you were in the multi-billion dollar business of protecting the public by treating and preventing illness and disease, how much incentive would you have to create malicious viruses and send them out among the masses to wreak havoc on your patients? Yes, the answer is obvious. Plenty!
Posted by Pseudo_Croat on :
Methinks the writer of this article needs to get more fiber in his diet. That and a tinfoil hat.
Besides, if someone were to enact the draconian measures he advocates, it would only make the situation worse. The virus writers would go underground. While they did their dirty work, the public, who now lack anti-virus programs, would be helpless against their deadly payloads. This would make society collapse faster than global warming ever could.
Also, ad-hominem attacks don't help your side any.
Can't comment on the authenticity of his conversation with the a-v company employee. With no names or other leads to go on, one is stuck.
- Pseudo "doodoo defeats Truman" Croat
Posted by greatbeast on :
Well its clear the story is authentic nonsense. Im not sure if its meant to be funny or not. I get the impression its as valid as "The Onion" is for news.
Virus writers are already underground, I know in the USA there are harsh penalties for writing evil code.
I mostly found it kind of silly, thought I would pass it on.
Posted by greatbeast on :
Plenty![/QUOTE]If you were in the multi-billion dollar business of protecting the public by treating and preventing illness and disease, how much incentive would you have to create malicious viruses and send them out among the masses to wreak havoc on your patients? Yes, the answer is obvious. Plenty!
- snopes [/QB][/QUOTE]
Don't do that, I'll end up filling a bathtub with Lysol again and soaking for three days again
Posted by Troberg on :
They don't need to write viruses, most of the virus killers are harder to uninstall than a virus and they screw up other software worse than the average virus.
Posted by Ulkomaalainen on :
quote:Originally posted by greatbeast: I get the impression its as valid as "The Onion" is for news.
But TO is more fun to read.
Besides that, I think the author does not think it through, to put it mildly.
The harsh punishments suggested lack perspective compared to other crimes and would be very costly regarding its doubtful value. (And "using your teeth" as "trying until we fail" is nice).
Guess what: not all computers are situated in the US. So, without any AV software, how do you protect yourself from some teenage boy in rural Slovakia writing a new virus?
Oh, this may get me started on how this guy has apparently no clue about how "the internet" works. If I find a virus on a PC, I'll just shut that PC off. Sure that helps. I think I better stop here.
Ulko "Moooooo" maalainen
PS: about the question in the OP: no way that it is. The incentive may be there, but there's enough real viruses there, too, so no need to become a criminal on your own.
Posted by Quttaus on :
Heh, just clicked on the popularparanoia.com link...and what did I find there?
You guessed it! Banner ads for McAfee, Nortons and Earthlink virus protection programs.
I love tinfoil hat sites
Posted by PhiloPharynx on :
Here's another point. You're being blackmailed by somebody who obviously believes that antivirus companies write viruses. Are you going to:
a) tell the truth and have your life ruined. b) lie, and hope he'll be so busy spreading these lies that he'll forget about what you're doing.
Posted by GenYus on :
Also, assuming this guy really blackmailed the executives as he said: If he is willing to go to those lengths to get a story, how much do you trust him to report their replies accurately?
Posted by musicgeek on :
Anyone else have visions of Wilford Brimley? "Not just screwin', mind you, but other things, oral 'n' such, that might be hard for a young wife to forgive and forget..."