posted
i dont know if this is a cry for help or an adolescent whine or attention seeking drivel or someone with a problem or mental disease. maybe all. maybe none.
i dont want to be here any more.
i find it difficult to make friends in real life (and online). the last few years for the first time ive felt like somebody actually gave a shit. both at university and more recently my "home"town.
now uni is finished and pretty much everyone i know has ****ed off or moved on either way adds up to the same. and up here my only friends have all moved away and dont want to see me.
the only person ive ever truly loved doesnt want to know me, is scared of me and seems to want me out of her life.
and im alone again.
i know this all sounds trivial and it is. none of this matters. but it does. to me.
people tell me to get over it, things change, lives change, people move on. which is true. but doesnt help.
i keep getting scenes, memories, dreams. unwanted, intrusive. pills. drugs. rope. razor. water. dreams of a way away from here and now. my instinct is always to look fr the easy way out. even if not gona take it.
nothing is going to hapen. i dont know why im wriing thing. but i need a vent. and you guys are the closest thing i have to friends right now.
im sorry
-------------------- Hello, I love you - won't you tell me your name? Hello! I'm good for nothing - will you love me just the same?
posted
I hate to be the one to state the obvious, but I think you need to seek some serious help. Suicidal ideation (if I interpreted your post correctly) is serious business, even if you're not actually planning on doing anything.
-------------------- "I wanna bite the hand that feeds me. I wanna bite that hand so badly. I wanna make them wish they'd never seen me." - Elvis Costello Posts: 2291 | From: The Banks of the Merrimack, MA | Registered: Jul 2004
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posted
Jonny, first off it isn't trivial. And it does matter.
"Get over it" is a toss-off line. Like "Pull yourself together." It doen't help.
I really hope that you are not contemplating suicide.
I can't help you much, but it sounds like you may be clinically depressed. Have you spoken to your GP?
In the meantime perhaps you could call the samaritans 08457 90 90 90. Sometimes a sympathetic ear can help.
Please let us know how you get on.
I extend my sympathies to you.
-------------------- "Ladies and gentlemen, this is what is commonly known as money. It comes in all sizes, colours, and denominations - like people." Posts: 997 | From: Maidstone, UK | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
AdmiralDinty is right. If you're thinking about hurting yourself, call a suicide hotline or go to the hospital now. Do not delay.
You're not alone. For what it's worth, I'm thinking of you and really hoping you'll be all right.
-------------------- A Viennese fellow is walking along the Karntner Strasse and notices a banana peel lying in his path. "Alas," he sighs, "now I must slip and fall down!" Posts: 506 | From: Missouri | Registered: Dec 2005
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Please go and see your GP first thing tomorrow. To echo the others, these are not trivial concerns and they will help you.
You are quite right about people here caring about you, though - and as people who do care, we would want you to treat yourself with compassion and seek help.
PM anytime you need someone to talk to,
Love,
Faith
-------------------- "You watched it. You can't UNWATCH it." Posts: 1646 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
Oh, Jonny. We are your friends, and we do care. PM any time, hun!
-------------------- "The little local company I buy from has CHEAP shipping and I have met their goats." (snapdragonfly)
"And that's one lost erection I'll never get back! You hear me Dan! I'm owed an erection!" (I'mNotDedalus) Posts: 2658 | From: California | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
Jonny, please get help. People here are your friends, and we do care about you.
-------------------- How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black Posts: 8322 | From: Columbus, OH | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
How long have you felt like this? I'll echo that, if you're feeling suicidal, you should get some help right now. This post is a good thing because it gave you some room to vent, but if this has lasted for months or years, you may have a depressive disorder. I've been on anti-depressants for most of my life, and when I miss a few, I feel this exact same way. If you've felt like this for a long time, medications can improve your life. It's something that you should try before giving up. BTW, "lost" is the word I tend to use when I end up in these glooms, too.
-------------------- "Writing is a dog's life, but it's the only life worth living." Flaubert Posts: 11 | From: Wyoming | Registered: Aug 2006
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Sara at home
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
Jonny, reach out. We're here.
-------------------- Assume that all my posts will be edited at least once. Dyslexic -- can't spell, can't type, can't proofread. Posts: 8317 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Please, please call your local suicide prevention line immediately. I assume that's the number EddyLizard posted. They do help; they helped me. If they can't help, please speak to a doctor, nurse, any healthcare professional. Please know you're in my prayers.
-------------------- "Maybe getting in the last word doesn't really mean you win." - The Clarks Posts: 486 | From: Pittsburgh, PA | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
Should have added that there is a misconception that the Samaritans are only for people feeling immediately suicidal. They are there for you 24/7 whatever your angst. And the number covers the whole UK.
And they helped me too. It's completely anonymous.
Call now. You are in my thoughts. And PM me if you want to.
-------------------- "Ladies and gentlemen, this is what is commonly known as money. It comes in all sizes, colours, and denominations - like people." Posts: 997 | From: Maidstone, UK | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
That sounds quite a bit like my life -- and where it doesn't match up, I still feel that way some of the time. So, no, it's not trivial.
You say you're lonely...is there anything you like to do, or are curious about doing? Find a group of people that do it. Universities are good for that sort of thing, even if you've just graduated. This is a good way to meet new people and make friends.
Don't write off your old friends, either. Are you absolutely sure they don't like you any more? Without knowing the specifics of your friendships, I can't say for sure -- but it seems very unlikely that all of your friends would drop you at the same time. The only change in your relationships might be the way you see them.
This girl? You don't need her to be happy. Yes, it's a horrible, empty feeling to think of life without her -- I've gone through the same thing. I hate it. But it's better than pining for her day after day, because you eventually get used to being without her, and you can start looking for someone who does understand and appreciate you.
Anyway, I hope things work out.
Posts: 236 | From: Iowa | Registered: Sep 2005
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posted
Jonathan, I'm relieved to see that you said there's no immediate danger, but you deserve some relief from those feelings. Please go see your doctor and be honest with him/her. If you can't do it for yourself, please do it for others in your life, and there must be at leastoneperson who would be devastated should you leave this life, no matter what the circumstance. I deal daily with a depressed person who is at times suicidal. It is not easy. There are more snopesters who either have been deeply depressed, who are still deeply depressed, or who have anxiety and fear from seeing a loved one in the shape you seem to be in. I won't tell you to "just get over it," any more than I would tell a person with diabetes to "just get over it." But, I will tell you to get some help. You deserve to feel good, and the people who care about you deserve that, too. *Great, big hugs. As many as you need.*
-------------------- "This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman "Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam Posts: 4020 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
I'm glad you feel comfortable ehough with us here to talk about what have to be some deeply personal feelings. Yeah, as others have said, we are your friends. We like you, we care about you, and we want you to be happy.
Just about anybody would be depressed at the ending of a relationship as important to them as this one was to you. And there's no shame in getting help for that depression if that's what you need. Please do whatever's necessary to take care of yourself and get through this crisis intact.
We're all here if you need somebody to talk to. You know that, or you wouldn't have started this thread.
I hope things start to look a little brighter soon.
Nonny
-------------------- When there isn't anything else worth analyzing, we examine our collective navel. I found thirty-six cents in change in mine the other day. Let no one say that there is no profit in philosophy. -- Silas Sparkhammer Posts: 10141 | From: Toronto, Ontario | Registered: Apr 2000
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Canuckistan
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
What Nonny said.
And what everyone else said about PM boxes being open. We are your friends, and I am here to listen.
-------------------- People need to stop appropriating Jesus as their reason for behaving badly. It's so irritating. (Avril) Posts: 8429 | From: New York run by the Swiss (Toronto) | Registered: Mar 2005
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I've been there, Jonny. My PM box is open as well.
-------------------- Me: "He's 19? Uh oh, I bought him a beer." A: "You contributed to the deliquency of a minor in drag!" "Sweet spell check: keeping drunks off the radar since 1995."- IND GodRe-AnimateGreenPorkBush Posts: 3986 | From: Illinois, jealous? | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Aw, Jonny, I always thought of you as one of the cool kids on the board. Sorry you are feeling so lousy.
If you made some friends at uni, you can do it again in real life. After I graduated, I enjoyed moving someplace new. It is interesting to get to know people of all ages as you know from the board.
In the meatime, I hope a good night's sleep and knowing that people here care will start to help. Next, call the help line that was mentioned and/or see your doctor for more help.
Wishing you well.
Posts: 326 | From: Hawaii | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I'm not good at offering the sort of sympathy others have. Instead I'll try and offer practical advice using my experiences from the past.
Not having people around sucks. Oh my does it suck. I was engrossed in how badly that sucks for about four years and it wound up with me taking prozac to reverse some of the negative thoughts I was constantly feeling. I discovered that there were ways to deal with these thoughts, not typical ways, but no-one is the same.
For myself, tlking didn't help. Some people say that talking helps and you need to face your fears and other cliched claptrap. (Do people keep cliche thesauruses around for time like this?) If talking does help then I advise you to seek counselling. Are you still in university; they'll likely have some facilities. Alternatively, try Samaritans or other such organisations. They will have some anonymous and understanding on the other end of the line. You'd be surprised how much being reassured by someone can make you feel better. I've done so a couple of times and there's no shame.
Have a look at helpful websites. One particularly good one is the Radio1 Onelife section. Really good stuff in there, aimed at Radio1 listeners (probably doesn't include you(!)).
Alternatively, speaking to your GP may help. You may think your issues to be trivial, but they will listen and will treat them seriously. The likely outcome of a visit would be a prescription of anti-depressants and reference to a counsellor. Some people have issues taking anti-depressents so that'd need to be something to consider. The purpose of anti-depressents isn't to give an artificial high, but rather to make mood swings less extreme to allow you to function, then hopefully to get out of the cycle of events that has lead to the depression. I've got a ton of information, so e-mail me if you want it.
My way to deal with my inabaility to make friends is a combination between self-grandiose and near-paranoia. I continue to maintain that I am infact a great student and throw myself in to work. If others make comments let them be. I'll be heading ArchCorp in ten years time and they can come begging me for a job, on minimum wage. No worse, I'll make substantial contributions to the conservative party and get minimum wage repealed. AND tuition fees paid back at market rates. Mwahaha! That'll show them! By keeping busy with school, and work, and a whole host of other things, I don't think about being "lonely" any more. Whilst I don't recommend this as a way to get over depression, whatever works works. Also, I don't trust anybody ever. I am very cautios to give away any information that might be used by others against me. This sort of isolationism with regards to socialising may not give me loads of friends, but it does prevent the worst feelings recurring again.
My e-mail is open archie2kATntlworldDOTcom, as well as those fancy PMs, telephone, carrier pigeon, or you can come down to Reading and we'll hit up Wetherspoons again. First lethal strength cider's on me.
Posts: 1985 | From: Reading, England | Registered: Dec 2002
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posted
Maybe we need a Snopes-meet in Jonny's vicinity?
Not so long ago, all I had in life was work. I worked overtime as that way I could be with people. Holidays were awful as it was just me and the cats and no-one else as I had no friends outside of work. About a year ago I decided that was crazy and self-pity. I started going places on my own and doing photography. I chatted to people I met at museums. I started going to a music club with colleagues (I'm not a big fan of blues, but it got me out and about and I got chatting to the regulars there). I ran an internet mailing list for a local social group (and joined corresponding mailing lists in nearby towns) and we met at pubs. I went to a Snopes picnic and had a really great time. For me, I had to get out of the habit of being alone and into the habit of taking time to meet people or go places.
If you are feeling really low, then talk to your GP or a helpline as you may have clinical depression. But you also need to take positive steps to join a club or society or to just go places and indulge an interest. It's a hard first step (loneliness can become a habit), but going out made me feel better about myself.
First, I'm sorry for what you're going through. It isn't trivial, it isn't whining. It's real and serious. Second, I don't know if this makes you feel any better but I think we all go through something similar, if not as serious, at some point in our lives. It will get better. But in my non-professional opinion you need some help before it will. There are many organizations/people willing to help. Start with your doctor. Third, we do care about you. I wish there were something more I could do...
-------------------- Infinite goodness is creating a being you know, in advance, is going to complain. Captain Billy Cutshaw Posts: 582 | From: Germany | Registered: Oct 2002
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posted
First, I want to second everybody that's said to go and speak to your GP. At the very least, if you've got a good one, s/he'll listen and it never hurts to have a real-life person sitting there and listening. And if you've got a bad one, then change until you've got a good one.
However, I do suspect (and I hope that I'm right) that you might have been drinking when you made these posts. You're usually much more coherent than in these posts, and it's possible that drink had clouded your judgement and made things seem worse than they are. I hope you feel much better when you wake up.
Either way, it's still serious, and talking to your GP is a good idea.
-------------------- seriously , everyone on here , just trys to give someone crap about something they do !! , its shitting me to tears. Posts: 16061 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 2000
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-------------------- "You never know when you will be attacked by a wild tortilla" - José Zavala "Happiness isn't happiness without a violin playing goat" Be good and you will be lonesome Posts: 3569 | From: USVI | Registered: Jun 2000
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posted
Jonny, please don't apologize for worrying people - we care about you. And please, too, do not minimize your own pain. It's so easy to say "oh, I was just overreacting, I'll be fine." It's human nature, I think, to not want to appear to be vulnerable, but we all are sometimes.
We need you, and even if you're not contemplating doing anything rash, we don't want you suffering stoically either. We're here for you as much as an online community can be.
You know some of our email addys and how to find us. And please don't be shy about reaching out.
Hang in there, my dear. And please keep us posted.
posted
Jonny, good luck to you from here as well. If you want to talk about this some more you can PM. I will respond, and will not laugh at you or judge you in any way.
And you are not the only person who ever felt this way. I know in my post-college years I was out of work, most of my hometown friends were not easily accessible, and I was really worried about being unemployable for the rest of my life. Little did I know then about the many good things that would happen later on.
posted
Jonny, It takes balls to reach out, even on a fairly anonymous internet message board. I'm glad that you did. I have to agree with trollface, the tone of your posts indicates that you had been drinking...or something. I hope that you won't wake up and think, "Oh hell, I was just drunk (or whatever), I'll be fine." Get some help...just talking to a professional can work wonders, and (if necessary) meds are just amazing these days.
Quick personal experience: 15 years ago when I was only 20, I got a 5:30am call from my father, who had been depressed. He simply said "Take care of your mother." No need for a long story, but my parents had been having financial problems and hadn't told anyone. I managed to talk my father "off the ledge", then I was able to help them out by paying for their bankruptcy lawyer. We got him into a Psychiatrist later that same day, and with the help of meds & counseling, he's been fine since. Now, as he nears retirement with 4 beautiful grandchildren, still with my mom, in a nice new house...suicide is probably not even a passing thought for him.
Please feel free to PM me. I'm around.
-------------------- Support you local community newspaper! CNN.com probably won't be covering your child's spelling bee. Posts: 609 | From: Rhode Island | Registered: May 2005
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quote:Originally posted by AliBaba: Jonny, please don't apologize for worrying people - we care about you. And please, too, do not minimize your own pain. It's so easy to say "oh, I was just overreacting, I'll be fine." It's human nature, I think, to not want to appear to be vulnerable, but we all are sometimes.
Obviously I can speak for no-one but myself. I always did this, trying to minimise the outward signs of any suffereign I had. The last thing I want is someone else getting in a flap over me. No, they should stick to worrying about their own lives and let me get on with mine. I will be fine again in a day (at one point I thought I was Borderline Personality Disorder) if left to my own devices. If you start giving "helpful" yet counter-productive advice, I'll be worse for longer. Thank you.
Is it a depression thing or a guy thing? Certainly I can't "talk through" my problems the same way a woman seems able to.
Posts: 1985 | From: Reading, England | Registered: Dec 2002
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posted
In addition to what the others have said about going for counseling and/or consulting your doctor, I'd suggest getting involved in something.
Do you like music? Do you have a halfway decent singing voice? Then join a choir.
If not music, identify your interest and see if there is some group which will help you use it. Are you good at carpentry? Contact Habitat. I don't know what your interests and skills are, but surely you have them.
-------------------- "The bicycle is the most civilized conveyance known to man. Other forms of transport grow daily more nightmarish. Only the bicycle remains pure in heart."--Iris Murdoch Posts: 3307 | From: Charleston, WV | Registered: Oct 2002
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Canuckistan
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
quote:Originally posted by Archie2K: Is it a depression thing or a guy thing? Certainly I can't "talk through" my problems the same way a woman seems able to.
I think it's both. I know when I was depressed, I really couldn't talk to anyone about my problems (or at least I felt that way), but even now, when things happen and I get upset, I just prefer not to discuss them.
I'm working on it, but it is hard.
-------------------- People need to stop appropriating Jesus as their reason for behaving badly. It's so irritating. (Avril) Posts: 8429 | From: New York run by the Swiss (Toronto) | Registered: Mar 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Archie2K: Is it a depression thing or a guy thing? Certainly I can't "talk through" my problems the same way a woman seems able to.
Which woman?
Seriously, I think it's far more complex than that. I've certainly known women who find talking unhelpful, and I'm sure there are men who find it helpful.
For me, it really depends on the specific situation that's bothering me. Sometimes talking helps, sometimes it doesn't.
-------------------- How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black Posts: 8322 | From: Columbus, OH | Registered: Aug 2005
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posted
Archie2K, it must not be a "guy" thing. I've not been much for talking through my problems, either. It is tiring and usually accomplishes nothing. In fact, I'd rather be left alone. By the way, there is a big difference in being "alone" and in being "lonely."
[Off Topic]I love solitude. That's probably why my being married to a long-haul truck driver never bothered me. My answer to people who would ask how I stood being alone so much was always, "Very easily, thanks." Now that he's had to retire, I have found that there's such a thing as too much togetherness. But, we give each other needed space and respect each other's privacy, so it works well.[/Off Topic]
Not saying this is the only right way to approach the situation, nor is needing to talk wrong. As several have said, people are different, so whatever works, go for it.
Jonathan, I hope you're feeling better today, and if you need to talk, then do it! If you need some meds to help you through, don't be embarrassed to take them. Too many men think they are supposed to be able to "snap out of it" or "tough it out." Not true. Needing or not needing help is not dictated by gender. Best wishes, dear. *hug*
-------------------- "This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman "Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam Posts: 4020 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
Stick with it. There must be something that makes life a little bit better. Grab on to that as long as you need to keep afloat and gather strength.
Right now, your posts are barely coherent and your mind is not clear. Do not trust yourself enough to make big decisions in that mental state. I lost a friend that way. Seek help, professional or from someone you trust, and, at least until you get better, trust their advice.
Get some sleep. It sounds trivial, but without sleep you can't think clearly and you can't handle the problems at hand. If nothing else, seeking help will get you some pills to help you sleep, and that helped me a lot after my father died.
-------------------- /Troberg Posts: 4360 | From: Borlänge, Sweden | Registered: Nov 2005
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quote: the only person ive ever truly loved doesnt want to know me, is scared of me and seems to want me out of her life.
plus this:
quote:i keep getting scenes, memories, dreams. unwanted, intrusive. pills. drugs. rope. razor. water. dreams of a way away from here and now. my instinct is always to look fr the easy way out. even if not gona take it.
make me think a counselor, therapist or psychologist would be a really good idea. You need to talk through your feelings about this person in depth. Also, as others have said, suicidal thoughts are a serious issue even if you don't think you'll go through with it.
I have been depressed before and although counseling was extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant for me, in the end it helped a great deal. Feel free to PM me if you like, even if just to vent some more. Your post took me mentally back to my darkest days and I feel deeply empathetic to you.
In summary, *hugs*
-------------------- Officially Heartless Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
What ThistleS said. I'm really sorry you are going through this.
And, since you haven't posted in a day, how are you doing?
-------------------- There are people who drive really nice cars who feel that [those] cars won't be as special if other people drive them too. Where I come from, we call those people "selfish self-satisfied gits." -Chloe Posts: 6995 | From: New Mexico | Registered: Oct 2004
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But, we give each other needed space and respect each other's privacy, so it works well.[/Off Topic]
