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Author Topic: Movies they never made
evilrabbit
Jingle Bell Hock


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A somewhat-geeky-but-still-attractive teenaged boy has a crush on a popular girl all through high school, but he's too shy to say anything. He frequently tells his not-fashionable-but-still-pretty-in-a-unique-way female best friend how much he is in love with popular girl. Just before graduation, at a big party, he plans to tell popular girl how he feels. Wacky hijinks keep them apart til the end of the night, when he finally confesses his feelings. Popular girl, drunk as a skunk, laughs in his faces and tells all her friends (loudly) what a loser he is. Attractive geek boy is heartbroken, but realizes what a shallow bitch she is, and eventually gets over her, notices that female-best-friend has been making goo-goo eyes at him for years, and they enter into a relationship based on mutual interests and compatable personalities. They date for a while, but break up in college and remain friends. At the high school renunion, we find out that popular girl married the high school quarterback, had a couple demonspawn children, and went way down hill. She's still a shallow bitch.

*ALTERNATE ENDING: Heartbroken, geeky guy becomes obssessed with popular girl, withdraws to a dark room and begins writing creepy (and bad) poetry. Female-best-friend tries to get him into therapy. Counselling and medication help for a while, but geeky guy eventually kills himself; his suicide note is a crappy, Baudelaire-ish sonnet about popular girl, who doesn't even come to the funeral.

--------------------
"My sandwich choice is uncertain, until I actually order. It's like Schrodinger's Sandwich."
"Is plutonium involved in this sandwich in any way?"
"Maybe."

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chillas
Coventry Mall Carol


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quote:
Originally posted by Minstrel Pumpkin:

A pair of giant monsters get into a fight in Tokyo. The Japanese bring out the real military instead of the toy tanks they usually use.

YOMANK! [lol]

Stop it! You're going to get me in trobule at work!

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Come on, come on - spin a little tighter
Come on, come on - and the world's a little brighter


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Little Pink Pill
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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A simple, peace-loving family man is driven to seek revenge after his beautiful wife and child are killed by a cruel fiend with a scarred face and an old vendetta. Unfortunately, in spite of his secret military training, the peace-loving man is betrayed by his trick knee and rusty instincts, and he is shot 18 times when he walks straight into a trap on the first day of his quest--but not before he finds out his wife was pregnant.

"Wow, that was easy," says the fiend.

The end.

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The technical term is narcissism. You can't believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you're all powerful.--House

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Richard1978
Deck the Malls


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A young working class British man has a chance enounter with a rich American woman which blossoms into a full relationship, without him even prentending to be rich once.
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stalker
Deck the Malls


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A team of scientists are working on a cure for terrible but not quite deadly disease. One of the scientists slips whilst injecting a chimp and accidentally injects one of his co-scientists. The scientist becomes viollently ill, so his bosses tell him he can have the rest of the day off and not come back to work until he's feeling better.
Whilst recuperating at home watching daytime telly the scientist sees an advert for a "No Win, No Fee" accident compensation claim service. He calls them up, explains what happened and they say that they'll take on his claim. He later receives a cheque for £12000.
Unfortunately, the research company he was working for is relatively small and can no longer afford to stay in operation because of the extra fees they had to pay. He ends up on the social, wishing he'd never called that bloody number.

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Fetishists Unite! Anti-Fetishists Untie!

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Little Pink Pill
Little Sales Drummer Boy


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quote:
Originally posted by Richard1978:
A young working class British man has a chance enounter with a rich American woman which blossoms into a full relationship, without him even prentending to be rich once.

Notting Hill?

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The technical term is narcissism. You can't believe everything is your fault unless you also believe you're all powerful.--House

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glisp42
I'm Dreaming Of A White iPod


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A geeky guy is in love with the popular girl in high school but doesn't notice his uniquely cute friend. She gets sick of waiting around for this bozo and starts dating his best friend. Geeky guy confesses his love to popular girl and she laughs in his face. Geeky guy then realises his uniquely cute friend has been into him for years. She tells him to get bent because she's now in love with his best friend. Geeky guy ends up bitter and alone.
The End

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What does "Bookachow", "YOMANK" and other lingo mean?

And we'll collect the moments one by one I guess that's how the future's done. -Feist

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Richard1978
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by Little Pink Pill:
quote:
Originally posted by Richard1978:
A young working class British man has a chance enounter with a rich American woman which blossoms into a full relationship, without him even prentending to be rich once.

Notting Hill?
If would fit if it had the guy playing Spike in Hugh Grant's place. It's hard to believe these days that Hugh once played a Scots lay preacher in something in the 80s. I once saw a clip of this.
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James G.
Xboxing Day


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A mysterious disease breaks out arround a military resarch base. The scientists there insist that it can't possibly come from their research. It turns out they ar correct and the labs are working on producing biopolymers. The mysterious disease is just a very virulent flu.

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This is a public service announcement. The board is moving. Check Announcements Photos[/URL]

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bthyb
WiFi Christmas


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It was a dark and stormy night, and our hero & heroine's car broke down in the middle of nowhere. Just ahead, a dark, creepy house - wait, there's a light. Inside the house is a sweet transvestite.

The couple uses the phone and leaves.

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If you say you love ice cream, you better be dreaming of an orgy with Ben, Jerry, and one fine-ass chunky monkey.

-- My sister and poet extraordinaire, Joanna Hoffman

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glisp42
I'm Dreaming Of A White iPod


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A foreman working on a giant evil death machine notices a small vulnerability in the plans so he adds some guns to protect it. The plucky rebels who try and blow it up are then either blown out of the sky or captured and killed for treason.

A soldier on patrol near where the giant evil death machine part deux is being built notices a primitive people that are very aggressive. The populace is relocated and the garrison is increased to ensure the sheild generator remains protected.

ETA: Rather than personally gloat over the plucky rebels being defeated, the Supreme Dark Overlord just watches the whole thing on CNN

glisp"yes I went there"42

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What does "Bookachow", "YOMANK" and other lingo mean?

And we'll collect the moments one by one I guess that's how the future's done. -Feist

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evilrabbit
Jingle Bell Hock


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quote:
Originally posted by glisp42:
A geeky guy is in love with the popular girl in high school but doesn't notice his uniquely cute friend. She gets sick of waiting around for this bozo and starts dating his best friend. Geeky guy confesses his love to popular girl and she laughs in his face. Geeky guy then realises his uniquely cute friend has been into him for years. She tells him to get bent because she's now in love with his best friend. Geeky guy ends up bitter and alone.
The End

That was my alternate-alternate ending...I just got lazy. [Big Grin]

--------------------
"My sandwich choice is uncertain, until I actually order. It's like Schrodinger's Sandwich."
"Is plutonium involved in this sandwich in any way?"
"Maybe."

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chillas
Coventry Mall Carol


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An Evil Genius is bent on taking over the world. A top super secret agent is sent to thwart his plans, but is captured. The Evil Genius shoots the agent in the head, killing him and clearing a path to World Domination.

--------------------
Come on, come on - spin a little tighter
Come on, come on - and the world's a little brighter


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Grumpy
Deck the Malls


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Die Hard on a UFO.

"This time, they abducted the wrong man!"

"Hey ET -- probe this!"

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Oceanic Aura
The First USA Noel


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The last few entries have reminded me of this internet classic.

Years later, and it's still funny.

--------------------
"Are we talking misdemeanor trouble or squeal like a pig trouble?"

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KingDavid8
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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A poor artist and a wealthy society girl fall in love, but only meet in secret because they know her family wouldn't approve. Eventually, her family finds out and demand that she stop seeing the young man or else they'll disown her. They also introduce her to an attractive, slightly older man who is the heir to a fortune, hoping it will make her forget about the young artist. That's enough for her, and she goes with the heir and tells the artist guy to get lost.

------------------------------

There's a psychotic maniac who chases nubile young women around an abandoned campsite. But because he always walks slowly and they run away frantically at top speed, he never manages to catch any of them.

David

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www.MySpace.com/KDavid8

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kch8021
I Saw Three Shipments


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A family film that has 2 moms, completely normal, no drug abuse, no domestic violence, no violence period, they live in the burbs, and have a long term long-term relationship. No homophobia.

Just a fun movie our kids can identify with. They have 2 moms.

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Joe Bentley
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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A woman finds herself trying to decide between two men, one of who is which not obviously a total scumbag.

A brilliant scientist attempts a radical new scientific experiment and everything goes according to plan.

But seriously the one I'm waiting on is this:

"Mr Bond. A rogue terrorist leader has seized control of a dozen nuclear weapons from a breakaway Russian Republic and has seized control of an abandonded military installation high in the mountains of Eastern Europe. He has a small army of ruthless mercenaries and has threated to launch a nuke against a major city every hour until his demands are met.

So of course we will be sending in an entire army. No logical reason we would just send in one person. In fact I'm not even sure why I'm telling you this. Why don't you just kick back with a martini or whatever it is you do?"

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"Existence has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long." - Rorschach, The Watchmen

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VersesBatman
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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A sad, lonely boy finds an alien left behind millions of light years away from his home planet. The alien lays eggs inside the boy and baby aliens burst out of his chest and he dies.

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It's like they took a bunch of movies, put them in a blender and turned it on really fast!-Mystery Science Theater 3000

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waterlily
Jingle Bell Hock


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I've always wanted to see a soap opera storyline where a scheming girl plans to get pregnant by the guy she's obsessed with to keep him from the girl he really loves. She does get pregnant but the guy doesn't care, tells he doesn't want anything to do with her or the baby and the girl is left alone with a baby she didn't even really want. It might actually make a compelling story.
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Finding Tinsel
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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A group of five high school students have detention on a Saturday morning. Initially, none of them get along. Early into the detention session the principal- who is suppossed to be supervising them- receives an urgent phone call and therefore has a legitimate reason to leave the room. In his absense, the students begin talking amongst themselves.

But, they quickly realize they have little in common. They note that it is appropriate that each one of them travels with a different social clique. They stop talking and begin working quietly on homework assignments. The principal returns to the room. He sits back down, supervises the students, and the remainder of the detention is orderly and downright uneventful. The biggest surprise of the day is that even the metal-head, who is often rude, is polite and respectful to the principal. At the end of the detention period, each student leaves the school regretting that they had to spend any time with the other four people.

--------------------
me: "So then there was this one guy that wrote a poem insulting the girl that organized the poetry reading."
Amy: "...Was the guy you?"

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Echinodermata Q. Taft
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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Most of these are wonderfully funny and unfilmable. But this one I'm actually surprised they haven't made. It could be great, in a "Snakes on a Plane" kind of way. (In fact, we ought to give Sam Jackson a call...I think he'd go nuts for it!)

quote:
Originally posted by Grumpy:
Die Hard on a UFO.

"This time, they abducted the wrong man!"

"Hey ET -- probe this!"

How about: a series of mysterious killings in a remote mountain town has baffled the police. An amateur investigator encounters a crazy-seeming hermit from the woods, who tells him it's being caused by an vengeful Native American spirit that possesses people and causes them to kill their loved ones in an attempt to frighten the whites off sacred land. Everyone in town tells the investigator to ignore the crazy old man.

The killer turns out to be a junkie, mugging people for drug money. The old man is just crazy.

--------------------
http://eqtaft.blogspot.com

Hope for the future! http://www.runobama.com

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James D
Deck the Malls


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Turning on the blender...

A couple of androids crash on a large planet which is one continuous desert. Amidst the spice which is produced by giant worms they find a ring. They wed in a quiet ceremony even though one looks like a big trash barell and has no fingers.

In time an old wizard who is powerful with the force tells them that the ring is evil and it must be destroyed in the central core of a giant space station where it was created. Despite being sentient beings they are considered property of a young farmer who follows the wizard around and thus are forced to comply.

They seek the help of the regional space navy, but are turned down because the prime directive forbids assisting primitive peoples. An idealistic young ensign helps them anyway (for which is later court marshaled).

Aboard the giant space station the farmboy and wizard murder the emperor's second in command by using a coordinated attack. However, a slimy creature bursts out of the farmboy's chest making him another casualty of war.

In a strike for droid rights the androids give the ring to the evil emperor rather than destroy it. The evil emperor nukes the planet from orbit - just to be sure.

The old wizard boards a spacecraft filled with elves and heads off into deep space never to be seen again.

Roll credits...

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The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - )

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James D
Deck the Malls


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A young but nerdy boy gets a crush on the homecomming queen. Realizing that his plain looking female friend has far more in common with him, they fall in love. Then they conspire to dump a bucket of red paint on the homecomming queen at the dance. She gets angry, mutters a few choice words under her breath, and storms out - followed by the captain of the football team. He consoles her by explaining how disappointment happens, like his mediocre 3-7 league record.

They graduate and go to college. The nerdette gets pregnant and they end up dropping out as the nerd gets a job selling electronics to pay for the baby. Meanwhile the jock goes on to become a state senator in a safe district. His career falls apart after his wife leaves him for another woman and he forgets to file his papers for seeking reelection. He ends up writing editorials for a libertarian blog.

The end?

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The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.
Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - )

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The Rubber Chicken
The First USA Noel


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A hunky, popular football star asks the nerdy, average-to-ugly-looking girl with glasses who everyone makes fun to tutor him so he can graduate. He and his friends constantly make fun of her when she is not around. However, as the football star gets to know her, he realizes she is even more nerdy than he thought. Later in the film, she takes off her glasses, and everyone is amazed -- she isn't any prettier at all. Everyone continues to make fun of her, the football star stays popular, and then they all graduate and go to different colleges and don't really care about high school anymore.

*****

A nerdy high school kid who writes for his school newspaper visits a laboratory during a school field trip. A genetically-modified spider that escaped from its cage bites him on the neck. He goes into shock from the venom, and dies on the way to the hospital. The owners of the laboratory are brought up on charges for negligent homicide, and the company that owns the laboratory is sued for several hundred million dollars.


*****

A group of ragtag rebels attempt to wage war against a gigantic galactic empire. Several of the main rebels are captured, and try to rescue a high-profile prisoner while escaping from the Empire's heavily guarded battle station. During the escape attempt, they are all gunned down by a platoon of Stormtroopers, who, due to their superior weapons and training, are able to lay down very accurate fire and hit each rebel dozens of times. The high-profile prisoner is later executed. The entire rebellion is then destroyed after they attempt a foolhardy assault on the same heavily-fortified battle station.

The End.

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Visit my blog, Websurdity... the Weird, the Bizarre, the Silly, the Absurd.

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Minstrel gone caroling
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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A ragtag group of misfit kids, with the help of some adult assigned to coach them for community service hours, form a sports team. They get decent and enter a tournament. They make it to the finals, where their opponent is the toughest team in the league. In spite of a good effort, they lose.

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Last year's goat was burned down by vandals dressed up as Santa Claus and the Gingerbread Man. They were never caught.
My blog. The Adventures of the Fish O'Thwacking.
Countdown: 177 days (or less!)

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Santa Mari-a
Happy Holly Days


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quote:
Originally posted by Minstrel Pumpkin:
A ragtag group of misfit kids, with the help of some adult assigned to coach them for community service hours, form a sports team. They get decent and enter a tournament. They make it to the finals, where their opponent is the toughest team in the league. In spite of a good effort, they lose.

Didn't something like that happen in the original "Bad News Bears"?

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Si hoc comprehendere potes, gratias age magistro Latinae.

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Minstrel gone caroling
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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Oh, I don't know, I never saw it! I just thought in most sports movies, the protagonist kids always win. [Smile]

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Last year's goat was burned down by vandals dressed up as Santa Claus and the Gingerbread Man. They were never caught.
My blog. The Adventures of the Fish O'Thwacking.
Countdown: 177 days (or less!)

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bthyb
WiFi Christmas


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A girl who lives in her own fantasy world is pressed to babysit her baby brother when her father and stepmother go out. She pouts and flounces around dramatically, but takes care of the kid. She then watches some TV and falls asleep, and has no dreams, especially none with David Bowie.

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If you say you love ice cream, you better be dreaming of an orgy with Ben, Jerry, and one fine-ass chunky monkey.

-- My sister and poet extraordinaire, Joanna Hoffman

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Grumpy
Deck the Malls


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quote:
Originally posted by Porifera Taft:
(In fact, we ought to give Sam Jackson a call...I think he'd go nuts for it!)

Y'know, I've had the UFO idea in th back of my mind for years, back when it was more of a Schwarzenegger spoof. But now that you mention it... "I want these m*therf*ckin' aliens off this m*therf*ckin' spaceship!"
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lioness
Deck the Malls


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A young boy is left alone when his parents go on vacation for Christmas. While he's alone, two burglars break in and kill him.
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Tia
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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Bitter and twisted elderly maiden great aunt is granted care of orphaned 8 year old girl. Girl is very cute and has her own very special philosophy. Great Aunt decides she is too old for the responsibility, hands girl over to social services who find an average fosterfamily who don't abuse her, and everyone sinks happily into obscurity ever after.

Tia

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Lady Moon
Jingle Bell Hock


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Ripping off from myself, sort of...

half of a rock band that's going nowhere decide to get jobs and become cops. the band turns into their vice assignments and their solve rate goes through the roof.

What would happen if they get a recording contract?

......gee, I might write this one.....

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"We've got a fifth member of the band round here, and he's DEFINITELY out of tune!" -- Keith Moon

"If I had a thousand quid for every time I've introduced this song --- oh, I do!" -- John Entwistle

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Finding Tinsel
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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A group of high school kids are bored and so they decide they will sneak in to an abandoned house on the outskirts of town which is believed to be haunted. It turns out that the inside of the house is merely dusty and dilapidated. Nothing scary or eventful happens while they're inside. They wait a few days, fearing that they might get hit by some sort of time-delayed curse. But, Nothing Happens! The teens are confused and disappointed that all the stories about the house are false. The teens then post a message of Snopes.com. The headline says:

Purported 'haunted house' on Lammermoor Avenue:

Status- Proven to be false.


*******


A Super Villain sends a threatening letter to City Hall, proclaiming that he intends to terrorize the city. He even boasts that SuperHeroMan will never catch him. The police call on SuperHeroMan for help. Within two minutes, SuperHeroMan spots Super Villain at a coffee shop, and arrests him. The police offer SuperHeroMan a cash reward for his service to the city. SuperHeroMan realizes that his secret identity keeps him strapped into a dead-end job and he often struggles to make ends meet. So, he indeed accepts the cash award. He also provides a vow to the police that he will help them apprehend any other super villains that try to attack the city in the future. Much to SuperHeroMan's dismay, he is never needed again. He watches the news everynight, hoping he'll be called on; but the only crime in town is petty crime so noone needs a super hero. After a few years, SuperHeroMan begins feeling worthless and falls into depression. All that keeps him going in life is a tiny plant he keeps in his apartment window. Sadly, one day he over-waters the plant, and it dies.

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me: "So then there was this one guy that wrote a poem insulting the girl that organized the poetry reading."
Amy: "...Was the guy you?"

Posts: 22 | From: Florida | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Mouse
Markdown, the Herald Angels Sing


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Two people who have a disagreement or a problem actually talk about as opposed to spending an hour and a half moping.

Mouse the "I hate romantic comedies." Louse

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"You see? The mysteries of the Universe are revealed when you break stuff." Coop from MegasXLR

"I distrust who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." -- Susan B. Anthony

Posts: 2246 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Jul 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
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