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Author Topic: 'Crimes' that Deserve Capital Punishment [Tongue in Cheek]
Donovan
Deck the Malls


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quote:
A Disclaimer: Everything said in this thread it to be considered to be tongue-in-cheek. Any statement made herein shall not, and cannot, be used to speculate on the poster’s personal opinion on Capital Punishment, or crimes deserving it. Anybody taking anything seriously in this thread shall be punished by fifty (50) lashes with a wet noodle. Second offense shall entail the offender being required to personally respond to any e-mail received by any registered user that contains any kind of Urban Legend for a period of thirty (30) days. Third offense will be punishable by a life-time sentence of trying to reply, in a meaningful way that the recipient can truly understand, to all e-mails received by snopes that he [or Barbara] wish to submit. This tread shall be taken optically only. No responsibility for any side-effects caused by oral or topical application. Not valid for anybody living in Pern, Arakkis or sectors R and M. Any violations will be handled by the Department of the Redundancies Department, and the Natural Guard. Signed – George M. Tirebiter


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Illius me paenitet, dux (Latin for fun and business)

"It's like trying to hawk pork chops at a kosher PETA banquet." - Esprise Me

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Donovan
Deck the Malls


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Okay, first on the list:

Parking Lot Vultures: Especially in the Christmas Season. Especially when the person they are waiting on is a little old lady who has just started loading her entire basket-full into her vehicle. The sentence should be carried out immediately, to include their entire vehicle. Innocent passengers shall be given a 15 second escape window.

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Illius me paenitet, dux (Latin for fun and business)

"It's like trying to hawk pork chops at a kosher PETA banquet." - Esprise Me

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TrekkerScout
Deck the Malls


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Re: Parking Lot Vultures

I was the victim of one yesterday. The twist: I was the one in the parking stall ready to leave. The Vulture had pulled up so close to the stall that she gave me no room to back out. While she was waiting for me to back out (which I couldn't do), several cars pulled up behind her. Seeing that I couldn't leave, she yelled at the cars behind her to back up (they wouldn't) or go around (which they couldn't because there wasn't enough room). I actually had to get out of my truck and tell her to pull forward out of the way so I could get out or I would have to get store security. She wasn't too happy as she drove off.

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UrbanReindeer
Deck the Malls


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Hah! It isn't just me! I was ranting about parking stalkers on another thread.

My submission: Anyone who thinks stop signs, right-of-way, directional arrows in parking lots, etc. only apply to OTHER people. The rules exist for a reason. Stop at the NFBSKing stop sign. STOP, not "California rolling stop" where you sort of slow down but not really and there's like 10 whole feet between my car and you so just roll on through!.

Can you tell I tried to go to the mall today?

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"He feeds the sparrows of the field, but He doesn't sit there and cram worms into their mouths." -- Mouse

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Cervus
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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People who blare the bass on their car's stereo system loudly enough to be heard by people outside the car shall have all four tires and the stereo shot out. Additional body damage (both to car and driver) shall accrue for every ten (10) feet the stereo is audible from outside the car. Drivers whose car stereos set off seismographs and/or other car alarms shall have a hot poker inserted into their rectum in addition to reposession of their vehicle.

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"There is no constitutional right to sleep with endangered reptiles." -- Carl Hiaasen
Won't somebody please think of the adults!

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Doug4.7
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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quote:
Originally posted by Cervus:
People who blare the bass on their car's stereo system loudly enough to be heard by people outside the car shall have all four tires and the stereo shot out. Additional body damage (both to car and driver) shall accrue for every ten (10) feet the stereo is audible from outside the car. Drivers whose car stereos set off seismographs and/or other car alarms shall have a hot poker inserted into their rectum in addition to reposession of their vehicle.

I would only object when the bass is vibrating their car (bzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzz). If you are going to play your stereo that loud, tie down the rest of your car.....

I like to fool with the vultures by walking up an isle, act like I'm going for a car, then duck over to the next isle where my car actually is. Gets 'em every time....

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And now for something completely different...

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FrogFeathers
Grandma Got Run Over By a Gift Card


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People who slam and I mean slam vehicle doors, yell loudly, slam doors again, then rev the vehicle engine repeatedly before driving off while honking the horn...

At 2:30 AM!

[Big Grin]

Edited because I had a random ( for no reason.

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"Is it ME? Am I a MAGNET for these idiots?"~Pearl Forrester MST3K
Die-Hard Engineers, Big Red One my Dad's website
"Must be a 'snopes' thing..." ~my entire family when I try to explain something.

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UrbanReindeer
Deck the Malls


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quote:
I like to fool with the vultures by walking up an isle, act like I'm going for a car, then duck over to the next isle where my car actually is. Gets 'em every time....
This only works when I can actually remember which row I've parked in. I've probably done it plenty of times accidentally for just that reason though.

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"He feeds the sparrows of the field, but He doesn't sit there and cram worms into their mouths." -- Mouse

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queen of the bah-caramels
Jingle Bell Hock


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quote:
Originally posted by UrbanReindeer:
quote:
I like to fool with the vultures by walking up an isle, act like I'm going for a car, then duck over to the next isle where my car actually is. Gets 'em every time....
This only works when I can actually remember which row I've parked in. I've probably done it plenty of times accidentally for just that reason though.
I really believe my car moves itself at shopping malls. I remember where I left it ....but it's never there [Eek!]

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Focus On The Family- An opinion group who think more about Gay Sex than gay people do- Rick Mercer

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Sharpened Steel
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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People who can't respect personal boundaries in store lines. You know those people who stand on your heels even if you two are the only people in line. Punishment shall be a swift kick to the groin and a week locked in a room with a team of sweaty, garlic-loving, bean eating hockey players.

In this same vein, those idiots who take advantage of people who actually *do* respect personal boundaries by cutting in line and then claiming that the amount of space(a few inches) was enough to make them think that was where the line ended. Their punishment shall be the same plus 30 whacks from a hockey stick and an additional month of being the go-between for two prissy figure skater who refuse to talk to each other.

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Get used to his bad habits and decide whether you can put up with them...the rest of your life. 'Cause if you don't, then one day, you find yourself in the shed, sharpening the axe and idly wondering how thick the human skull really is.
-ChickyBee

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Amigone201
Happy Holly Days


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quote:
Originally posted by Sharpened Steel:
In this same vein, those idiots who take advantage of people who actually *do* respect personal boundaries by cutting in line and then claiming that the amount of space(a few inches) was enough to make them think that was where the line ended. Their punishment shall be the same plus 30 whacks from a hockey stick and an additional month of being the go-between for two prissy figure skater who refuse to talk to each other.

Tell them, firmly "the line begins here" and don't stop until they go.

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Check out my blog! http://fundiewatch.blogspot.com

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LyndaD
Jingle Bell Hock


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People who allow their kids to run amok in public places. As a parent and a teacher, I have a hard time believing you don't notice your child running through the store, eating grapes in produce and opening a bag of cookies, eating two, and putting the bag back on the shelf. Nor to I believe you don't care that your child has crawled under my table and is eating french fries off the floor.
So why don't you do something about it !!??

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I'll drive it ugly. You can't see the paint job when you're behind the wheel, anyway.

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Ms. Kringle
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Those Who Ram The Unsuspecting With Shopping Carts.

I cannot stand people who act like they don't see you, and slam their shopping cart into you in an attempt to insert it Where The Sun Does Not Shine.

They are closely related to People Who Block Store Aisles , and People Who Refuse To Respect Personal Space Boundaries While Waiting In Line .

All of the above should be forced to be around a bunch of sweaty people, who don't believe in personal hygiene, and who have been eating garlic, and drinking cheap beer. In a very, very small room. For at least 30 days.

And the shopping cart smashers? Should have a big, burly linebacker smashing a cart into their arses, while they are trapped in said small place, with nowhere to run.

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Beware corporate zombies! They will purchase your brain on E-Bay!

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queen of the bah-caramels
Jingle Bell Hock


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quote:
Originally posted by LyndaD:
People who allow their kids to run amok in public places. As a parent and a teacher, I have a hard time believing you don't notice your child running through the store, eating grapes in produce and opening a bag of cookies, eating two, and putting the bag back on the shelf. Nor to I believe you don't care that your child has crawled under my table and is eating french fries off the floor.
So why don't you do something about it !!??

Should I ever catch mine doing that, it's licking clean the septic tank .....or no pocket money for a month [Big Grin]

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Focus On The Family- An opinion group who think more about Gay Sex than gay people do- Rick Mercer

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Jay Temple
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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Closely related to People Who Block Store Aisles:
Drivers who stop in the middle of my street to converse with each other. I'm not crazy about the ones who stop to talk to a pedestrian, but they usually leave enough room to get by.

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"Well, it looks we're on our own ... again."--Rev. Lovejoy

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TrekkerScout
Deck the Malls


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Here's another involving the store checkout line:

Those who believe it's okay to leave the checkout to get that one forgotten item when the checker has nearly completed ringing up their items. People like that should be forced to spend an eternity behind the little old lady who insists that the stack of expired coupons she is attempting to use are still valid.

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LittleDuck
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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Akin to the bad drivers disrespecting signs - it says "No Left Turn" for a damn good reason. Taking a left out of that freaking parking lot not only snarls traffic in the busiest part of town, it also creates a serious danger. There's good reason one person has been serious injured and TWO killed in that area in the past few weeks.

And I second, third, and fourth the market asstam o' shanters, with the grocery carts and their attitude of singular existance.

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"Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie." -Apu (The Simpsons)

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Lady Moon
Jingle Bell Hock


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quote:
Originally posted by One-Horse Open Jay Temple:
Closely related to People Who Block Store Aisles:
Drivers who stop in the middle of my street to converse with each other. I'm not crazy about the ones who stop to talk to a pedestrian, but they usually leave enough room to get by.

I love you!!!

This is my personal major bugaboo here! I hate it when it's on the street, in the grocery aisle, or wherever! If you're gonna chat, ask if you can meet somewhere and TALK. DO NOT BLOCK.

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"We've got a fifth member of the band round here, and he's DEFINITELY out of tune!" -- Keith Moon

"If I had a thousand quid for every time I've introduced this song --- oh, I do!" -- John Entwistle

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mags
Jingle Bell Hock


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People who come in after the movie starts. Additional punishments accrue if they try to convince patrons who have been in their seats for 20 minutes to play musical chairs and shift into buffer seats (the single seats on either side of each party that polite people leave when a movie isn't sold to capacity) so that the members of the late party may sit together in good seats, rather than quickly taking a couple of seats in the five rows of empty seats down front.

On a related note, people who bring toddlers to a two hour or longer movie, and are surprised when the babies' attention span doesn't last that long, and try to hush them and try to force them to sit still, rather than taking them out in the lobby. VCRs and DVD players are very cheap these days. Once you have one, there is no excuse to pay twice as much or more to see a movie in a theater than to rent it later, if not being able to afford a babysitter is your problem.

People who come in late, and people with small children at a completely inappropriate movie for children will be sentenced to spend their time watching a movie in the same theater. Toddlers will be encouraged to disrupt the movie for anyone foolish enough to try to move into the buffer seats.

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mags
Jingle Bell Hock


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quote:
Originally posted by TrekkerScout:
Those who believe it's okay to leave the checkout to get that one forgotten item when the checker has nearly completed ringing up their items.

Arrgh. I once was at the store, with a few items in my hands, and only peripherally noticed as I walked around a cart about an entire cart length back from the empty register line I was heading for. If I had considered the cart at all, I'd assume it was one of the ones they sometimes use to collect abandoned items from the register so they can be restocked. Just as I got to the register and placed my items on the empty conveyor, a very pleasant woman shouted increduously at me "I was next in line!" Oh, that's interesting, considering I walked around the cart you left there at least two customers ago, but not around you! Forgive me for not realizing that if someone was in line and realized they forgot half the things they came for that they would leave the cart rather than take it with them, and expect anyone else to wait till she reclaimed "her" place.

I let her go in front of me, but only because she looked like she'd kick my ass.

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Singing in the Drizzle
Jingle Bell Hock


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People when driving find themselves in the wrong lane to make the turn they want and force themselves into the turn lane when the light changes. To teach them to go around the block, their car should be fix so that it can not make a ether a sharp right or left for a few months.
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sparklygirl
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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When driving on the highway at the posted speedlimit (or about 5 mph above it), those people who just have to pass you in the most dangerous spot then later down the road slow down below the posted speedlimit irk me. As for punishment...drive each day for a month in a vehicle with a crying toddler, and arguing siblings in the backseat while following a long line of Sunday drivers and unable to pass them.

People who let their children touch everything in a public restroom then leave restroom without washing their or their child's hands drive me crazy. I can't think of a fitting punishment for that.
Sparklygirl

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Few things are harder to put up with than a good example. -- Mark Twain
_ _______________________________ _

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

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Dreams of Thinking Machines
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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Can I name states of being? Like the state of being Glen Beck or the state of being Carlos Mencia...?

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Obi Wan: "Only a Sith deals in absolutes!"
Anakin: "Um, isn't your last statement an absolute?"

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Troberg
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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quote:
People who slam and I mean slam vehicle doors, yell loudly, slam doors again, then rev the vehicle engine repeatedly before driving off while honking the horn...
Related: People who slam the doors of other peoples vehicles so hard that the windows almost fall out. Punishment: Soften the door impact by putting their fingers there.

Another related: People, who usually don't have a car on their own, who gladly stack stuff on the roof or hood of your car while they are preparing to get in, and to make it even worse, slides the heavy stuff over the paintwork when they put it there and when they remove it. When their error is pointed out to them, they say "Oh, it's just a tiny scratch". At the wrong time of the year, a scratch that goes through to the metal will rust the part to shreds in a month, and fixing it will cost $400 or more. Thank you soooo effing much! Besides, even if it was just a tiny scratch, it's not your effing car to scratch! A variation is when loading large stuff into the trunk and they push it in, sliding it over the paint all the way. Punishment: Seen the scene in Sin City, where Marv interrogates a bad guy by driving with the door open and pushing his face into the asphalt? That's it.

People who thinks borrowing something is the same as being given a gift. "I promise, you'll have it back by friday." Yeah, right, now it's half a year and I still havn't got it. Punishment: Take all their stuff and give them a public bare bottom spanking until they cry like the immature crybabies they are.

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/Troberg

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FrogFeathers
Grandma Got Run Over By a Gift Card


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The door slamming/yelling/honking thing is currently happening and it isn't 230 AM... it is 309 AM. Jerks.

I also hate those people who stop in the middle of the road to talk to each other. Funny thing- in my case it is the same people who slam doors and talk loudly at 309 AM. We live on the corner of a T-shaped intersection so they block two streets of traffic when they do it.

Punishment will be akin to the garlic-loving, bean-eating hockey players and... their grandmothers who have all just eaten cabbage.

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"Is it ME? Am I a MAGNET for these idiots?"~Pearl Forrester MST3K
Die-Hard Engineers, Big Red One my Dad's website
"Must be a 'snopes' thing..." ~my entire family when I try to explain something.

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Monkster
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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quote:
Originally posted by Donovan Ravenhull:
Okay, first on the list:

Parking Lot Vultures: Especially in the Christmas Season. Especially when the person they are waiting on is a little old lady who has just started loading her entire basket-full into her vehicle. The sentence should be carried out immediately, to include their entire vehicle. Innocent passengers shall be given a 15 second escape window.

What exactly is your issue with this? Like why is it a problem for you? ESPECIALLY during Christmas season when parking spaces are next to impossible to find.
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Kal
I Saw Three Shipments


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Personally I'd say people who drive at 20 miles under the posted speed limit should be on the list.
I'm not on about the people who slow down when it's dark or if it's raining, although I firmly believe that if you're not confident about driving in those conditions then you should stay at home until it stops, but those drivers who won't break 40mph on a nice, flat, dry road. Around here there's country lanes in every direction and I always seem to get stuck behind someone doing 40mph without a hope of overtaking them. They also seem to wear tweed flat caps, which makes me wonder if it's the cap that does it. [Razz]

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Do the weetabix ask such questions? I think not!

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christmas tree kitapper
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by Kal:
Personally I'd say people who drive at 20 miles under the posted speed limit should be on the list.
I'm not on about the people who slow down when it's dark or if it's raining, although I firmly believe that if you're not confident about driving in those conditions then you should stay at home until it stops, but those drivers who won't break 40mph on a nice, flat, dry road.

Do not ever come to Tucson during the Monsoon season, then. Tucsonans have no idea of how to drive in the rain and they drive way too fast for conditions.

I nominate People who throw cigarettes out their car windows. We've got another wild fire here in AZ tonight thanks to an idiot who did just that.

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"I have never in my life been more disappointed by a politician I voted for than I have been with George Bush. He is a total liberal."- overheard by me on the shuttle to the U of A game on Nov. 11th.

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Donovan
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by Monkster:
quote:
Originally posted by Donovan Ravenhull:
Okay, first on the list:

Parking Lot Vultures: Especially in the Christmas Season. Especially when the person they are waiting on is a little old lady who has just started loading her entire basket-full into her vehicle. The sentence should be carried out immediately, to include their entire vehicle. Innocent passengers shall be given a 15 second escape window.

What exactly is your issue with this? Like why is it a problem for you? ESPECIALLY during Christmas season when parking spaces are next to impossible to find.
The problem is that they block the flow of traffic in the lanes. I, for one, have no problem driving a bit further and walking a bit further from where there are plenty of parking spaces. It just gets damn aggravating when you have to wait for somebody who has decided that they WILL get that spot no matter what, no matter how many people are now stuck waiting on them.

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Illius me paenitet, dux (Latin for fun and business)

"It's like trying to hawk pork chops at a kosher PETA banquet." - Esprise Me

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DAnnino
The First USA Noel


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I want to pull the trigger on people who talk on cell phones while driving IN A PARKING LOT! No need to actually pay attention to what they are doing, there's no obstacles there! [Eek!]

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NO BETTER FRIEND, NO WORSE ENEMY
--
"I grok when apes learn to laugh, they'll be people."

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Cinnamon
The First USA Noel


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The Now Show on Radio 4 had an audience question on zero tolerence a couple of series ago. Similar lines to this thread - the question was what activities should be met with zero tolerence. One woman in the audience came up with "Being gorgeously attractive and clearly waiting for girls other than me with big bunches of roses." Suggested punishment - death.

I could go with that sometimes. [Big Grin]

Edit because I can't spell today. If I've missed anything else kindly mentally correct it yourself. Thank you.

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My blog - a continuing obsession with my weight plus much randomness
My opinions on books, music, and other stuff

Posts: 845 | From: Gloucestershire, UK | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Little Pink Pill
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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The woman who bought up the last 100 units of the My Little Pony my daughter wants for Christmas, and is now selling them for double the price on ebay, shall be locked in a room and forced to watch 48 hours solid of My Little Pony videos at full volume. She shall be required to sing along to all songs mentioning friendship, rainbows, or princesses, and must wear a tutu and a pink and white sparkly crown.

There will be pictures, and a posted warning on ebay to all those similarly tempted to extort desperate parents during the holiday season.

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The technical term is narcissism. You can't believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you're all powerful.--House

Posts: 2684 | From: Budapest | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
mags
Jingle Bell Hock


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quote:
Originally posted by sparklygirl:
People who let their children touch everything in a public restroom then leave restroom without washing their or their child's hands drive me crazy.

Ugh, this just reminded me of another: People who don't teach their children that coughing/sneezing on things spreads germs. Extra punishments for those who also allow said children to touch anything and everything in a store.

Punishment is to spend a day locked in a kindergarten room during winter cold season.

I was at Jo-ann's the other day, and a three-year old or so boy and his mother were standing near me in an aisle. The boy was holding a breakable decorative plate, which I thought wasn't a good idea, which had caused me to continue to watch while the next part happened. The boy coughed wetly and vigorously, right into the plate he was holding in his hands. The mother made no mention of "cover your mouth," simply took the plate from him and sat it back on the shelf.

Posts: 550 | From: Springboro, OH | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
EeyoreCorbie
I Saw Three Shipments


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quote:
Originally posted by mags:
People who come in after the movie starts. Additional punishments accrue if they try to convince patrons who have been in their seats for 20 minutes to play musical chairs and shift into buffer seats (the single seats on either side of each party that polite people leave when a movie isn't sold to capacity) so that the members of the late party may sit together in good seats, rather than quickly taking a couple of seats in the five rows of empty seats down front.

On the other side of that, people who leave buffer seats. Especially at a sold out movie and refuse to move so that anyone coming in after has to sit on opposite sides of the theater. There's nothing like standing in the freezing rain for 10 min trying to get tickets, then another 10 for popcorn only to find that there are at least 5 or 6 seats left but not one is by the other and no one will shift over. DOYC forbid you have to sit next to a stranger.

My punishment would be simple, no movie for you.

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It sure is bright in the dark future.
"He carries his anger around like a dead skunk."
Ignorance is sad. Willfull ignorance is bad. Willfully spreading ignorance is evil.

Posts: 95 | From: Washington | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Michigan Girl
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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People who stand in the middle of the "road" (who just came out of the store) at Walmart when I am trying to park. Hello, standing in the road where we have to get to the parking lot is not the place to chat!

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~ Yep, I'm in Michigan ~ My blog http://catsrule2k.blogspot.com/
I am not willing to give up my constitutional freedoms just because I have nothing to hide

Posts: 142 | From: Michigan | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
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