I have two sisters-in-law (Mr. Orshee’s half-sisters), each of whom has a boyfriend. SIL 1 (Betty) is 23 and has been dating her boyfriend for a couple of years; they live together and have set a wedding date (late 2007). I can’t stand Betty’s boyfriend – I think their relationship is terribly dysfunctional and I am hoping she wises up and dumps him well before the wedding. But for now he seems to be here to stay.
SIL 2 (Veronica) is 25 and has been dating her boyfriend for over a year. She was married to another guy for three years but divorced him to be with the current boyfriend. They are now living together. I have not met Veronica’s boyfriend.
The in-laws exchanged “wish lists” for the holidays, and Veronica included a list of things her boyfriend would like. I don’t care to buy gifts for people I’ve never met. I also don’t care to buy gifts for people who help break up marriages, and I admit that is affecting my judgment here.
The thing is, I do buy Christmas gifts for Betty’s boyfriend, so I’m wondering if I should suck it up and buy a gift for Veronica’s boyfriend as well.
Mr. Orshee and I will be celebrating Christmas on our own, so I won’t even be there to exchange gifts. I honestly hadn’t even considered getting this guy a gift until Veronica mentioned it on her wish list.
In my own family, we would never have purchased gifts for significant others. Christmas, for us, was for family only. I’ve had these in-laws for ten years and I’m still not used to this.
What do you think?
Posts: 130 | From: Minneapolis | Registered: Feb 2005
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Rhiandmoi
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Buy them both a couples gift. Like a Sausage Basket.
-------------------- I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.
posted
That would be a good compromise...but, for the past couple years, we've agreed to exchange $30 gift cards. So if I get him something, it would kinda have to be a $30 gift card (I've already purchased Veronica's card).
Posts: 130 | From: Minneapolis | Registered: Feb 2005
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posted
IMO, you're never obligated to give a Christmas gift, particularly to someone whom you've never met. It should be about wanting to give a gift to someone simply because you want to, not because you feel you have to. However, I also understand if you don't want to feel like you're excluding anyone. In that case, I would go for a couple's gift as Rhi suggested.
-------------------- "You're the opposite of troll. It's a compliment!" Posts: 12086 | From: Alberta | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
To me, being expected to give a gift card for a specific amount to someone you've never met is the epitome of what gift giving is not supposed to be.
Since you've already bought your SIL's card, though, I think you're probably stuck. I'd go for a couple's gift next year, though...unless you've gotten to know him by then.
Nonny
-------------------- When there isn't anything else worth analyzing, we examine our collective navel. I found thirty-six cents in change in mine the other day. Let no one say that there is no profit in philosophy. -- Silas Sparkhammer Posts: 10141 | From: Toronto, Ontario | Registered: Apr 2000
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I know how you feel about not liking Veronica's SO. I really, really don't like my brother's SO, and I've known her for 6 years. But I'll still send her a birthday e-card (I don't know her real address) every year, because that's common courtesy. So, at the very least, give him a real card.
-------------------- My mom, about my nervousness with Jeopardy!: "Don't worry about it. Just get drunk and you'll do fine." Blog Just call me Mickey 2 Posts: 3295 | From: Radford, VA/Herndon, VA/Orlando, FL | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
A say couples gift too. If you have had a system set up for gift certificates in the past for $30 then stick with it.
You can get a gift certificate to a restaurant and still address it to both with something like "I hope you both have a lovely dinner".
Nobody should expect a gift. THAT is what's rude.
But maybe someone ASKED her to provide a few things that he would like too on the list.
Posts: 332 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2006
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posted
Use the $30 gift card you already bought her and buy them a sausage basket.
Or, address the $30 gift card to them both.
Or, do as Nicki suggested and buy a restaurant card/certificate. Use the $30 gift card on yourself or someone else.
-------------------- Dude, do we want to discuss why I was just hit in the head with a thumb? Posts: 833 | From: San Diego, CA | Registered: May 2003
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Sara at home
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You have to treat both boyfriends the same. Both are living with the sisters in long term presumably committed relationships so you should treat them equally. I would say that if you and Mr. Orshee each get $30 gift cards from them, then you should send gifts to the sister's boyfriends.
If either of the sisters has a baby, would you refrain from sending a gift because you never met the baby?
You didn't ask, but exchanging $30 gift cards sounds just plain dumb to me. Why bother?
-------------------- Assume that all my posts will be edited at least once. Dyslexic -- can't spell, can't type, can't proofread. Posts: 8317 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
What she said about treating both the same. If you really don't like him you can have fun being passive-aggressive and finding the worst possible gift (not that I have ever done anything like that, I hasten to add ), but you need to at least be able to *claim* you've treated everyone equally.
-------------------- ~~Ai am in mai prrrrrraime!~~ Posts: 10111 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I disagree with having to treat them the same. If they were actually married, maybe, but SOs you get to decide how much a part of your personal family they are. Couples gift all the way.
(the only way I would ever feel obligated to get someone a gift of a specific value would be in a "gift swap" situation. In such a situation if someone is universally considered enough of the family to get in on the draw that then adds into the pool as well as subtracting.)
Posts: 96 | From: Attleboro, MA | Registered: Nov 2006
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Rhiandmoi
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I don't see why it should matter if they are a married or not, since Orshee doesn't like the other boyfriend and she buys for him.
-------------------- I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.
Sara at home
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quote:Originally posted by Kahuna Burger: I disagree with having to treat them the same. If they were actually married, maybe, but SOs you get to decide how much a part of your personal family they are.
If you decide one live in boyfriend is family and gets a present and the other isn't, be prepared for the sister with "the other" to be offended and angry.
-------------------- Assume that all my posts will be edited at least once. Dyslexic -- can't spell, can't type, can't proofread. Posts: 8317 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Does this mean you and your husband will also be getting gifts from the boyfriends? If Reggie and Archie are giving everyone $30 gift cards then I think you don't have much choice.
-------------------- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr Posts: 18428 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Christie: Does this mean you and your husband will also be getting gifts from the boyfriends? If Reggie and Archie are giving everyone $30 gift cards then I think you don't have much choice.
I disagree. Reciprocation shouldn't be the only motivation behind gift-giving.
-------------------- "You're the opposite of troll. It's a compliment!" Posts: 12086 | From: Alberta | Registered: Feb 2000
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quote:Originally posted by Rhiandmoi: I don't see why it should matter if they are a married or not, since Orshee doesn't like the other boyfriend and she buys for him.
And that is entirely her choice. You are not obligated to buy gifts for anyone who you don't want to especially (imho) if you are not actually spending the holidays with that person. There's a greater social pressure (again imo) if the person has officially married into your family, but still not an obligation.
(I would really consider this Mr Orshee's call, to be honest. A not-yet-brother-in-law-in-law is just not on my list for presents unless its someone I reguarly see and socialize with.)
Posts: 96 | From: Attleboro, MA | Registered: Nov 2006
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-------------------- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr Posts: 18428 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Christie: Does this mean you and your husband will also be getting gifts from the boyfriends? If Reggie and Archie are giving everyone $30 gift cards then I think you don't have much choice.
I disagree. Reciprocation shouldn't be the only motivation behind gift-giving.
I agree that it shouldn't be the only motivation - but it sounds like it may be the main motivation in this specific situation. It comes down to whether Orshee wants to draw a line in the Christmas gift sand over this or not. My feeling is if each sister+boyfriend is giving a joint gift than problem solved - if they are each giving separate gifts it does get stickier.
I have to say I'm inclined to agree with Sara in that I think exchanging $30 gift cards automaticallyfor everyone does seem a little, well, cold.
-------------------- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr Posts: 18428 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 2001
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Rhiandmoi
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I don't think reciprocation and keeping the peace should motivate gift giving per se, but I do think that people should be aware that not reciprocating might cause problems, especially if only one person is being excluded. If the only reason you are giving a gift is to keep the peace, I don't see anything wrong with that.
-------------------- I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.
quote:Originally posted by Christie: Does this mean you and your husband will also be getting gifts from the boyfriends? If Reggie and Archie are giving everyone $30 gift cards then I think you don't have much choice.
Nope, no gifts from the boyfriends (at least, not previously). They give gifts as a couple but get gifts as individuals.
I agree - it is stupid to exchange $30 gift cards, but it was a solution to a bigger problem, and it works for the most part, so I don't mind so much. It makes shopping quick and everyone gets what s/he wants.
How do others handle significant others when it comes to gift giving?
Posts: 130 | From: Minneapolis | Registered: Feb 2005
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Rhiandmoi
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But do you and your husband each get a gift from each sister couple?
-------------------- I think that hyperbole is the single greatest factor contributing to the decline of society. - My friend Pat.
quote:Originally posted by Orshee: Nope, no gifts from the boyfriends (at least, not previously). They give gifts as a couple but get gifts as individuals.
That puts me even more firmly in the camp of getting them couples gifts, particularly if reciprocation is an important consideration for you.
ETA: Oh, and Rhi's question is a good one.
-------------------- "You're the opposite of troll. It's a compliment!" Posts: 12086 | From: Alberta | Registered: Feb 2000
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How do others handle significant others when it comes to gift giving?
We haven't exchanged with my siblings in years - it just got too crazy! But when we did, I did the shopping and I would buy (for example) a gift for my sister Juliet and a gift for her husband Romeo that would be from my husband and I.
Edited to remove totally redundant sentence.
-------------------- If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, it's just possible you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr Posts: 18428 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Nov 2001
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quote:Originally posted by Orshee: How do others handle significant others when it comes to gift giving?
My brother-in-law has a new serious girlfriend nearly every Christmas. Few of his girlfriends have ever given us presents, but I send them something little anyway because it seems like a friendly thing to do.
We gave 2004 girlfriend a pretty calendar and a $15 box of Godiva chocolates. 2005 girlfriend had only been the SO for two weeks, but this year I know she'll be opening presents with BIL's parents on Christmas Eve. I knitted her a fancy face cloth that looks like a flower and put some nice bath products inside.
-------------------- This used to be the life, but I don't need another one. MyBandwagon Posts: 3254 | From: small town Texas | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
Is it okay for me to put in a request for a sausage basket? For some reason, that sounds so good right now!
*ahem*
Continue, please!
-------------------- "When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."--George Bernard Shaw Posts: 19266 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Jun 2002
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quote:Originally posted by AnglRdr: Is it okay for me to put in a request for a sausage basket? For some reason, that sounds so good right now!
*ahem*
Continue, please!
I swear I read that as sausage blanket and wondered what the hell it was. Like do you eat it or sleep under it?
Gibbie
-------------------- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. Posts: 3993 | From: Indiana | Registered: Feb 2000
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quote:Originally posted by AnglRdr: Is it okay for me to put in a request for a sausage basket? For some reason, that sounds so good right now!
*ahem*
Continue, please!
I swear I read that as sausage blanket and wondered what the hell it was. Like do you eat it or sleep under it?
Gibbie
Oh, but why should you be forced to choose? Lay under it, and nibble in your sleep...sounds heavenly to me (but then my adoration of sausage is a little discomfiting).
-------------------- "When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."--George Bernard Shaw Posts: 19266 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Jun 2002
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Sara at home
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No, you tuck your sausages in at night with a sausage blanket. Don't yous guys know anything???
-------------------- Assume that all my posts will be edited at least once. Dyslexic -- can't spell, can't type, can't proofread. Posts: 8317 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
Are my sausages supposed to have their own sausage bed, too?
-------------------- "When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty."--George Bernard Shaw Posts: 19266 | From: Nashville, TN | Registered: Jun 2002
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quote:Originally posted by Rhiandmoi: But do you and your husband each get a gift from each sister couple?
Yep.
ETA: Thanks to all for the suggestions and comments. I am actually glad to see that there is some disagreement among the responses. There are valid arguments on each side that I completely agree with, which is what makes this difficult.
I hate Christmas, I really do. Not just because of this situtation - there's a lot going on family-wise that makes me hate the holidays - but things like this don't help. Bleh. Thanks to all who have offered advice, though.
Posts: 130 | From: Minneapolis | Registered: Feb 2005
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Sara at home
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quote:Originally posted by Orshee:
quote:Originally posted by Rhiandmoi: But do you and your husband each get a gift from each sister couple?
Yep.
Then it would seem that unless you want to be talked about, you need to send both sisters and their boyfriends presents. The family pattern seems to be one gift to each person from each couple.
-------------------- Assume that all my posts will be edited at least once. Dyslexic -- can't spell, can't type, can't proofread. Posts: 8317 | From: Reading, PA | Registered: Mar 2004
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quote:How do others handle significant others when it comes to gift giving?
In my family my fiance and i get couple gifts or separate gifts depending on the person giving, but gifts are often something like a beach towel or box of choclates ( we have about a $10-$15 limit on kids presents). My family is so big anyway( my dad is one of 5, most of which have at least 3 kids, my mum's family we don't see at christmas) one extra is nothing. Not only do relatives foster children, the there are 3 or 4 of us older ones in long term relationships.
-------------------- Love is a sudden revelation: a kiss is always a discovery Posts: 902 | From: Australia | Registered: Dec 2005
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Sara at home
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quote:Originally posted by Orshee:
quote:Then it would seem that unless you want to be talked about
It's not that kind of family. Really.
Obviously I don't know them but I find it hard to believe that if you don't send a gift for one live-in boyfriend but do for another, you will be talked about if the one sister finds out you sent a present to her sister's boyfriend but not hers. We are (weren't, there aren't any of us left) "not that kind of family" and I know it would be considered odd enough that someone would have commented on it.
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Sara at home
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My best friend and I have exchanged gifts for 30 years. When I married, she did not include my husband in her gift giving which was fine. She did send gifts for my son. When she got an SO, I didn't get a gift for him. However, over the the years, we started adding in token couples gifts -- candy, usually -- which are given to the guys to open. But that doesn't really address the situation at hand because she isn't family.
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Not just because of this situtation - there's a lot going on family-wise that makes me hate the holidays - but things like this don't help. Bleh. Thanks to all who have offered advice, though.
