posted
It's been slow at work because of the holidays and the babble meter has been running. But, one interesting discussion was about dying. if given a choice, would you prefer to go: a) quickly and peacefully in your sleep or b)slow, painfully and lingering but you have the time to say good byes and do things that you always wanted to do.
I know, what a subject for the Christmas Season. But, what prompted the discussion was the showing of the Michael Keaton movie "My Life" on the local station the evening before.
-------------------- Just singin' in the Bahrain Posts: 49 | From: Manama, Bahrain | Registered: Aug 2006
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posted
I'd like to die quickly, preferably in my sleep. I'm not afraid of death/being dead, but I am deathly afraid of the process of dying.
I must add that when a person you love dies suddenly like that, it hurts, but when a person you love hangs on and suffers for months on end, it hurts even more. Worse than not ever seeing my mother again is the memory of her suffering. YMMV
-------------------- "This air we're breathing. Oxygen, isn't it?"~I’mNotDedalus, impersonating Vincent D’Onofrio.|"Sometimes trying to communicate can be like walking through a minefield."~wanderwoman "Give people a break. It's not easy doing a life."~Joshua Halberstam Posts: 4020 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Nov 2005
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Quickly and in my sleep. Strangely, dying with no warning is actually something I have some underlying anxiety about, yet when I read the question that is the response that I instantly chose. I guess I fear the process of death more than the inability to settle my life.
-------------------- Officially Heartless Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005
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In my sleep. Most certainly. Nothing involving pain unless it was very short lived.
My grandparents xmas eve after most of the family have left just casually announce to my dad and my aunt that they have bought their headstone and it's in place on their plots.
My heart fell through my stomach. Now I'm fascinated with death, I love old cemeteries, and that doesn't bother me at all.
But it was hard to hear that. I got up and went behind their chairs and put my arms around them and laid my head on my grandma's shoulder and said "But you're not allowed to die". Here I am almost thirty acting like a five yo. My cousins all agreed with me over what I said. Then we all agreed, we need to visit them more often.
Also, speaking of xmas and death connection, A Christmas Carol has death as a major theme.
-------------------- ~All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream~ E.A.Poe
Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today. ~James Dean~ Posts: 516 | From: Anderson, Indiana | Registered: Oct 2005
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Ditto the others so far, especially Signora Del Drago. Death doesn't scare me at all; I'm of the atheist persuasion, and have no concerns whatsoever about any afterlife. "In this sleep of death, no dreams shall come."
Dying, on the other hand, is an experience I would prefer to occur to me while my attention is on something else entirely.
I do have the advantage of having no affairs to put in order, and no loved ones who need to be said farewell to. For a person with dependents and close family, I can respect the alternative answer: "I don't care if it hurts like hellfire, let me get my family taken care of first." I respect this, and am glad that there are such people in this world.
Silas
Posts: 16801 | From: San Diego, CA | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
What about a third option? Something like "Doing a brave/heroic/stupid act". I'd prefer to go doing something that would either get me on the front page or get me a Darwin award...maybe both!
-------------------- "I believe you believe that, but I just think you're confused." Posts: 311 | From: Mississippi | Registered: Jan 2006
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Quick and in my sleep. One of the worst things about watching MIL dying by inches was not just the suffering, but the personality changes as the cancer ate through her brain. She wasn't herself anymore, if that makes any sense, and that was so hard. FIL died of a heart attack, and while the punch hit much harder at the time of death, we found it easier to come to terms with in the long run.
Posts: 544 | From: Onalaska, WI | Registered: Nov 2005
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As much as I would like it to be quick and painless, I would rather have the time to say goodbye to my family and friends and try to get things in order before I went. I'm a pretty unemotional person (outwardly at least) so I would want to let everyone know how I feel in case they didn't already know. Of course, that's easy to say when it's hypothetical but I think I would keep the same answer if actually given the choice.
Posts: 835 | From: Massachusetts | Registered: Feb 2004
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quote:Originally posted by glass papaya: Quick and in my sleep. One of the worst things about watching MIL dying by inches was not just the suffering, but the personality changes as the cancer ate through her brain. She wasn't herself anymore, if that makes any sense, and that was so hard. FIL died of a heart attack, and while the punch hit much harder at the time of death, we found it easier to come to terms with in the long run.
I have the same mindset after watching first my paternal grandmother die fairly easily and quickly of colon cancer and then my maternal grandmother suffer with Alzheimer's for years, her personality gradually wilting and changing. I have instructed my boyfriend that if he is around when/ if I start to develop Alzheimer's, he is to help me kill myself.
-------------------- Officially Heartless Posts: 3065 | From: The Montgomery County of the West Coast- Berkeley, CA | Registered: Nov 2005
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I want to be walking down the street one day or doing whatever and just spontaneously combust. Pooff, nothing but dust instantly.
Posts: 332 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2006
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I forgot about spontaneously combusting. I change my choice. I want to spontaneuosly combust, only because I've spent a ridiculous amount of time wondering what it's like to spontaneously combust.
-------------------- ~All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream~ E.A.Poe
Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today. ~James Dean~ Posts: 516 | From: Anderson, Indiana | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
Add my vote to the "quick and painless, please" side.
Actually, spontaneous combustion does sound like it would be quite the experience! I want to be cremated after I die, so combustion would drastically speed up that process -- and save my family some money as well. (Ah, gallows humor.)
-------------------- The Wicked Witch of the West was FRAMED! Posts: 201 | From: Orlando, FL | Registered: Mar 2006
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Hey, Everyone...been off the board for a while but, seeing as this is a topic that I've been dealing with for the past 7 months, I felt I had something to contribute.
Since June, I've been working as a hospital chaplain and I've seen both the slow, lingering death and the sudden, traumatic death. Certainly for some patients who linger while dying, they express a thankfulness at being able to say goodbye to loved ones. I've even seen examples of people who are unresponsive for weeks and then, once that last relative shows up from out of town...boom, the next day they are dead. So, there is something to be said for that.
However, personally, I try to let my loved ones know how much I love them all the time, so, if I were to die suddenly, I can say that I wouldn't have any regrets as far as my family and loved ones were concerned.
The other advantage not often realized with having a sudden death is that while going through the grief process, the surviving loved ones are often spared a huge amount of guilt. Often, with lingering, slow illness, family members can start to feel deep down that they want the person to "hurry up and die." This can be for many reasons (the desire for them to be free of suffering, etc.), but no matter the reason, often, people have an overwhelming sense of guilt over "wishing that Grandma would just die." You still get guilt feelings in sudden death situations, but what I have seen is that those are more easily dealt with. Guilt over secret wishes of a family member's death tend to hang on a bit longer and can sometimes stall the grieving process.
So, for me, a quick, painless death would, I feel, be much better for both me and for those I love.
-------------------- I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. - Joe Walsh Posts: 801 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Jan 2003
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quote:Originally posted by glass papaya: Quick and in my sleep. One of the worst things about watching MIL dying by inches was not just the suffering, but the personality changes as the cancer ate through her brain. She wasn't herself anymore, if that makes any sense, and that was so hard. FIL died of a heart attack, and while the punch hit much harder at the time of death, we found it easier to come to terms with in the long run.
I have the same mindset after watching first my paternal grandmother die fairly easily and quickly of colon cancer and then my maternal grandmother suffer with Alzheimer's for years, her personality gradually wilting and changing. I have instructed my boyfriend that if he is around when/ if I start to develop Alzheimer's, he is to help me kill myself.
I think I may do the same. My grandfather, whom I absolutely adore, has Alzheimer's and it is just breaking my heart to see him get worse and worse. Just thinking about it now has caused me to start crying.
-------------------- "You better respect the Rap or the Rap won't respect you." Ledatru Posts: 1141 | From: Chicago, IL | Registered: May 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Heavy B: However, personally, I try to let my loved ones know how much I love them all the time, so, if I were to die suddenly, I can say that I wouldn't have any regrets as far as my family and loved ones were concerned.
Heavy B, you took the words right out of my brain. That's exactly why quick & painless would be my choice. That & the fact that my hubby & best friend are well aware of my wishes so I know I can trust them to get everything squared away that I haven't already done.
-------------------- "I reject your reality and substitue my own!" - Adam Savage, Mythbusters Posts: 411 | From: Indiana | Registered: Dec 2005
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posted
I too would prefer the quick and the painless. If we live our lives as though each day will be our last, then there would not really need to be any affairs to be put in order or any last goodbyes to say. I had a SO once who was a Secret Service Agent, each day as they left for work I would say goodbye as if I might never see them again.
-------------------- A woman needs a man like fish needs a bicycle....People don't care how much you know, but they know how much you care. Posts: 50 | From: Huntsville, AL | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
I prefer the quickly in my sleep, but I will add to it this:
I don't want to live 90 years if I'm going to spend the last 20 of them drooling on myself and thinking that I'm Marie Antoinette's stripper friend's Bichon Frise. I want life in my years more than I want years in my life.
-------------------- They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius
If I manage to post something swipe-worthy that you would like to make your sig, you may do so with my blessing. Posts: 2486 | From: East Stroudsburg, PA | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
I vote quick, though not necessarily instant. There is something to be said for saying goodbye, but individual situations vary so much.
When my dad, with whom I had a great relationship, died, he had undergone personality changes as well as his physical disability. After his first two strokes, he was wheelchair bound and needed help with just about everything - bathing, eating, toileting. But we managed to maintain a relatively happy existence because we loved each other and he was still getting some quality moments out of life. But after his third stroke, things changed. He called the nurses NFBSK n****rs, and my mom a bitch, which he never ever would have done before. He bit me, attacked the nurses,and broke two hospital beds. He made sheep noises all night. At that point, if I could have killed him without getting myself arrested, I would have, because there is no doubt in my mind that he wanted to die. We put a DNR on him, and when, after three months, he got pneumonia and died the next day, we were glad, as I think, was he.
I become infuriated when I hear people say that to wish for a loved one to die is selfish, because we don't want to take the trouble to care for them. I loved my dad, and would have done anything he needed. But sometimes, it just needs to be over.
Posts: 193 | From: Seymour, Indiana | Registered: Oct 2005
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quote:Originally posted by violetbon: I become infuriated when I hear people say that to wish for a loved one to die is selfish, because we don't want to take the trouble to care for them. I loved my dad, and would have done anything he needed. But sometimes, it just needs to be over.
Violetbon, I'm sorry about your loss! And I hope you didn't interpret my post as saying that people who wished for a loved one to die are acting selfishly (I don't think you were reacting to my post, but I just want to be sure). I was just trying to lift up the very common feeling of guilt when people are in that situation. As pastoral care providers, it's one area that we try to address if it's an issue, trying to move people to see that such desires are natural and normal, in no way do they "cause" the death of a loved one and that ultimately, such feelings come from a place of love and concern for their loved one, which is a good thing. Once that guilt is diminished, then the grief process can continue. So, yeah...I share your concern when people get the message that they are being selfish by wanting an end to their loved one's suffering.
-------------------- I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. - Joe Walsh Posts: 801 | From: Minnesota | Registered: Jan 2003
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quote:Originally posted by violetbon: I become infuriated when I hear people say that to wish for a loved one to die is selfish, because we don't want to take the trouble to care for them. I loved my dad, and would have done anything he needed. But sometimes, it just needs to be over.
Violetbon, I'm sorry about your loss! And I hope you didn't interpret my post as saying that people who wished for a loved one to die are acting selfishly (I don't think you were reacting to my post, but I just want to be sure). I was just trying to lift up the very common feeling of guilt when people are in that situation. As pastoral care providers, it's one area that we try to address if it's an issue, trying to move people to see that such desires are natural and normal, in no way do they "cause" the death of a loved one and that ultimately, such feelings come from a place of love and concern for their loved one, which is a good thing. Once that guilt is diminished, then the grief process can continue. So, yeah...I share your concern when people get the message that they are being selfish by wanting an end to their loved one's suffering.
Oh no Heavy B., no reference to you at all. I was thinking more about the type of things that you hear about every so often in the news. And I'll add that my pastoral care provider said something very similar to you - that we were fortunate to have said what we had to say - because the people who he saw having the most difficulty were the ones who had not said what they wanted to say before it was too late.
Posts: 193 | From: Seymour, Indiana | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
My papa was relatively lucky, and went through a year-and-a-half long "second infancy." He couldn't talk, nor would he respond to any complicated ideas or speech. But he smiled, and ate, and slept a lot. There was a "core personality" of sorts, or at least a happy baby.
But...I'd really rather not endure that, and I wouldn't want to put anyone else through seeing me that way. And I sure as hell wouldn't want to make anyone have to change my diapers every day.
It's bad enough, just getting up into middle age, and having problems with ordinary everyday memory! The notion of losing all sense of "self" as I comprehend it now is just unbearable.
Jingle Jay Temple: be darned sure to fill out the paperwork, and write an addendum that makes it VERY explicit how you feel. I recommend against shooting yourself, by the way: guns are tricky, and you could end up doing something really icky to yourself.
(Those who have read "Preacher" will remember the failed suicide attempt of "Arseface.")
There isn't any "good" way to end one's own life, but guns are really, really dangerous. (Also really messy: do you really want to make someone come along and mop up after you? I can tell you what that is like from first-hand experience...)
I guess, ultimately, it's a good thing that we don't come with an "off button." It would be too easy to use it when the time isn't really right. If dying were as easy as merely walking out the door, I warrant that at least a few of us would not be here.
Silas
Posts: 16801 | From: San Diego, CA | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
Quickly and painlessly in my sleep. Preferably next to the woman I love, preferably after passionate love making. I'm a walking cliche, but who doesn't want to go out that way?
Only problem I have with it is if partner doesn't go too, I don't think I would want her to wake up next to a dead man.
posted
Quickly, but not in my sleep. Possibly exceptionally painfully, too. Just so as I can have experienced it.
Really, when it comes to being alive, there's no bigger experience than dying (not even being born, because of the issues of conciousness and comprehension), and I'd hate to miss it. I want to experience it full-on.
Maybe falling out of a plane really high up, having a minute or two of free-fall where I know that I'm going to die, then hitting the ground and still being alive for maybe 10-30 seconds thereafter. It'd just be such a shame not to experience that.
-------------------- seriously , everyone on here , just trys to give someone crap about something they do !! , its shitting me to tears. Posts: 16061 | From: UK | Registered: Sep 2000
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quote:Originally posted by trollface: Really, when it comes to being alive, there's no bigger experience than dying (not even being born, because of the issues of conciousness and comprehension), and I'd hate to miss it. I want to experience it full-on.
I like this. Something bugged me about the "dying in your sleep" option and that is what it is I think. I do not want to die a long lingering illness death, but not a lay down go to sleep and die death.
-------------------- ~All we see or seem is but a dream within a dream~ E.A.Poe
Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today. ~James Dean~ Posts: 516 | From: Anderson, Indiana | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
I wouldn't mind a long lingering death, to be able to spend as much time with the people i care about. I'm already in constant pain, so heck, what's a bit more?
-------------------- Of course this land is dangerous! All of the animals are capably murderous. Especially the penguins.
i'm a figment of my own imagination, sometimes i don't exist Posts: 1099 | From: Kitsap County, WA | Registered: Oct 2002
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posted
Damn, Nick beat me to the joke. Though I'd heard it as "...not screaming and clawing at the windows like the passengers on his bus."
At any rate, I do hope it's quick and painless, and I also kind of hope it's before I get too far into my long and inevitable slide. In my family we tend to live a long time--this year I lost my final grandparent at the age of 97--but the last fifteen or twenty years are usually bad news all around health-wise. I don't want to be a burden to my children, if I ever have any. So a giant Looney Tunes-style anvil plummeting onto my head when I'm in my mid-sixties, that sounds good.
Max "jeez, morbid much?" Renn
-------------------- Sister Ann: DRIVE! DRIVE Crow T. Robot: Look, I'm already driving, there's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! If you want me to go faster, you should say so. Posts: 579 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Apr 2006
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quote:Originally posted by pirateslife: Quick and painlessly. That's my choice.
Purple Iguana, I agree with your rather eloquent and accurate answer. That'd make a lovely sig line.
You are welcome to it.
-------------------- They just don't make crazed, beserk robots like they used to. --Sheen Estevez, Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius
If I manage to post something swipe-worthy that you would like to make your sig, you may do so with my blessing. Posts: 2486 | From: East Stroudsburg, PA | Registered: Oct 2005
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posted
I was going somewhat along the same lines as trollface, though I always wanted to jump from a skyscraper of some sort (or, at least something 10 stories high - the higher, the better). Something to give me a few seconds to think, possibly regret, and then - splat - instant death. Maybe even something extravagant, like falling through a glass ceiling and landing in the midst of a business meeting. That would be awesome. Also, my mom, former nurse, used to tell me that picking up a 'jumper' was like carrying a sack of potatoes, haha.
Posts: 49 | From: Denmark | Registered: May 2005
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quote:Originally posted by Max_Renn: So a giant Looney Tunes-style anvil plummeting onto my head when I'm in my mid-sixties, that sounds good.
I've thought for a long time that my ideal would be to die instantly in an auto wreck coming home from my retirement party. Now I'd add: totalling a car on which no payments are owed, shortly before December 31 to optimize the tax situation.
-------------------- "Well, it looks we're on our own ... again."--Rev. Lovejoy Posts: 3572 | From: St. Louis, MO | Registered: Sep 2003
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Seeing as I am going slowly from a hereditary liver disease and kidney failure I don't get to pick I guess! However some days are better than others and I am not sure how the end will be, we talk about it often and what my wishes are including the clothes I want etc. I just hope not to wake up someday I guess.
posted
That's a tough question. My Dad was sick for six months and it tore us all up to watch him suffer. He was in discomfort all the time and actually in pain much of the time. But we all got to do stuff for him.
For example, I know my brother and sister would never trade the memory of taking him to his chemo treatments once a week each, and helping him once he got there. The children in the family drew cards and pictures for him -- whenever he was in the hospital, he wasn't there for more than an hour before there was at least one drawing up on the wall. Every time a new care giver came into the room, Dad introduced him/her to everyone in the family who was currently visiting, so we all knew how proud he was of us. And, when he did die, we were kinda prepared. Kinda.
But on the other hand, he DID suffer. And none of us wanted to see him go through that.
So I guess the final answer is that I don't know. Sorry to waffle like that.
-------------------- "No Biblical hell could ever be worse than the state of perpetual inconsequence." Beatrice in Dangerous Beauty Posts: 1816 | From: Cayuga County, NY | Registered: Nov 2005
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