posted
A guy walks up to a bar and says to the bartender, "Do ya see that glass waaaay over there in the corner?" "I bet ya four hundred dollars that I can piss in that glass and not hit anything else"
The bartender says, "Deal!" So the guy whips it out and starts pissing on the bar, the bartender and everything else not even coming close to the glass. When he's done he lays four hundred dollars on the bar and joins his buddies. He starts laughing and pointing at the bartender who is mopping up the piss with a big smile on his face. The bartender wanders over and says, "Why are you laughing, you just lost four hundred bucks?"
The guy says, "Well I bet my buddies $800.00 that I could piss all over you and the bar and you'd wipe it up with a big smile on your face!"
It was closing time at Seamus's favorite pub so he gets up out of his chair and promptly falls flat on his face. He does this a couple more times before deciding to just crawl home.
The next morning his angry wife wakes him up and says"I thought you were going ta church last night and instead you nip of to the pub!"
Seamus says "Well how did ya know I was at the pub last night?"
She says, "They called, ya left your wheelchair there again!"
quote:Originally posted by glisp42: It was closing time at Seamus's favorite pub so he gets up out of his wheelchair and promptly falls flat on his face. He does this a couple more times before deciding to just crawl home.
The next morning his angry wife wakes him up and says"I thought you were going ta church last night and instead you nip of to the pub!"
Seamus says "Well how did ya know I was at the pub last night?"
She says, "They called, ya left your wheelchair there again!"
For this one, you need to leave of the wheel bit of the chair in the first mention, ie, "...so he gets up out of his chair and promptly falls flat on his face." Sayings its a wheelchair sort of telegraphs the punchline.
-------------------- Q. What's the difference between a Computer saleman and a Used Car Salesman? A. The Used Car Salesman knows when he is lying. Posts: 421 | From: Victoria, Australia | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by glisp42: It was closing time at Seamus's favorite pub so he gets up out of his wheelchair and promptly falls flat on his face. He does this a couple more times before deciding to just crawl home.
The next morning his angry wife wakes him up and says"I thought you were going ta church last night and instead you nip of to the pub!"
Seamus says "Well how did ya know I was at the pub last night?"
She says, "They called, ya left your wheelchair there again!"
For this one, you need to leave of the wheel bit of the chair in the first mention, ie, "...so he gets up out of his chair and promptly falls flat on his face." Sayings its a wheelchair sort of telegraphs the punchline.
D'OH!! I meant to say barstool or chair. I guess I was thinking ahead to much.
quote:Originally posted by First of Two: A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before problems start!" Again, the man orders a beer again saying, "Give me a beer before problems start!" The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man "When are you going to pay for these beers?" The man answers, "Now the problems start!"
This isn't a "bar" joke, but it's a beer joke (and a variant of the above joke):
A man comes home, sits down on the recliner, and turns on the TV. He yells out, "Honey! Bring me a beer quick before it starts." A few seconds later, his wife brings him a beer.
A few minutes later, the man switches channels on the TV and yells out, "Honey! Bring me another beer before it starts!" A few seconds later, his wife appears with another beer.
A few minutes later, the man switches channels on the TV again and yells out, "Honey! Quick! Bring me another beer! It's about to start!"
The wife appears, this time with no beer, and says, "You lazy bastard! What you do think I do? Sit around all day waiting for you to get home?"
The guy says, "Oh, shit. It's started!"
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I'm a little dense today. Could someone explain the termite "where's the bartender" joke?
Thanks.
Robbiev -long night at the hospital last night- 427
-------------------- Every time I see a good looking woman, I think, "0oooh. There's another one I'll never have!"
Corvette. The louder you scream, the faster I'll go. Posts: 1820 | From: Memphis, TN | Registered: Sep 2005
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quote:Originally posted by robbiev427: I'm a little dense today. Could someone explain the termite "where's the bartender" joke?
Read it as "where is the bar tender?". He's a termite, and he's looking to eat the wood of the bar, and wants to know where it's tender, rather than trying to find the person who tends the bar (the bartender).
-------------------- "I've allowed my love of gravy to distract from my prescriptivist linguistic crusade!" -T-Rex, Dinosaur Comics Posts: 726 | From: New Jersey | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
A hydrogen atom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Gee you look a little down. Is something the matter?" The hydrogen atom says, "Yes, I've lost an electron." The bartender asks, "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive."
-------------------- We criticize a thinker more sharply when he presents us with a displeasing proposition; and yet it would be more reasonable to do this when his proposition pleases us. --Nietzsche Posts: 85 | From: Florida | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
Two Peanuts walk into a bar, one was assaulted.
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All we need is love and beer. Old school metal and some holiday cheer to be happy. Posts: 711 | From: Bowling Green, KY/ WKU | Registered: Nov 2005
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A man's sitting at a bar and orders a beer. The bartender gives it to him and he promptly drinks half of it and pours the other half over his left hand. The bartender is watching and thinks "Thats a bit odd". The guy orders another beer and does the same thing again, now the bartender is thinking "Thats really odd..". The guy orders yet another beer and does the same thing again. The bartender finally asks him "Why do you keep pouring half your beer over your left hand", the guy responds "What do you think? I'm buying my date a drink!"
Posts: 116 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer...and a mop."
-------------------- "No hard feelin's and HOPpy New Year!"--Walt Kelly Hear what you're missing: ARTC podcasts! http://artcpodcast.org/ Posts: 7581 | From: Gainesville, Georgia | Registered: Jun 2000
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posted
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a bus seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
-------------------- Ad astra per asparagus. Posts: 4806 | From: Groton, CT | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
-------------------- Ad astra per asparagus. Posts: 4806 | From: Groton, CT | Registered: Jul 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Lgreywolf: A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck into the front of his pants.
The bartender says, "Hey buddy, you got a steering wheel stuck in the front of your pants!"
The pirate says, "Arrgh, I know. It's driving me nuts!"
Lgrey"Brad, I hope you didn't write that one"wolf
Just want to say THANKS!!!! This one was a big hit at Thanksgiving (I'm still laughing at it...)
-------------------- "Oh, now we're going to start judging each other on things we've done?? Real fair!" Posts: 1114 | From: Cincinnati, OH | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
You're very welcome dreadychar! That one still gives me a chuckle too!
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posted
A cat carrying a lemon walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." The cat left the bar muttering, "Geez, what a sourpuss!"
Mochrie "who should be barred from making bar jokes" 99
Posts: 80 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Apr 2005
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