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Author Topic: Angry sex
CitizenAim
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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Is "angry sex" a common thing?

The reason I ask is because my boyfriend and I argue quite a bit, I'm talking HUGE arguments that often edge towards a breakup but never do (we're both very dramatic people). After these arguments, when there is still no resolution, we're still both angry at each other, but not really saying anything, he wants to have angry sex. I've seen this in movies but sex is just the last thing on my mind when I'm angry at someone... I'd rather them just go far, far awy from me and not bother me until I'm over it. I'm not a very sexual person to begin with but the one or two people I have talked to about this who do regularly have sex and see themselves as "normal" in terms of sex seem to think along the same lines as I do about this.

We have a pretty crappy sex life. I'm only 21, he's the first person I've ever had sex with, and I was pressured into it a year into the relationship after being told that only weird people or people holding out for religious reasons don't do it. He yelled at me when I cried the first time because it hurt and every time I've tried after that, it's still hurt or something was wrong and he continued to yell at me for it. He's admitted that was a mistake but it's made me see him differently and sometimes it makes me unattracted to him thinking about how he treated me.

When I've told him my feelings about the whole angry sex thing, he turns it against me and thinks it's just a part of me not being into sex that much. I mean, that might be a part of it but... how much can there be to "I'm angry therefore any form of intimacy is annoying"?

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NocturnalGoddess- naughty or nice?
Carol of the Dells


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Totally normal (and awesome). Crack open any given issue of Cosmo to find at least one example of it.

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"I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, EVIL stuff... and I want in."- Homer Simpson

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NocturnalGoddess- naughty or nice?
Carol of the Dells


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By the way, to put it lightly, your boyfriend sounds like an ass. I dated one for 3 years, you have my sympathy.

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"I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, EVIL stuff... and I want in."- Homer Simpson

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tagurit
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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CitizenAim, I agree with you that when I'm angry at someone, sex is the last thing on my mind, and I adore sex.

I'm sad that you're with someone that yells at you, particularly about sex and your reactions to it. I wish you'd consider that your boyfriend's behaviors towards you are not normal and find someone that treats you well.

Best to you.

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Explore, enjoy and protect the planet
---
AAMAH

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Donovan
Deck the Malls


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Sounds to me that he's using it as a control thing...

Donovan

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Illius me paenitet, dux (Latin for fun and business)

"It's like trying to hawk pork chops at a kosher PETA banquet." - Esprise Me

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Jay Temple
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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quote:
Originally posted by tagurit:
I'm sad that you're with someone that yells at you, particularly about sex and your reactions to it. I wish you'd consider that your boyfriend's behaviors towards you are not normal and find someone that treats you well.

Best to you.

What tagurit said.

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"Well, it looks we're on our own ... again."--Rev. Lovejoy

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Gabi
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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quote:
Originally posted by CitizenAim:

I was pressured into it a year into the relationship after being told that only weird people or people holding out for religious reasons don't do it. He yelled at me when I cried the first time because it hurt and every time I've tried after that, it's still hurt or something was wrong and he continued to yell at me for it.

Am I the only person utterly outraged by this? This is complete coercion, This is classic abuse/assault. Sorry to be blunt Citizen Aim, but run, run as fast as you can, do not look back. I know easier said than done, and if you want to talk PM me. You deserve better than this, you owe it to yourself to be treated with respect and dignity. Love should never hurt.

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"she chose the next moment to demonstrate her talent, very rare, for projectile vomiting while spinning" Bill Richardson about his new white bedspread

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Forgotten Fay
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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I agree with Gabi . Run sweetie. Run as fast as you can. Men like this really piss me off. [flame] I've been a realtionship or two like this, and it does not get better or easier. This IS a case of abuse/assult. Get out while you can sweetie.

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"Smile for me when I cannot Smile anymore..." ~ Myself

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foglifter
A View to a Krill


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I also would have to agree with Gabi.

quote:
When I've told him my feelings about the whole angry sex thing, he turns it against me and thinks it's just a part of me not being into sex that much.
No offense, but it sounds like he doesn't respect you and your feelings at all. No one deserves to be treated like that.

My PM box is always open if you need/want to talk.

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mags
Jingle Bell Hock


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Is having the drama you need in your life really worth the abuse you're putting up with? Can't you find a way to get the drama with someone who isn't using it to shove you around?

He is definitely not the right man for you, probably not the right man for anyone. He is an abuser, and this is only your most recent clue. The signs of his being an abuser ooze through your entire post. As my favorite sex columnist Dan Savage likes to say, DTMFA! (dump the m.f. already)

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Ramblin' Dave, quietly making noise
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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I also agree with Gabi. Run, don't walk.

I've had make up sex (with a hilarious revelation about an aspect of our relationship that had remained hidden until that moment to boot), and it was wonderful. But angry sex? Can't help you there. For some men, it's also the farthest thing from our minds.

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Another lifetime I'd have fallen in love with you
Swept away by my feelings, ashamed and confused
But just now it's enough to be walking with you
Let the mystery play as it will! -Lui Collins

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Illustrious Editor Ke
Miso Horny


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I'd like to add to the chorus that says--even though you didn't ask--that you should probably leave him.
"I can understand why a woman would think that any man is better than nothing; I'll just never understand what makes her think she has nothing." --Jeremy Goodwin

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The Master said: Seriously, there's no such ancient Chinese proverb. --Analects of Confucius

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Lainie
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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Get out. You deserve better.

quote:
Originally posted by Illustrious Editor Ke:
I'd like to add to the chorus that says--even though you didn't ask--that you should probably leave him.
"I can understand why a woman would think that any man is better than nothing; I'll just never understand what makes her think she has nothing." --Jeremy Goodwin

That's one of my favorite quotes, but I thought he said, "what makes her think she is nothing."

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How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black

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RiotGirlHeather
Jingle Bell Hock


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(slight hijack) I know the last thing you probably came here for was for people telling you to dtc (dump the chump) but Darlin', I've had boyfriends like that. Look at my past posts. I got the same reactions from the people here that you have. Over the years, I've come to realize it's because they care and they don't want to see another snopester, let alone another person, get hit or abused or become a statistic. I know that you said nothing about him hitting you but, I hate saying this, it's only a matter of time before he does. (hijack)

Now, onto the angry sex thing. Yes, for some people it's fun. My boyfriend and I have done it before, it's just like any other passionate feeling. Angry sex isn't weird, some people are just better suited for it than others.

Heather

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Luke: I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you.
Princess Leia: You're who?

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Spamamander in a pear tree
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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Just kind of putting my vote here for the "run-don't walk" school of thought.

Angry sex cam be primal and raw and healing all at once... but NOT when the partner is using sexuality as a weapon and belittling you. Period.

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"There is a race between mankind and the universe. Mankind is trying to build bigger, better, faster, and more foolproof machines. The universe is trying to build bigger, better, and faster fools. So far the universe is winning." -Albert Einstein

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CheezeIt
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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Agree, run don't walk. I don't want to read about you in a news blurb cause you decided you "loved him" and were "afraid to leave"....
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CitizenAim
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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Hmm, yeah, I've thought about leaving before but I've never really been sure if it was just me being irrational about this or not. I don't have many friends and the ones I have agree with me... but he knows tons of people who all seem to agree with him (even though he says everyone he knows says he's a jerk for yelling at me when I cried, but they wouldn't understand why I would not just leave at that point). He's seen me confiding in other people about him and thinks I don't give the full story and that he does but I think I do. He does a lot of things I won't get into here and when I say I don't like it, he even suggests it himself, "Well if you don't like it, then leave me because this is just how I am and it's not going to change."

It's hard to walk out when you're living together even if sometimes it's for the best. Seeing other people confirming that my heart really is in the right place, I might put some more thought into it. I love him... and I know that sounds sickening to any outsider... so there's a lot of stuff I need to seriously sit down and talk to him about and if that doesn't pan out agreeably, then I'm out the door.

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Giselle
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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quote:
Originally posted by CitizenAim:
He does a lot of things I won't get into here and when I say I don't like it, he even suggests it himself, "Well if you don't like it, then leave me because this is just how I am and it's not going to change."

so there's a lot of stuff I need to seriously sit down and talk to him about and if that doesn't pan out agreeably, then I'm out the door

That alone tells you its going to get worse. Yes its hard but it CAN be done. Even if you had to move out and live in a shelter its better than being with a man who has no regard for you.

I don't see why you think a talk would fix it, he already told you he isn't willing to fix it. Leave.

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Ralphie, get off the stage sweetheart.

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Ganzfeld
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Three words: Get out fast.
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Monkster
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales


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adding to the chorus.
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Canuckistan
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by THRILLHO:
Yes its hard but it CAN be done. Even if you had to move out and live in a shelter its better than being with a man who has no regard for you.

There are a number of posters who have left hard situations. They can give you invaluable advice on how to leave. It won't be easy, but it most certainly is for the best.

I'll repeat what everyone else is saying: Leave. Now. And don't look back.

(And my PM box is always open, should you need it.)

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People need to stop appropriating Jesus as their reason for behaving badly. It's so irritating. (Avril)

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Giselle
Happy Xmas (Warranty Is Over)


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I'm open to Pm's too. I was an asshat and took way too long to leave a guy like that and I had to start from scratch but the piece of mind you gain is more than any shared living space could ever be worth.

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Ralphie, get off the stage sweetheart.

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Midgard_Dragon
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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quote:
Originally posted by CitizenAim:
Is "angry sex" a common thing? *snip*

Okay, make up sex, AFTER an argument = good. Angry sex, in the middle of an argument, when you don't even want to do it? Sounds like a horny NFBSKer and a total asshat. My wife was much the same as this, my ex-wife that is. She thought the fact that I didn't want to have sex all the time, no matter what else was going on or what else was on my mind was just weird and constantly told me how any man would love to have a woman who wanted to have sex all the time any time. Of course, the last person she's had anything but phone sex with was me, soo...yeah, I wish her luck with her crusade to find the man who wants to do it all day every day.

Now, rough sex, which could seem like angry sex, is totally different, and what I thought you were going for with the title. Don't confuse the two, and don't let him convince you that the two are the same. If you're mad, upset, to the point of crying, AND you don't want to have sex, then there's no reason to do it. If you're mad, upset, to the point of crying, but you manage to be in the mood, then perhaps, and only a slight perhaps, angry sex may be enjoyable. However, rough sex is probably more likely to happen during angry sex, and if it still hurts you, you probably want to avoid these types of sex altogether.

I'm going to take a wild leap of logic here, so bear with me, I think the idea of angry sex may be one of those slightly unrealistic things often portrayed in porn movies as enjoyable. However, in real life, these things often don't work for 99% of the population. I'm not condemning porn by any means, God knows I enjoy it, but does he perhaps watch a lot of porn, and has gotten his ideas about sex from it? If so, it might help to tell him, and perhaps get someone else to tell him, that porn does not always translate to real life well.

However, I too am going to add my voice to the chorus of get the fark out of dodge. He doesn't sound like the type of person that can be reasoned with, and sounds like someone who could turn abusive at the drop of the hat. I hate to say that, because my temper during extreme fights (I have hit the wall on occassion, but never my ex or another human being) led my ex-wife to believe that I could very well turn abusive, which is part of the reason I have learned to control it so well, I'd rather learn to breathe slowly and cry or something than have someone I love believe I would hurt them. Anyways, I hate to say that he could, but just every situation you've given screams at me that he is and will be abusive. Frankly, he's already been emotionally abusive, if you want my opinion. Please, if you talk to him and he can't straighten up (which I don't think is possible, if he's so accustomed to it that he'd rather you leave than try to straighten up), leave him, and find a man that deserves you. And don't be afraid of being single, it may have it's downs, but it beats a relationship you just don't enjoy being in anymore.

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Midgard Dragon
-==UDIC==-
MidgardDragon's MySpace

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Davros
Happy Holly Days


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i will also add my Run do not walk to the others

with a bit of kick him in the nuts first

the guy is a total dickweed

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Wake up --- time to die
So I'm Evil Get over it

People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people

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Troberg
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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Leave him. This is your first relationship, trust me, they can actually be not only acceptable, but darn good. No need to stick in a bad one.

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/Troberg

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Barbara
Layaway in a Manger


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quote:
Originally posted by CitizenAim:
It's hard to walk out when you're living together even if sometimes it's for the best.

Breaking up with someone you live with is a lot more complicated than is ending things with someone you merely date. That is one of the things that has to be factored into the decision to move in together, that the exit is going to be a lot harder to find than was the entrance.

Barbara "yet no one ever thinks of that... the first time" Mikkelson

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Gabi
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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quote:
Originally posted by CitizenAim:

It's hard to walk out when you're living together even if sometimes it's for the best.

I would be happy to talk to you about stratagies to get out, I am a volunteer for a Sexual Assault Support Center (Domestic Violence is also part of our mandate), and have access to supports in your area, as well as resources and "to do" suggestions. I can also direct you to support groups both online and off that can help you gain the courage to leave. I can understand how difficult it is, and I can also understand how "easy" it is to stay. There are a myriad or reasons behind both choices, I would be happy to discuss this either here or email or by PM if you prefer (I know scary we are all relative strangers, so if you prefer an open forum I understand). Please know you deserve so much more than he is giving you.

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"she chose the next moment to demonstrate her talent, very rare, for projectile vomiting while spinning" Bill Richardson about his new white bedspread

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Lainie
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by CitizenAim:
I'm not a very sexual person to begin with [snip] We have a pretty crappy sex life. I'm only 21, he's the first person I've ever had sex with, and I was pressured into it a year into the relationship after being told that only weird people or people holding out for religious reasons don't do it. He yelled at me when I cried the first time because it hurt and every time I've tried after that, it's still hurt or something was wrong and he continued to yell at me for it.

Please take a look at these two parts of your post together. You say that you're not a very sexual person, but then you say that he's your first sexual partner, and go on to describe a pattern of very cruel, selfish, abusive behavior, some of it directly involving your sex life.

You may, in fact, have a naturally low sex drive. But it's also possible that you're not interested in sex because you're with a jerk who uses sex as a weapon against you, and who doesn't respect you as a person. Don't judge your sexuality based on your sexual feelings about this relationship.

And please, get out. I've got some experience in this area, too, and I'm also open to PMs.

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How homophobic do you have to be to have penguin gaydar? - Lewis Black

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LolaRennt
The First USA Noel


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The only feelings and opinions that count are yours and his. The opinions of your friends and his friends mean squat and having the argument of "well my friends think you're being unreasonable" is not going to get you anywhere.

Leave him - when he's at work or somewhere just pack your stuff and leave. Arrange to stay at a friend or family's place until you can find something else. You are not trapped - there are always options.

He doesn't care about you. You'll find that he will move on to some other victim shortly after you leave. Don't continue to be his victim.

LR

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Nonny Mouse, on Santa's laptop
Once in Royal Circuit City


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quote:
Originally posted by CitizenAim:
Hmm, yeah, I've thought about leaving before but I've never really been sure if it was just me being irrational about this or not.

Even if you were miserable in the relationship for purely irrational reasons, it wouldn't change the fact that you're miserable in the relationship. And staying in a relationship you're miserable in is definitely irrational.

Nonny

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When there isn't anything else worth analyzing, we examine our collective navel. I found thirty-six cents in change in mine the other day. Let no one say that there is no profit in philosophy. -- Silas Sparkhammer

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Gibbie
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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He is abusing you and you need to leave. Call a friend, a family member, a women's shelter, someone and tell them you need out now. You must leave.

Gibbie

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If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

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Bettie Page Turner
Happy Holly Days


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quote:
Originally posted by CitizenAim:
He yelled at me when I cried the first time because it hurt and every time I've tried after that, it's still hurt or something was wrong and he continued to yell at me for it.

Something was wrong. Him. He is a f***tard. Believe me honey...the problem ain't with you or your "responsiveness" or "normalcy." Run, and don't look back.

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You fail to consider, for such is the tyranny of fashion, that the swan is not a slim animal... -Jincy Kornhauser, Melinda Falling

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LyndaD
Jingle Bell Hock


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My first thought after reading the OP was that this guy likes hurting you. Citizen Aim, what he does to you (and apparently on a regular basis) is very near rape. I would seriously wonder if he is/was/will become a rapist.
Like others have said; you are in a dangerous situation. Please don't base your whole self/sexual image on this one jerk's opinion of you and his cockeyed notion of sex. Sex should not hurt, should not end with you in pain and crying every time. We in Snopes care about you; we want you safe and happy.
Hugs.

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I'll drive it ugly. You can't see the paint job when you're behind the wheel, anyway.

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Nick Theodorakis
We Three Blings


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I think he is abusive and has the potential to get much worse. You should leave, but plan carefully so he can't do anything to hurt you, since he might blow up at you when you cut him off. If you have to break up in person, do it in a public place, with some friends standing by. If you are living with him, wait until he is away from home (such as at work) and get out all your stuff out before he gets back (enlist some friends for help if necessary), or just go and forget about your stuff. Have a plan of someplace to go (e.g., a women's shelter as others have suggested, or a relative). But just leave; don't drag it out and let him get an opportunity to be more controlling.

Nick

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Posts: 1089 | From: Indianapolis, IN | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
the Virgin Marrya
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Honey, here's a thing: EVEN IF you had a totally out of whack libido, or were technically frigid - Even with polar opposite sex drives, compromises can be made with MUTUAL benefit - and I just don't see any of that mutual compromise being made at all.

I'm so sorry that your first sexual experience[s] have been so harsh.

Do you hear what we're all saying? [vanilla]Sex is not about hurting the other person, not even accidentally - because if you care for someone, and realise you're doing something that hurts them, you stop, or you take it slowly, and work together so that it gets better as you go along.

I am frightened for you with this guy - no matter how wonderful he may be when he's not hurting you badly enough to make you cry, and then yelling at you for crying... this is not someone who loves you, not someone who is capable of loving you.
He is certainly not someone who deserves to have access to your heart and soul, let alone your body.

He's not the guy to be the father of your children.
He's not the guy to spend the rest of your life with.
He's not the guy who is showing you a good time right now... so really, why are you with him, again?

You deserve to be treated with respect.
It entirely reasonable that your feelings be listened to, and your need for appropriate separateness to be honoured.
There are a heap of guys in the world who are kind, gentle, caring, compassionate, good with their hands in bed and out, strong, loyal, worthwhile men. This guy aint one of them, and the longer you stay, the more chances of finding the good ones you miss.

For a bazillion reasons that all begin with what's right and good and best for you, you need to make a plan, and remove yourself from this guys' circle of influence.

You would be better off alone in a self nurturing relationship with just plain you than with him.
It's hard, but not impossible, and the risks are not greater than the rewards.

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Posts: 5383 | From: New Zealand | Registered: Jan 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
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