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Author Topic: Noah and the Ark
Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights". Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard...but no ark.

"Noah," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!

When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

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Ad astra per asparagus.

Posts: 4806 | From: Groton, CT | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Senior
Let There Be PCs on Earth


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I got the above email and it really annoyed me

quote:
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
First of all, Genesis informs us that the Lord will not use water for wiping out the population again. (Gen 9:13) Secondly, the dispensation given by Jesus means that the whole population of the Earth is capable of being saved. Therefore, if the writer is a Christian, then he’s a heretic.

quote:
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
The Coast Guard makes determinations about outfitting ships. Building inspectors inspect buildings, not ships, so they could care less about the Ark having sprinklers.

quote:
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
I hope the Appeal Board shot down setting up a shipyard in a neighborhood zoned residential. Shipyards are considered heavy industry.

quote:
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
“But The Lord told me the sea would be coming here.”

“God talks to you. Yeah right. Hey Charlie, this one's for the nice men in white suits.”

quote:
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
Most people get lumber from lumber yards.

quote:
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
When did animal rights groups become part of the government?

quote:
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
The EPA doesn’t require impact studies on “Acts of God.” Even if they did, they wouldn’t bother Noah for an impact statement, because he’s not the one causing the rain.

quote:
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
The only people required to hire minorities are those who are hiring from the general population, and even then the employer only has to show he uses equal opportunity. The HRC only gets involved if a person makes a claim of discrimination. Noah is using family members as shipwrights, so the HRC would have no jurisdiction. Minority set-asides are only required for companies with government contracts.

quote:
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
A family business (i.e., one which employs only family members) is not required to be unionized.

quote:
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
Unless Noah is indebted to the IRS for previous non-payment of taxes, the IRS could care less if he leaves the country or not. Also, the IRS has nothing to do with endangered species.

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Ad astra per asparagus.

Posts: 4806 | From: Groton, CT | Registered: Jul 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Wild1
I'm Dreaming of a White Sale


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Dude, let it go, it's called humor. It's satire at its finest.

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W.W.L.R.H.D. -- He blinded me with science.

Posts: 28 | From: Dallas, TX | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Joseph Z
Xboxing Day


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"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

lol [Big Grin]

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Joseph Z

Posts: 1356 | From: Woodbridge, VA | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
ULGirl
Baby 100 Grand


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Seriously, this guy needs to chill out. What's he doing on this offbeat site? I expect to see this on the Christian Coalition site, not Snopes.

He also needs to take the you know what out of the you know where.

Posts: 4 | From: Philadelphia, PA | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
candycane from strangers
Angels Wii Have Heard on High


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Welcome to the boards ULGirl!

quote:
posted by ULGirl
Seriously, this guy needs to chill out. What's he doing on this offbeat site? I expect to see this on the Christian Coalition site, not Snopes.

The writer of the piece didn't actually post this to snopes, it was an email Senior recieved, which explains why it's in Inboxer Rebellion [Wink]


quote:
posted by ULGirl
He also needs to take the you know what out of the you know where.

Ummm...actually I don't know what, or where [Confused]

--------------------
Me: "He's 19? Uh oh, I bought him a beer."
A: "You contributed to the deliquency of a minor in drag!"
"Sweet spell check: keeping drunks off the radar since 1995."- IND
God Re-Animate Green Pork Bush

Posts: 3986 | From: Illinois, jealous? | Registered: Nov 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
lazerus the duck
The First USA Noel


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quote:
Originally posted by ULGirl:
Seriously, this guy needs to chill out. What's he doing on this offbeat site? I expect to see this on the Christian Coalition site, not Snopes.

He also needs to take the you know what out of the you know where.

[Confused] Do you really know the purpose of snopes? Especially the inboxer rebellion?

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All the world's a face, And all the men and women merely acne.

Posts: 673 | From: Glasgow, Scotland | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Troodon
It Came Upon a Midnight Clearance


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Is the e-mail in the OP trying to portray bureaucracy foiling God's plan to kill billions of people as a bad thing?

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Fools! You've over-estimated me!

Posts: 3745 | From: New York City | Registered: Jan 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Canuckistan
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by Wild1:
Dude, let it go, it's called humor. It's satire at its finest.

No it's not. It's political commentary that comes across as whiny. Not to mention childish and somewhat short-sighted.

Satire should make me laugh, even if I don't agree with it. This makes me upset, for many of the reasons Senior already pointed out.

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People need to stop appropriating Jesus as their reason for behaving badly. It's so irritating. (Avril)

Posts: 8429 | From: New York run by the Swiss (Toronto) | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Canuckistan
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV


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quote:
Originally posted by ULGirl:
Seriously, this guy needs to chill out. What's he doing on this offbeat site? I expect to see this on the Christian Coalition site, not Snopes.

He also needs to take the you know what out of the you know where.

Hi ULGirl. Welcome to the boards.

As CFS pointed out, in this forum, people post things they receive in their e-mail. It doesn't mean they wrote it, or even agree with it; it's posted for discussion.

(And BTW, if this irked you ... you might not want to check out Glurge Gallery. Or, maybe you do, if you can avoid the urge to throw things at your computer while reading the tripe there. [Wink] )

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People need to stop appropriating Jesus as their reason for behaving badly. It's so irritating. (Avril)

Posts: 8429 | From: New York run by the Swiss (Toronto) | Registered: Mar 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Dropbear
Angels from the Realms so Glurgy


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So the point of the piece is to bemoan the fact that people who hear God talking to them might be prevented from individually pillaging forests, from building large wooden structures in residential areas, from personally capturing and holding in small cages endangered wildlife and from generally behaving in a thoughtless and impractical manner.

Right. OK then.

Nothing much to add to that - poor old raving lunatics who are so horribly constrained by faceless bureaucrats.

Dropbear

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" The villagers had said justice had been done, and she'd lost patience and told them to go home, then, and pray to whatever gods they believed in that it was never done to them. -- (Terry Pratchett)

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RLobinske
Deck the Malls


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But the writer forgot about the Dept. of Agriculture requiring a permit to handle and store all the animal wastes that would be produced by the confined animals. [Smile]

What about international trafficking of endangered species?

Were all those imported animals properly inspected for disease and parasites?

Posts: 296 | From: Crawfordville, Florida | Registered: Dec 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
pob14
Jingle Bell Hock


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Plus, y'know, Noah would be like, what, 5000 years old by now. Hey -- now we know who's siphoning off all the Social Security money! [fish]

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Patrick

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Drainfluid
Deck the Malls


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It's bad enough that the aliens only ever invade the USA, but now Noah is American too?
Posts: 305 | From: South Africa | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Samantha Vimes
Jingle Bell Hock


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My reaction was the same as Trooodon's-- GO, government! Regulation Saves the World!
Posts: 457 | From: Sacramento, CA | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a moderator
Phil'sGirl
We Wish You a Merry Giftmas


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Senior, that was a great break-down of that e-mail. Kudos.

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"Nobody ever looks like McCarthy, sir. That's how they get in the door in the first place" Toby on The West Wing

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