posted
I don't have much time this morning, so this might be a bit light on details, but I'll post some more later.
As a few of you know I'm pregnant. 31 weeks. I caught my husband having an online affair with a local woman one month ago tommmorrow.
I'm drowning. I always have had clinical depression, but the new manifestations are killing me. I'm having anxiety attacks, insomnia. I lost ten pounds in less that two weeks. I look like hell and my rings won't even stay on my fingers I've gotten so thin. Some days every bite I take is fight to get down and keep down.
I didn't seek couseling or support for the first month, other than one neighbor and my doctor. I feel like I'm living between pills. I need some support and companionship and alot of you guys have been my friends for a long time. I just need a shoulder to cry on, I can't keep this hidden anymore. If anyone has any experiance or advice, please let me know. I just gotta start getting it out.
Vesta
-------------------- Innocence, on the Bicycle of Propriety, carrying the Urn of Reputation safely over the Abyss of Indiscretion. Posts: 1170 | From: Tucson, AZ | Registered: May 2003
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No advice, just an open ear. Stay strong, and know that there are people here who care about you and want to help you get through this.
-------------------- There are just some things a dog can't explain to a monkey. Posts: 2529 | From: Newfoundland | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
Vesta, You need to seek out professional help. Now. Your neighbor can't help you, and neither can this board. We aren't medical professionals and we aren't psychologists. Please get help now.
-------------------- "How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about." --Ray Nagin Posts: 1325 | From: Missouri | Registered: Sep 2005
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I second the motion for you to get help now. Do not wait for a better time to get help because there isn't one. If you have other children besides the little one you are expecting, they need you. I'm so sorry for your trouble. My husband suffers from clinical depression, so I kind of understand, but PallasAthena is absolutely correct. We can't help you, no matter how much we'd like to.
-------------------- "This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman "Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam Posts: 4020 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote:Originally posted by PallasAthena: Vesta, You need to seek out professional help. Now. Your neighbor can't help you, and neither can this board. We aren't medical professionals and we aren't psychologists. Please get help now.
The only thing I would add is, "You need to seek out professional help. Now. Please get help now." Medical help. Now.
-------------------- And now for something completely different... Posts: 4164 | From: Alabama | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
Let me add to that as well. We are here to support you, but in no way can this or any board take the place of professional help.
I misread the OP and thought that you had already sought out help, until I realized your doctor was in regard to your pregnancy.
-------------------- There are just some things a dog can't explain to a monkey. Posts: 2529 | From: Newfoundland | Registered: Jan 2002
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posted
Yes, please seek help immediatly. I am so sorry this happened, a very similar thing happend to me several years ago with my DH. I can completely understand what you're going thru. Sending thoughts your way.
-------------------- And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over !!!!! Posts: 521 | From: St. Louis, MO | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Popping pills? losing weight? These are actions that will likely detriment your baby. It's not your fault, it's his, but someone needs to stand up for the kid. Your husband has already dealt you a bad turn, don't let him deal one to the baby too. Go get the help you need so that you can eat and live properly, if only for the baby's sake.
then,if there is a God, then you'll birth a little scrapper who will grow up and kick his dad's ass.
-------------------- a moment for old friends now estranged, victims of the flux of alliances and changing perceptions. There was something there once, and that something is worth honoring as well. - John Carroll Posts: 3375 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Mar 2004
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I can't imagine what you're going through right now, but I can guess it's like hell...
I know you can make it through this- just from seeing you post on the board, I can tell you are a beautiful person, both inside and out.
Even the strongest of us has our breaking points. It may seem like everything is piling on top of you, and even making one more appointment will seem like a monumental task, but please, just go talk to a professional.
posted
You say that you need to get it out, and that's true. This board is great for that! But you also need to get strong. Because you can't be there for your baby, or deal with your husband, unless you are at full strength yourself. And it seems to me like professional counseling is the only way for you to get strong again, given all of the other issues you're dealing with as well.
Posts: 193 | From: Seymour, Indiana | Registered: Oct 2005
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Vesta, all I can offer are {{{hugs}}}. You really do need to get professional help, now. Call your OB, if no one else, and let them know about all the stress. From what you just said here, none of us will be able to give you the support a professional can.
You are strong, you are special, and you are a caring person. Be that person - get the help you need.
posted
Just echoing what everyone has said...also, if you can't do it for yourself, please do it for the baby - he or she deserves a happy mommy and a good life - as do you.
*HUGS*
-------------------- If you say you love ice cream, you better be dreaming of an orgy with Ben, Jerry, and one fine-ass chunky monkey.
-- My sister and poet extraordinaire, Joanna Hoffman Posts: 1475 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Jan 2006
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Oh, Vesta, I was just gonna page you on the MIA thread. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't offer any advice, because it's so complicated and sticky, but if you wanna PM me, please do.
Keep us posted.
-------------------- My great grandfather planted that tree! Posts: 4862 | From: Brooklyn | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
I would just like to echo what everyone else is saying. You need to get some professional help. Probably in more than one area too sugar. Losing 10 pounds when you are at 31 weeks is very dangerous. This is the time when you should be gaining 1-3 pounds per month not losing. At 31 weeks, the fetus is viable outside the womb and all of this stress could result in a premature birth which is a serious medical condition for both of you. Start with your OB and go from there.
You have friends here sugar and we will be on the sidelines rooting for you.
-------------------- A woman needs a man like fish needs a bicycle....People don't care how much you know, but they know how much you care. Posts: 50 | From: Huntsville, AL | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I should have been a little clearer this morning. I've sought help, from the couseling line from hubby's employer, from the church and a therapist and I've got a nurse from the insurance company calling every few days. (No appointment till thursday though.) I just waited so damn long to do it under the guise of "why should I go to counseling when he did it.". I wish I hadn't.
As for my OB, I'm going once a week and all the pills are prescribed. I just don't like having to take them, but I'm not seeing another option at this point. It turns into a vicious cycle of no sleeping leading to no eating and stressing more about not sleeping and not eating, and on and on...
It's like one long nightmare I can't wake from. I jsut need to talk about to someone outside the situation and hopefully get some perspective. I've tried to be rational, and not to internalize but I can't seem to seperate my self, even for a minute.
I really don't know. I wouldn't have guessed this would happen in a million years, no warnings, no clues. My life just fell apart a month ago.
Vesta
-------------------- Innocence, on the Bicycle of Propriety, carrying the Urn of Reputation safely over the Abyss of Indiscretion. Posts: 1170 | From: Tucson, AZ | Registered: May 2003
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Vesta, feel free to PM me anytime you need. Good for you for getting the help you need, it's hard to be patient with this stuff but it does take time to improve.
Is there anywhere you can go for a few days (a friends, a relatives) to relax and be taken care of? It sounds like you could use a vacation, and maybe getting out of the situation for a few days could give you some perspective and a plan.
-------------------- If you say you love ice cream, you better be dreaming of an orgy with Ben, Jerry, and one fine-ass chunky monkey.
-- My sister and poet extraordinaire, Joanna Hoffman Posts: 1475 | From: Los Angeles, CA | Registered: Jan 2006
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quote:Originally posted by Vesta: It's like one long nightmare I can't wake from. I jsut need to talk about to someone outside the situation and hopefully get some perspective. I've tried to be rational, and not to internalize but I can't seem to seperate my self, even for a minute.
I really don't know. I wouldn't have guessed this would happen in a million years, no warnings, no clues. My life just fell apart a month ago.
Vesta
Oh, honey, I know exactly how that feels. At this point you would give anything just to wake the hell up.
Big hugs and my PM box is always open. I found, when I was going through something similar (although not having to be pregnant at the same time-- that would make it worse, I think), the people on these boards, in addition to professional counselling, made all the difference in the world.
As soon as you start making some decisions about what to do, the "I've been kicked in the solar plexis" feeling will go away.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. Hang in there!
TGirl
-------------------- There are people who drive really nice cars who feel that [those] cars won't be as special if other people drive them too. Where I come from, we call those people "selfish self-satisfied gits." -Chloe Posts: 6995 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Oct 2004
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I am so glad you are getting help. The tone of your email really scared me if you can' tell. I will be sending lots of vibes your way.
-PA
-------------------- "How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about." --Ray Nagin Posts: 1325 | From: Missouri | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
My main question is, how do I know it's over? And how do I know that was just an online thing? Obviously I don't trust my husband, he isn't allowed near a computer, but she was texting his phone, and even though I can check it, things can be erased before I can get to it. Should I email her? Ask for the truth and hope she has enough compassion for my situation (He didn't tell her I was pregnant.) to tell me the extent of the relationship.
I don't really have time or energy to play spy vs spy with him, and if that's what our marriage has come down to, I'd rather not be married. She's married too, and I have to admit to being terribly curious about everything about her, although I feel fairly ambivilant towards her. I think it boils down to "Why did he like her better than me?"
I just want to know why he did this. Everything was going great. So well, in fact that we decided to have another baby, take nice family vacations and remodel the house. I really though the hard, worrisome part of our lives was over, or at very least at bay. I can't imagine wanting to have a baby with someone, but having what was at least a verbally intimate relationship with another person. I just can't grasp if things were that bad, why on earth commit to bring a third child into the world.
I'm angry about the pregnancy, I feel like I've been duped. I'm having difficultly even thinking about the baby as my baby, It's almost become an abstract concept for me. And whenever I think about it actually having it, I feel like somebody cut off my air supply and I going to faint. I nearly collapsed at the hospital tour. I've never had anxiety attacks before in my life, but I'm having them now, and I don't like it one bit, but even with my best efforts trying to breathe and try relaxation techniques, I can only postpone them to a slightly more covienant time. Not stop them all together.
Vesta
-------------------- Innocence, on the Bicycle of Propriety, carrying the Urn of Reputation safely over the Abyss of Indiscretion. Posts: 1170 | From: Tucson, AZ | Registered: May 2003
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I wish I had advice or words of wisdom or anything, but I don't. But we will be here for you to vent, to sympathize, to listen.
I'm glad you're getting professional help...like others, I was really worried at first. But I understand sometimes you just need to vent to someone. My PM box is open, too.
posted
If this is not your first baby, then I shouldn't have to tell you that when this baby is born, things will be more stressful between you and your husband, not less.
It's been said many, many times here in various threads about what constitutes "cheating" that an emotional connection is more damaging to a relationship than a sexual one. You and your husband need to sit down and have a long talk about what you both want from your relationship, and where you want it to go. From there, you need to come up with a plan. You may be able to fix things. You may not. Trust is the hardest thing to build in a relationship, and it's even harder to rebuild once it's been broken. BTDT, and I know how jumpy a person can get when the husband's phone rings and he leaves the room to answer it, or when he's sending emails to people you don't know.
Take care of yourself and your baby, and if you need to talk, my pm box is wide open. Right now a lot of choices have to be made by you and your husband. I know it's not fair. I know it hurts. I know now is a really shitty time to have to deal with all this. But you can make it through this, and you will.
posted
Well, unfortunately, you will never know the full truth. I didn't and still don't to this day. Don't bother e-mailing the lady either, you'll never know if she's telling the truth or lying. You have to make a decision on weather to forgive your husband or not. I decided to forgive mine and have tried to move on. Every now and then the suspicions come up but I try to ignore them and hope he's being truthful with me, otherwise I’ll go nuts trying to keep tabs on him and all the things he might be doing. It will take time, but if you feel as though your marriage is worth it, it's worth the time. Take the suggestion to take some time to yourself to sort thru all this.
-------------------- And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over !!!!! Posts: 521 | From: St. Louis, MO | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
As far as knowing goes, I don't think you really want to know anything more than it's over. And it should be completely over, absolutely no contact for any reason.
The best way to check is by looking at his cellular phone bills. If he even hedges at letting you see, be suspicious. He should be all conciliation and no defense.
posted
Vesta- wow hon, sit down and take a couple deep breaths.
I have been through exactly what you are going through- I was pregnant, almost passed out on a hospital tour (my very first anxiety attack), etc. I think it was the worst thing I have ever dealt with my entire life.
First of all, get some Carnation Instant Breakfast, some Ensure shakes or something similar. I ended up losing 50 pounds (some of it needed to go anyway) while I was pregnant- which was not a good thing, but it would have been much worse if I had not drank those shakes. Also keep taking all of your vitamins if you can.
As far as the trust issue and you DH, 3 months after my DH walked out on me he showed back up at the door. I took him back as I did not think I could raise two kids on my own. YMMV of course, but I wish I had stayed away because he did the same damn thing 5 years later.
Being betrayed once hurts enough, the second time you get the self-blame 100 times worse.
It is not your fault this happened, and you are lacking nothing. What he is lacking is a sense of commitment and moral standards.
My PM box is open if you need someone to talk to. Hang in there, and above all else take care of yourself.
-------------------- "My Very Educated Mother Just Said Uh-oh! No...Pluto..."~ Steven Colbert Posts: 3256 | From: Somewhere in Ohio | Registered: Apr 2004
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quote:Originally posted by Auntie Witch: If this is not your first baby, then I shouldn't have to tell you that when this baby is born, things will be more stressful between you and your husband, not less.
It's been said many, many times here in various threads about what constitutes "cheating" that an emotional connection is more damaging to a relationship than a sexual one. You and your husband need to sit down and have a long talk about what you both want from your relationship, and where you want it to go. From there, you need to come up with a plan. You may be able to fix things. You may not. Trust is the hardest thing to build in a relationship, and it's even harder to rebuild once it's been broken. BTDT, and I know how jumpy a person can get when the husband's phone rings and he leaves the room to answer it, or when he's sending emails to people you don't know.
Take care of yourself and your baby, and if you need to talk, my pm box is wide open. Right now a lot of choices have to be made by you and your husband. I know it's not fair. I know it hurts. I know now is a really shitty time to have to deal with all this. But you can make it through this, and you will.
By far not my first, our third actually.
As far as the emotional vs the sexual. I really just wish it had all been sexual. That I can understand. Unfourtunitly, as far as I can tell the relationship was mostly a friendship with a flirty/sexual componant on the side. He seems to think this somehow makes it "better" than a flesh and blood affair. I think it feels more invasive, like there was some weird unseen third party looking into our lives, and it feels icky, really icky.
As far as what we want, my husband hasn't stopped sniviling about how sorry he is and how he loves only me, and that it was a stupid, selfish mistake and how it would be cruel of me to discount 10+ years of a loving relationship for one little mistake. I agree, I don't think it serious to constitute a divorce. (In my set of personal values, only out and out abuse would have me consider divorce.) So I guess I have to find some way to live with it. I have no choice.
And that sucks, I have no choices in the situation. I didn't bring this into my house, and yet I'm forced to deal with results. I hate it. I hate that I have choice in this pregnacy. I'm commited to it no matter what I think in the matter. I hate how these choices were all made for me.
Vesta
-------------------- Innocence, on the Bicycle of Propriety, carrying the Urn of Reputation safely over the Abyss of Indiscretion. Posts: 1170 | From: Tucson, AZ | Registered: May 2003
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quote:Originally posted by BeachLife: As far as knowing goes, I don't think you really want to know anything more than it's over. And it should be completely over, absolutely no contact for any reason.
The best way to check is by looking at his cellular phone bills. If he even hedges at letting you see, be suspicious. He should be all conciliation and no defense.
The first thing I did was get the bills. There were no phone calls I couldn't account for, but I can't see the text messages. I could count each of them and check against his phone, but a couple of experiment on my phone showed me that the count isn't always accurate. I suppose I could take off the texting, but I rely pretty heavily on it to communicate with him when he's gone, so that doesn't seem feasable.
He was very clever about how he carried it out, using prepaid gift cards to pay for adultff. Downloading things to a memory stick and hiding files, so I have to assume that in the world of prepaid cell phones he could still get away with it. Not to mention he could just call her from work.
I'm out of ideas, and I'm not sure that I could catch him, even with all the best resources at my disposal. And I don't want to have to do that anyway. That's just not in any definition of a relationship I would want to have. But it really tough having all the scenarios of how he could do it running throughmy head all day. I don't know how to get them to stop, either.
Vesta
Vesta
-------------------- Innocence, on the Bicycle of Propriety, carrying the Urn of Reputation safely over the Abyss of Indiscretion. Posts: 1170 | From: Tucson, AZ | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Oh, Vesta, I'm so sorry. What a load you're carrying on your shoulders right now!
I just wanted to applaud your strength. You are still taking care of yourself, taking care of your baby and your other 2 kids, you've stood up to your husband to ban him from the computer. The anxiety attacks, not able to eat or sleep? Your health and that of your baby's need you to take a break. I encourage you to go to a 'safe haven' and lounge for a while. Do you have someone/somewhere like that? I don't believe you answered the poster who aked before.
-------------------- Let's just pretend we're normal for a minute ~ New favorite T-shirt quote Posts: 1193 | From: Ohio | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
Vesta you two need help to put the trust back. He needs to go to marriage counseling with you. You can't rebuild this alone, it's going to take the both of you. And if he's not willing to put in that effort, then you have an entirely different problem to contemplate.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Gibbie
-------------------- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. Posts: 3993 | From: Indiana | Registered: Feb 2000
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quote:Originally posted by Vesta: As far as the emotional vs the sexual. I really just wish it had all been sexual. That I can understand. Unfourtunitly, as far as I can tell the relationship was mostly a friendship with a flirty/sexual componant on the side. He seems to think this somehow makes it "better" than a flesh and blood affair. I think it feels more invasive, like there was some weird unseen third party looking into our lives, and it feels icky, really icky.
And there is always the wondering what he said about you. And the feeling that there was some amount of snickering behind your back. Not only do you feel dumb, but you suspect he thinks you're dumb.
quote:As far as what we want, my husband hasn't stopped sniviling about how sorry he is and how he loves only me, and that it was a stupid, selfish mistake and how it would be cruel of me to discount 10+ years of a loving relationship for one little mistake. I agree, I don't think it serious to constitute a divorce. (In my set of personal values, only out and out abuse would have me consider divorce.) So I guess I have to find some way to live with it. I have no choice.
Wait, wait wait! Don't you dare let him get away with the "one little mistake" thing. And cruelty at discounting 10 years of a loving relationship? Didn't he pretty much do that when he decided to pursue this relationship? From what you describe below, he went to great big lengths to keep it from you. This is not a "little mistake".
If it were me, in hindsight, I wish I had done this, is that you state that you cannot begin to get over this again until he 1.) Stops seeing her and 2.) You both get into both individual and marriage counselling. If he is not willing to do those things, then I am afraid it is time to see a divorce lawyer. His infidelity should not be something that you just have to put up with.
How dare he turn it back on you! How dare he! You have every right to be angry and express that anger. And to even separate for awhile if you feel you need the space.
quote:And that sucks, I have no choices in the situation. I didn't bring this into my house, and yet I'm forced to deal with results. I hate it. I hate that I have choice in this pregnacy. I'm commited to it no matter what I think in the matter. I hate how these choices were all made for me.
That is, indeed, frustrating. Two years later, still dealing with consequences that some of the choices thrust upon me. But you do have a choice of how you are going to deal with it from here on out.
When I was dealing with this, apart from the first full body blow of the rejection, etc., I was most concerned about basic survival: how was I going to keep myself (and the dog) fed, sheltered and healthy. With 3 kids, this must be a huge concern for you. Do you have family or friends you could turn to for help, should things get truly awful? I would talk with a lawyer, just to see what your options are. Mine at first encouraged me to try to work it out (and came up with the delightful term "Sugar Plum".
Once again, I am so sorry that you are going through this. No one should have to. Oh, big, big hugs, Vesta.
-------------------- There are people who drive really nice cars who feel that [those] cars won't be as special if other people drive them too. Where I come from, we call those people "selfish self-satisfied gits." -Chloe Posts: 6995 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
Vesta did the choice to have a third child coincide with his affair? The reason I ask is because something very similar happened to one of my sisters. Her husband insisted they have a fourth child, even though my sister has juvenile diabetes and pregnancy is difficult for her. His reasoning at the time was "we need to try for our girl" it was only a few years later that my sister found out that he was gay.
He was in denial over it and she figures he wanted another baby to prove he wasn't really gay. Unfortunately it didn't work and within a year he was having affairs. When she found out she kicked him out and he couldn't understand why they couldn't just stay together. He accused her of being a homophobe . They're divorced now.
-------------------- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr Posts: 18428 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Menolly: Oh, Vesta, I'm so sorry. What a load you're carrying on your shoulders right now!
I just wanted to applaud your strength. You are still taking care of yourself, taking care of your baby and your other 2 kids, you've stood up to your husband to ban him from the computer. The anxiety attacks, not able to eat or sleep? Your health and that of your baby's need you to take a break. I encourage you to go to a 'safe haven' and lounge for a while. Do you have someone/somewhere like that? I don't believe you answered the poster who aked before.
I don't actually, my family is far away, and not anyone who would try to take care of me anyway. I'm being kept on a very short leash by my ob, no unaccompanied out of town trips allowed.
I don't have much in the way of friends, I've been fairly isolated for a long time. I was never very good at making friends/being in social situations, and aside from one nieghbor I never really warmed up to anybody here. And they have their own lives to deal with. Another mom friend of mine has been having an affair on her husband, so I'm disinclined to speak to her. As pathetic as it is my husband has always been my best friend, and about all the family I felt that I needed.
Add to that the fact that my medications are complex, and I need looking after when taking some of them, I don't really have any choice but stay at home. It sucks.
Ironically, we just got back from vacation when this happened. Best vacation ever. I felt happy and rested and relaxed. Now that I realize that he was in contact with her during that time, I can't even stand to think about it.
I wish I could take credit for the computer ban, but that was his own self imposed sanction. He even went and bought me a laptop yesterday, so I could have something "pristine" that he didn't cheat on, and so I could just take the computer with me if I left him alone or stick it under my pillow when I sleep or whatever. I guess we're just going to pack up the desktop.
Vesta
-------------------- Innocence, on the Bicycle of Propriety, carrying the Urn of Reputation safely over the Abyss of Indiscretion. Posts: 1170 | From: Tucson, AZ | Registered: May 2003
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posted
Just make sure that your new computer isn't to limit how much time you spend checking to see if he's using the other one.
I've been cheated on, and I've been abused, and I didn't believe in divorce, either. But you know what? Years later the infidelity still bugs the hell out of me. Being choked? No big deal. I could handle that. It was the emotional torment of constantly guessing and second-guessing and wondering and then having the paranoid thoughts that go along with it that wore me down. In a way, I think being cheated on is a form of physical abuse. If nothing else, it's abusing the trust you had. (ETA: Just think about the toil it's taken on your body, and the risk he's placing on you for STDs should things move to the physical side of things)
Your husband went out of his way to cheat. He went to great lengths to hide it. He KNEW it was wrong, and knew it would upset you if you found out. And he still did it. Go with your gut, but DO NOT sell yourself short and stick with him just because "I don't want a divorce". Your reasons should be way more numerous and deeper than that, and they should have to do with what YOU want for YOU, not the kids, or how you think people will react, or what you're afraid will be around the corner without him there. It's a tough thing to decide, either way.
Another thing: how long does he expect to "be off the computer"? I know my exH had a VERY hard time with me not trusting him two weeks later, three months later, six months later. He thought forgiveness should fall on his timeline, not mine, and that any restrictions we placed on him should go away when he thought I had had enough time to have forgiven him.
quote:And there is always the wondering what he said about you. And the feeling that there was some amount of snickering behind your back. Not only do you feel dumb, but you suspect he thinks you're dumb.
Thank you, that's exactly how I feel, and a major reason I'm dying to get to talk to her. I want to know what was said about me. He swears up and down that he never said a cross word about me other than complaining that he felt unappriciated.
And the wierd thing is all the emails I can find that mentioned me were strangly complimetry, saying what a great mom I was and one that in response to a question of another woman that said he was perfectly satisfied sexually, and I was good in bed. I mean WTF is up with that?!
Still all I could find were bits and pieces of a very long dialog that went on over a long time, so it's extremely difficult to draw much context.
Intrestingly enough, what clued me in the whole affair, was that I knew he had been smoking and lying to me about it. I was mad about the lying more so that the smoking, and I told him "What kind of an idiot do you think I am, I sleep next to you, and do your laundry, of course I knew you were smoking. What else are you lying to me about, drinking, women?" And when I got to to the women part, he has a tell when he's lying. I'm not going to say what it is in case he ever reads this, but I noticed the tell, decided to check his email, and not 20 seconds later she popped up.
It's just all so damned insulting.
As far as couseling goes, I go solo on thurs and we go jointly on friday. He also signed a disclaimer deed giving me full ownership of the house. He signed away any claim to it, so it mine fair and square and I have a small annuity to pay the mortgage. I'm more concerned about insurance if I left. My meds run close to $500.00 a month before insurance and only $60.00 after, not to mention the numerous ultrasounds, tests and the birth.
He also bought me a new minivan today, we paid cash and he's told me to title it souly in my name. I guess he's trying, but I wish he'd realize that all the diamond earrings, roses purses and minivans in the world don't mean half as much as him keeping his vows.
Vesta
-------------------- Innocence, on the Bicycle of Propriety, carrying the Urn of Reputation safely over the Abyss of Indiscretion. Posts: 1170 | From: Tucson, AZ | Registered: May 2003
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quote:Originally posted by Christie: Vesta did the choice to have a third child coincide with his affair? The reason I ask is because something very similar happened to one of my sisters. Her husband insisted they have a fourth child, even though my sister has juvenile diabetes and pregnancy is difficult for her. His reasoning at the time was "we need to try for our girl" it was only a few years later that my sister found out that he was gay.
He was in denial over it and she figures he wanted another baby to prove he wasn't really gay. Unfortunately it didn't work and within a year he was having affairs. When she found out she kicked him out and he couldn't understand why they couldn't just stay together. He accused her of being a homophobe . They're divorced now.
From what I could tell it started in late Nov of last year. We had been taliking for awhile about having another baby, though he said he would support whatever made me happy. I had my IUD removed in late Jan, and got preg in early May. The timing of the online stuff also coincides with him getting a new job, so have to wonder how that played into things.
It also been a long succesion of woman. 4 or 5 each only lasting a couple months. He readily admitted talking with a couple of them on the phone, though he said he never had with this one, and that she wasn't anymore special than any of the others. It has the ring of truth to it. But for some reason I'm still absolutly fixated on her.
Vesta
-------------------- Innocence, on the Bicycle of Propriety, carrying the Urn of Reputation safely over the Abyss of Indiscretion. Posts: 1170 | From: Tucson, AZ | Registered: May 2003
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![[Frown]](frown.gif)
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't offer any advice, because it's so complicated and sticky, but if you wanna PM me, please do. 
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
. They're divorced now.
