posted
...more of a "I just need to get it off my chest" sad kind of thingy...I don't know if there's really any practical advice for this.
Two good friends of mine are divorcing after several years of what looked like a great marriage to everybody else. Quick background is this summer, while we were all volunteering for the dogs, another gal came along and she and the Husband got...awfully friendly. Friendly to the point where a lot of us in the vicinity were highly uncomfortable being around them. Husband insists they did not have an affair, but he probably did get too friendly with her. Given that he's not known to lie, we're inclined to believe him. His now-soon-to-be-ex-wife agrees to a point--she doesn't believe he cheated, but she does refer to it as an emotional affair. OK, we'll go with that.
After the gal came along, the Husband started making noises about things he thought were wrong in the marriage that he was tired of putting up with--two of the things on the list were housekeeping and finances. To be fair, those were things he's complained about as long as I've known the couple. (However, the Wife's POV is, "He knew I wasn't Suzy Homemaker when we got married, I told him that.") You get the idea--they agree on key points, but they have different spins on how those points affected them. (There were other things he complained about, but not much point going into those now--it's all a case of they agree and disagree at the same time.)
From what I can figure, their POV's are this: Husband believes that all the issues caused the breakdown of the marriage. Wife agrres the issues were there and needed to be worked on, but believes his friendship with the gal was what broke the marriage.
It all hit the fan, and he moved out. He had cooled off the friendship with the gal because his wife threw a (in my opinion, entirely reasonable) fit about this gal. But once he moved out, he started hanging around her again.
A lot of us are trying to maintain our friendships with both halves of the former couple. We're trying to believe both of them and maintain our faith in both of them. I really don't want to choose.....
...however, the husband hinted to me recently that he's thinking he might date the gal who, rightly or wrongly, a lot of people see has having added to the problem. He also said the he KNEW a lot of people would see her as "The Other Woman", and that her repuatation would be trashed. I told him bluntly he shouldn't go there--too many of his friends saw her as a troublemaker who caused drama (most of us women types feel she actively chased after the husband). He got quiet.
Incidentally, I'm not the only one of our social circle who has said such a thing--my roommate, also a friend of his, told him outright that she thought the gal was a bitch and that she hated her--my roommate RARELY ever expresses that strong of an opinion about anybody. Another friend of ours told him, "I don't like her, and I won't have her around me." He's mentioned other friends of his, whom I don't know at all, saying similiar things.
He keeps talking about how he doesn't want to lose any of us as friends, and yet, still hints that he might end up going out with this gal. Despite what people are saying.
Which just kind of feels like he'd be *forcing* me to choose between him and his wife, at that point. The wife, understandably, is furious with how they both behaved. She wants her and the husband to get to a place where they can be friends--they've too many friends in common and run around in too many of the same circles, she just doesn't want a feud. But she's also made it plain--she does not want this gal anywhere near her. They've both indicated they neither one intend to drop their similiar hobbies/interests/friends if possible...which means if he does start dating this gal....it's going to feel like we are being forced to choose.
*sigh* I just don't know....I keep cycling through "I can keep them both as friends--I can keep only one as a friend and it'll be the husband--I can keep only one as a friend and it'll be the wife--I'm going to end up losing both of them."
There's probably nothing I can do aside from taking it one day at a time and seeing what happens, but.....this is just stressful, and I needed to talk about it to somebody also not trying to walk the tightrope between them.
*sigh*
Magdalene Victim of divorce even if she wasn't part of the marriage
-------------------- "Don't mess with me. I dance with swords." Posts: 1656 | From: Colorado | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
I would say try not to take sides unless you absolutely have to. You have no business taking sides, and they have no business forcing you to take sides, either. They should resolve this between themselves and as far as possible, try not to drag their friends into the drama
However, if absolutely have to choose, and do not have a resort, dump the guy.
-------------------- Nico Sasha In between my father's fields;And the citadels of the rule; Lies a no-man's land which I must cross; To find my stolen jewel. Posts: 4912 | From: VA | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
Sounds to me like the fellow in the marriage has already made a choice. If he decides to pursue a relationship with this woman he's pretty much decided to put aside his old friendships. You may not need to worry about choosing sides.
-------------------- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr Posts: 18428 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 2001
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Canuckistan
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
Make it very clear to them: if you make me choose a side, you won't like what side I come down on.
Works for me. I refuse to be drawn into a situation like this. And in the case of emotional disputes, doubly so.
Conversely, anyone who makes me pick a side really gets on my nerves.
-------------------- People need to stop appropriating Jesus as their reason for behaving badly. It's so irritating. (Avril) Posts: 8429 | From: New York run by the Swiss (Toronto) | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I have some friends in a similar situation. The only difference is that I am better friends with the so called "other woman". People have been saying the most hateful things about her and I don't think they are deserved. I think the marriage was bound to fail anyway and the wife harping on the gal is a way of attempting to save face. I was able to mostly maintain friendships with all parties except when forced to provide a list of people to invite to one of the baby-showers. I left off the wife since she couldnt' stand to be in the same room as the gal. I should have invited them both and let them sort it out.
So, from my experience leave the gal out of it. Try to respond one on one to the members of the former couple. Don't relay information about them to each other.
Posts: 1168 | From: Missouri | Registered: Oct 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Christie: Sounds to me like the fellow in the marriage has already made a choice. If he decides to pursue a relationship with this woman he's pretty much decided to put aside his old friendships. You may not need to worry about choosing sides.
Christie, may I have the brain back? I need to work on a project this morning.
ExH chose a similar course of action when we broke up. There were several of our friends who were willing to be friends with us both, but flat out refused to hang out with the Skankosaur (including the wife of his best friend). By the time the court determined that their relationship must end he no longer had the same friends.
And this other woman sounds like a prize, doesn't she? If she is willing to go out with the guy, it seems somewhat clear that this is what she intended all along...
-------------------- There are people who drive really nice cars who feel that [those] cars won't be as special if other people drive them too. Where I come from, we call those people "selfish self-satisfied gits." -Chloe Posts: 6995 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I'll echo a sensible statement and encourage you to stick with the person who isn't forcing you to chose. She sounds like a sensible lady, and I feel sorry for her. Losing your best friend is bad enough without losing all your other friends, too.
[hijack]And, IMO, unless one person in the couple is offically the house spouse, then they should both be required to do the same amount of house work. Right now, the apartment's being messy in places is my fault because I only have a very part-time job. (Although I am also still moving in, too.) When I get a full time job, it will be both our faults if the apartment is a mess. [hijack]
-------------------- If the world were logical, men would ride sidesaddle. -Mama
I won't ask "Am I weird?" because that ship sailed long ago. -Kahuna Burger Posts: 394 | From: Memphis, TN | Registered: Jan 2006
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Richard W
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
quote:Originally posted by TurquoiseGirl: By the time the court determined that their relationship must end he no longer had the same friends.
If you don't mind my asking, how does a court determine that a relationship has to end? (Unless they turned out to be related, or she was underage or something...)
Posts: 8725 | From: Ipswich - the UK's 9th Best Place to Sleep! | Registered: Feb 2000
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quote:Originally posted by TurquoiseGirl: By the time the court determined that their relationship must end he no longer had the same friends.
If you don't mind my asking, how does a court determine that a relationship has to end? (Unless they turned out to be related, or she was underage or something...)
Mutual restraining orders were granted...
-------------------- There are people who drive really nice cars who feel that [those] cars won't be as special if other people drive them too. Where I come from, we call those people "selfish self-satisfied gits." -Chloe Posts: 6995 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Oct 2004
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Sara at home
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
If you go back and read what you have said, your answer is there (if that's the whole story which may not be the case considering the need to shorten long stories).
So far, you aren't being forced to choose between the husband and the wife. The issue is that no one likes "the gal" which really is the whole story right there. It sounds like no one likes "the gal" enough to be in her company regardless of the circumstances of their starting a relationship. And it seems he has been made fully aware of that.
So, he's the one who makes the choice: his friends or "the gal". If he chooses his friends, then you may have to deal with making a decision about him or the wife, but that's not the decision at hand.
ETA: Which is essentially what Christie and TG said....*sigh*
-------------------- Assume that all my posts will be edited at least once. Dyslexic -- can't spell, can't type, can't proofread. Posts: 8317 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Turn the problem on them by making them make the choice. A very effective technique I've used to great effect a couple of times.
Tell both sides straight out that you will not accept becoming a baseball bat for either side. Their business is between them, and you have no intention of getting involved. Of course you can comfort them if they need it, but you will not take sides.
If they accept that, then it's all good, and you can hold them to it later. If either or both don't accept that, then it's their choice, not yours, and you know who prefers holding a grudge over your friendship. That should make parting somewhat easier, or at least the need for it more apparent.
-------------------- /Troberg Posts: 4360 | From: Borlänge, Sweden | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote:Originally posted by TurquoiseGirl: Mutual restraining orders were granted...
That usually does put a damper on things.
Yeah. Also, if that's the way the relationship ended, it probably needed ending.
Nonny
-------------------- When there isn't anything else worth analyzing, we examine our collective navel. I found thirty-six cents in change in mine the other day. Let no one say that there is no profit in philosophy. -- Silas Sparkhammer Posts: 10141 | From: Toronto, Ontario | Registered: Apr 2000
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