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Author Topic: Time for puns!
Felessan
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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In the English Channel, a ship carrying a cargo of red paint collided with a ship carrying a cargo of purple paint. The crews of both ships have been marooned.

Players at a Chess Championship were ejected from their hotel after they gathered near the front door to discuss their winning strategies. The manager stated that customers had complained about chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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You fool! That's not a warrior, that's a banana!
- a surreal moment in a role-playing game

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Signora Del Drago
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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A man in Florida had some extra land, so he decided to create an old animal's home. He kept two elderly dolphins in a converted swimming pool, surrounded by a fence, and discovered through extensive research that the dolphins would live forever if they were fed a sea gull each month, so every thirty days, he would drive to the coast, capture two birds, bring them back and feed them to the dolphins.

One evening, after about six months of these missions to capture birds for the dolphins, he arrived back at the refuge to discover that he had left the gate to the Dolphin pool open, and an old, toothless lion was asleep across the entry. Not wanting to disturb the old lion, the man stepped over him in order to feed the birds to the dolphins.

Suddenly, he was surrounded by a circle of bright lights - the headlights of FBI, sheriff, highway patrol and police cars. The sheriff shouted out, "Hands up! You're under arrest. We've been investigating you for six months."

The puzzled man asked, "What are the charges? I haven't done anything wrong!"

The sheriff replied, "You are being charged with transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises."

This was written by Bennett Cerf, and it's been quite a few years since I read it, so it is not an exact quote.

Signora Del "I love puns!" Drago

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"This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman
"Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam

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DawnStorm
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Two birds discover a huge pile of worms and fly down to eat them. After gorging themselves silly, they decide to lay out in the warm sun and doze. Soon after they dozed off a cat comes along and eats both of them. As the cat was cleaning himself, he said, "I sure do love baskin' robins!"


Two men are driving along a country road when they hit a rabbit straight on. They stop the car and get out, but it looks hopeless. Then one man takes a small vial of liquid out of his coat, sprinkles it over the rabbit and says some strange phrases. Suddenly the rabbit jumps up, waves, hops off, stops and waves again. He continues this until the men no longer see him. "That's incredible!" the first man says. "What was the stuff?!"
"Hare restorer with permanent wave," says the second man. [Big Grin]

US servicemen come upon an old Japanese soldier living by himself on a small island. The man is amazingly healthy, and the captain asks him what his secret is, as there is no freshwater source or visible food source on the island.
The man replies, "there is a field of wild rice and when I was thirsty, I would harvest and distill the rice. There's also a herd of wild cattle roaming the island and every now and then, I'd slaughter one for food."
The captain is amazed that the man is in good spirits and asks how he combatted lonliness.
"That's easy," the man replies. "Cow and sake lets the good times roll!"

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Leashes?! We don't need no stinking leashes!!

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robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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A group of Monks from a monastery in Los Angeles, who also happened to raise roses for monastery decoration, decided to protest against pornography.

They went to the offices of Bob Guccione and sat outside, handing roses to every person that walked by, asking them to pray for Bob’s conversion. Finally, after several weeks of this protest, Bob Guccione saw the error of his ways and shut down Penthouse Magazine.

Then they went to Larry Flint’s office and did the same thing. This time, it took several months of handing out roses, but in the end, Larry finally repented of his evil ways and shut down Hustler Magazine.

Now, onto the big man. They parked themselves outside Hugh Hefner’s office and again handed out roses and asked people to pray for his redemption. Weeks went by, but nothing happened. Weeks turned into months, but yet, still nothing. Months turned into years, and nothing happened. Hugh was not moved in the slightest.

One day, after it had been a couple of years, Hef went outside and asked the Monks to leave. They refused and Hef said he would have them arrested if they did not leave. Not willing to give up, the Monks told him to do whatever he thought he had to do.

Hef, not wanting to be belligerent, said he would give the Monks a few more days, but after that, he would call the police. Several days went by, and the Monks would not leave, so Hef called the police.

The police arrived, and after a lengthy discussion, had to arrest the Monks and take them to jail.

Finally, after more than two years, the annoyance was over, and Hef went back to work.

Moral of the story: Only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.

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Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

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robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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(true story, but also sort of a pun)

A few years ago at a local college, an older professor (a friend of mine) who was known for his long hair and beard one day decided to have his beard shaved and hair cut short. It was a big deal because he had been at the school a long time and had always had long hair. He decided to let one of his students cut his hair.

The student newspaper the following week had a picture of him and the student. The student was holding a hairbrush and a blow dryer. The headline read "After (some number of) years, Professer 'X' gets head and blow job from 18 year old female student".

Most of his students thought it was hilarious. The staff was not amused and he was made to retire (it was about time anyway) and the student who wrote the article was dismissed from the newspaper staff.

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Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

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Deansinger
Deck the Malls


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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

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It doesn't matter if you're wrong.. Be Wrong Loud!

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Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Far off in another part of the galaxy was a planet inhabited only by walking, talking flowers. The king, a red carnation, had fallen in love with a common daisy. Unfortunately, she was far below his station, and in addition to having a extremely spotty reputation, she possessed an equally spotty education. It was clear she would never fit in with royalty.

The king's ministers suggested that the only way he could possibly marry this lovely young daisy was to educate her in the ways of higher society. He hired the very best teachers he could find. They drilled her in all the fine arts, taking her to the opera and to the ballet. They introduced her to the best literature and philosophy. Every thing they did however, seemed lost on the king's intended bride. None of the teaching had any effect.

Their efforts continued on and on, but she never showed a glimmer of intelligence. At last, the king, in utter defeat, cried out, "It's no use! I can lead a horticulture, but I can't make her think!"

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Ad astra per asparagus.

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Elizabeth Lemons
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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Oh! I remember one that Colin Mochrie said on Whose Line is it Anyway, when they were doing a news bit. (this is paraphased!)

"A man wearing a suit made entirely of mirrors was arrested for assault on Wednesday. He later apologized after he had time to sit down and reflect."

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"El corazón del hombre es como el horizonte, una parte del cielo; pero como el horizonte, cambia noche y dia."

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Izzy Quigley
Jingle Bell Hock


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Another Bennet Cerf story:

A woman took her young son to the zoo. While they were standing outside the wildebeest pen, the boy asked, "Mommy, what's that strange-looking object under the wildebeest?"
His mother replied, "There's nothing, son, under the gnu."

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A Viennese fellow is walking along the Karntner Strasse and notices a banana peel lying in his path. "Alas," he sighs, "now I must slip and fall down!"

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Felessan
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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At a charity fancy dress ball, a man dressed as gooseberries and cream made indecent suggestions to a woman dressed as cake and sherry. He made a fool of himself and she became a trifle upset.

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You fool! That's not a warrior, that's a banana!
- a surreal moment in a role-playing game

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Felessan
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Two French Foreign Legionnaires are lost in the desert. They've been wandering for days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to death from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune to see a big market before them. Naturally they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the merchants’ cries, and they reach the market to realise that it's really there. So the Legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stall-holder, "Stall-holder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some sustenance you can sell us." The stall-holder shakes his head. "I'm sorry, French Foreign Legionnaire type persons, but all I have to sell are bowls full of jelly and cake, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the merchant, "Mr. purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water." The merchant looks at them, embarrassed. "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask. All I have to sell are these large bowls of jelly and cake topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, each with a little cherry in the middle at the top - there" (points to a glace cherry). "I cannot help you."

The Legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall. "Look mate" (they've stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?" The merchant looks at his curl-ended shoes in shame. "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you are bowls of jelly and cake with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."

The legionnaires go through the market, stall by stall, asking each stall-holder whether they had any water they could sell them and thus save their lives. Each merchant gives the same reply, all they have to sell are bowls of jelly and cake with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires leave the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. One turns to the other and said, "That was really odd – a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sell is bowls of jelly and cake with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands." The other shrugs. "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar."

***

After the death of Quasimodo, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up to the belfry to begin the screening process. After seeing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

WAIT! WAIT! There's more...

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," said the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

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You fool! That's not a warrior, that's a banana!
- a surreal moment in a role-playing game

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7thWheel
I Saw Three Shipments


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A scientist working in cloning research decides to make an exact clone of himself. When he is done the clone jumps up and runs out of the lab. The clone is stark naked and runs across the park and starts waving his privates at a group of old ladies and making suggestive comments to them. The scientist runs after the clone and sees him in the park. The scientist takes off his lab coat and wraps it around the clone as he tackles him to the ground. Naturally the disturbance causes the police to show up. When the police get the story they arrest the scientist!!! They charged him with making an obscene clone fall.


Two termites walk into a bar and ask "Is the bar tender here"?

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Felessan
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.

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You fool! That's not a warrior, that's a banana!
- a surreal moment in a role-playing game

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Stoneage Dinosaur
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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quote:
Originally posted by Felessan:
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right, the steaks are too high."

That sounds like a Tim Vine one, so here's some more:

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one'.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I don't make jokes about the wooden step in the corner of someone else's field - that's not my stile.

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"You learn something new every day if you're not careful" - Wilf Lunn

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robbiev - singin' off key
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by Elizabeth Lemons:
Oh! I remember one that Colin Mochrie said on Whose Line is it Anyway, when they were doing a news bit. (this is paraphased!)

"A man wearing a suit made entirely of mirrors was arrested for assault on Wednesday. He later apologized after he had time to sit down and reflect."

He has a lot of puns from that show. Here's another:

Headline story:
Today in Nineveh, a man was swallowed by a big fish. In order to escape, he ran around in circles until he was finally pooped out.

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Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"

Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go.

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Brad from Georgia
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Cowboy rides into Dodge wearing clothes made entirely of brown paper: brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper vest, brown paper britches, brown paper chaps. Sheriff arrested him for rustling.

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"No hard feelin's and HOPpy New Year!"--Walt Kelly
Hear what you're missing: ARTC podcasts! http://artcpodcast.org/

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Nonny Mouse, on Santa's laptop
Once in Royal Circuit City


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quote:
Originally posted by Kid Kilowatt:

"Trust me," Castro said, lighting a cigar and flaunting Bloomberg's no smoking laws.

Kid Kilowatt just hung my munchkin!

Unless Castro had a printout of the laws and was ostentatiously showing them off, he was not "flaunting" them.

The verb that means "to wantonly disregard a rule or command" is "to flout".

Nonny

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When there isn't anything else worth analyzing, we examine our collective navel. I found thirty-six cents in change in mine the other day. Let no one say that there is no profit in philosophy. -- Silas Sparkhammer

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Seaboe Muffinchucker
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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quote:
Originally posted by Brad from Georgia:
Cowboy rides into Dodge wearing clothes made entirely of brown paper: brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper vest, brown paper britches, brown paper chaps. Sheriff arrested him for rustling.

YOMANK, Brad. Can I have this for my sig line file? Credited to you?

Seaboe

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Education is not the filling of a hard drive, but the lighting of a bulb. -- Yeats via Esprise Me

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DawnStorm
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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What would you have if every automobile in America was painted light red?

A pink carnation!! [Big Grin]


My husband's favorite:
What is 5Q plus 5Q?

10Q

You're welcome!
[fish]

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Leashes?! We don't need no stinking leashes!!

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Brad from Georgia
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by Seaboo Muffinchucker:
quote:
Originally posted by Brad from Georgia:
Cowboy rides into Dodge wearing clothes made entirely of brown paper: brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper vest, brown paper britches, brown paper chaps. Sheriff arrested him for rustling.

YOMANK, Brad. Can I have this for my sig line file? Credited to you?

Seaboe

Certainly, Seaboe!

--------------------
"No hard feelin's and HOPpy New Year!"--Walt Kelly
Hear what you're missing: ARTC podcasts! http://artcpodcast.org/

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Canuckistan
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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When The Toronto Sun announced layoffs a few years ago, on that day, their Sunshine Girl appeared wearing nothing but a pink slip.

(Can't take credit for that one, but I can pass it along.)

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People need to stop appropriating Jesus as their reason for behaving badly. It's so irritating. (Avril)

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Canuckistan
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by Nonnykah Christmouse:
Unless Castro had a printout of the laws and was ostentatiously showing them off, he was not "flaunting" them.

The verb that means "to wantonly disregard a rule or command" is "to flout".

Come on, don't be so mean. We'll have nonny that around here. [fish]

(Sorry, but it was too easy.)

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People need to stop appropriating Jesus as their reason for behaving badly. It's so irritating. (Avril)

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Nonny Mouse, on Santa's laptop
Once in Royal Circuit City


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As long as it wasn't "hey, Nonny, Nonny" I'll forgive you.

BTW, KK, I hope you weren't offended by what I said. It was just a little hung munchkin between friends.

Nonny "and my munchkin's so well-hung he could pose for Playgirl" Mouse

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When there isn't anything else worth analyzing, we examine our collective navel. I found thirty-six cents in change in mine the other day. Let no one say that there is no profit in philosophy. -- Silas Sparkhammer

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Canuckistan
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Nonny "and my munchkin's so well-hung he could pose for Playgirl" Mouse
Is he coming to the Toronto meet?

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People need to stop appropriating Jesus as their reason for behaving badly. It's so irritating. (Avril)

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Felessan
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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One of my colleagues sneezes so loudly, we refer to his nose as a double barrelled snot gun.

Answering machine message: "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

Two cows were in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

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You fool! That's not a warrior, that's a banana!
- a surreal moment in a role-playing game

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Signora Del Drago
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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Did you hear that the three wise men singed their beards?

No, what happened?

They wuz acomin' frum afar.

Signora Del "Maybe this should have been in the thread about Southern talk." Drago

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"This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman
"Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam

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Tabbymago
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Dude, did you hear the news this morning? Some actress was at a restaurant the other day, and she just went crazy and stabbed a bunch of the patrons! I can't remember her name, though. What was it, Reese something?

"Witherspoon?"

Well, with her fork, actually, but...

-Tabby
the princess with claws

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If you don't appreciate the irony, the irony appreciates.

"Sappiness and medieval violence: it's a wonderful combination. Like chocolate and peanut butter for the mind." -me on my fantasy novel-in-progress

Posts: 2281 | From: Arizona | Registered: Apr 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
showmom
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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Poor Mahatma Ghandi - with no shoes and walking endlessly, he had extremely tough feet. Not only that, but he was extra skinny from his strict diet and lifestyle, one which also had the unfortunate side effect of giving him terrible breath.
He was a super calloused frail monastic, vexed by halitosis

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Bull elephants only copulate for 20 seconds. This should make a lot of men feel better.

Posts: 134 | From: Carlisle, PA | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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(A rabbit hopw into a cafe.)

Rabbit: I'm hungry. Can I have something to eat?

Cafe owner: Of course. We do lots of toasties - you know toast with different things spread on them.

Rabbit: Lovely. I'll have a ham and tomato toastie, please.

(Rabbit eats toastie and returns to the counter.)

Rabbit: I'm still hungry, can I have another toastie?

Owner: Of course. Would you like another ham and tomato?

Rabbit: No thanks. Can I have a cheese and pickle toastie?

(Rabbit eats toastie and returns to the counter.)

Rabbit: I'm still hungry, this time can I have a bacon and sausage toastie?

(Rabbit hops to her table and eats toastie before suddenly gets up cluthing her stomach.)

Rabbit: I'm dying! I'm dying!

Owner (not wanting to lose a good customer rushes over): What are you dying of?

Rabbit: I'm dying of ... dying of ... mixing my toasties.

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Andrew, Ware, England

Posts: 1709 | From: Ware, England | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Jay Tea
The "Was on Sale" Song


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Since when is a toastie toast with different things spread on them ? [lol]

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This is where I come up with something right? Something really clever...

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Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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Sorry Jay. [dunce] I'll try harder next time. How about this one. It is a bit rude so I had better say NFBSK. It took me ages before before I got the joke, anyway. I must be a bit innocent.

Two nuns are having a bath. One says, 'Where's the soap?' The other replies, 'Yes it does, doesn't it?'

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Andrew, Ware, England

Posts: 1709 | From: Ware, England | Registered: Apr 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Mistletoey Chloe
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Dubious pun-a-chow.

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~~Ai am in mai prrrrrraime!~~

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Andrew of Ware, England
A-Ware in a Manger


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quote:
Originally posted by Chloe:
Dubious pun-a-chow.

So you and I together, eh, Chloe? I did think about posting it in that topic. Now my friends will have to stop laughing at me for not getting the pun.

I also told it to my vicar and he didn't laugh, so he mustn't have got it either!

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Andrew, Ware, England

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LyndaD
Jingle Bell Hock


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At the beginning of the school year, we had a mix up involving two students with the same first and last name. One student was new to the district, while the other had been in the community since kindergarten. When I went to transfer student files to my laptop, I found that another teacher had taken the file for my student (the one who had been in the district) instead of the transfer student.
None of this would have been punny, except that the students' first names were both Juan. Copnsequently, I had to go to the other teacher and tell him that he had the 'wrong Juan' and I needed that Juan back. I had to explain to him that there was a new Juan and an old Juan, and he had the new Juan, but should have the old Juan, because the new Juan was my Juan. He wanted to know how I knew which Juan was which, and I had to explain about the tranfer of one Juan from outside the district. Once I got the other teacher to understand this was not some elaborate prank pulled on first-year teachers, we then had to go explain it to the adminstration so we could transfer the files back.

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I'll drive it ugly. You can't see the paint job when you're behind the wheel, anyway.

Posts: 570 | From: Central Valley, California | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
GenYus
Away in a Manager's Special


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quote:
Originally posted by Andrew of Ware, England:
Rabbit: I'm dying of ... dying of ... mixing my toasties.

I don't get it. Is there a rabbit disiese called mixinmitosis or something like that?

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IIRC, it wasn't the shoe bomber's loud prayers that sparked the takedown by the other passengers; it was that he was trying to light his shoe on fire. Very, very different. Canuckistan

Posts: 3694 | From: Arizona | Registered: Aug 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
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