posted
But but but if he's unaware, however will he learn?!?
Four Kitties
-------------------- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Posts: 13275 | From: Kindergarten World, Massachusetts | Registered: Jul 2003
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posted
I have noticed in many of these types of "glurge", the conservative wins the argument by physically assaulting the liberal. Is this a common conservative fantasy? Are there liberal equivilents?
-------------------- pat "Megadittoes Rush" young
THUMP, THUMP, THUMP Posts: 5442 | From: New York | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
Of course. In the liberal equivalent the soldier's blow bounces harmlessly off the professor, who is serene in the knowledge of his chi. The soldier then begins to practice Falun Gong, and the two drive their Prius to Massachusetts to get married. ETA: Oh, I forgot, they're both vegetarians.
Four Kitties
-------------------- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Posts: 13275 | From: Kindergarten World, Massachusetts | Registered: Jul 2003
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quote: Magdalene wrote: The problem with the two stories is there is a difference as to why the person is saying, "If there is a God, let him strike me down now." The first story, the professor is not being provoked into making such a statement, he is just being a snarky jerk, and probably has been a snarky jerk about other things. Most people probably want to hit him for some reason anyway.
The fireman is lashing out in a moment of grief and despair, and most people would sympathize and feel sorry for him, despite what he's saying.
It basically boils down to the attitude and situation. The two stories really aren't relevant to each other.
In both versions, someone gets punched because they said there is no God. The professor's attitude is just deck-stacking so you'll hate him more. Snopes' version is stacked the other way so you'll see the underlying point of the story is punching atheists to prove God exists.
As in this version:
THE MARINE AND THE ATHEIST PROFESSOR
An atheist professor, author of several books such as “Heartland America: Why I Hate It” and “Religion: Puerile Nonsense or Dangerous Threat?” was teaching his college class about the Gay Pagan Self-Esteem Program newly mandated by the state. He then told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Five minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting.”
Ten minutes. He continued to mercilessly trash-talk God, saying “What’s the matter, God? Don’t exist or something? That’s right, you best keep walkin’."
He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just returned from the Gulf and released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The Marine replied, "God was busy watching over my buddies engaged in combat, and my buddies wounded in combat, and my other buddies killed in combat."
“What’s your point?” the professor asked, placing his elitist horn rim eyeglasses back in place.
The Marine thought a moment. “So He sent me. To punch you. Because He was busy.”
Rubbing his weak, bewhiskered chin, the tweed-clad egghead asked, “So you’re saying an omnipotent, transcendent deity was incapable of multi-tasking? Or that your pugilistic abilities somehow make a convincing argument vis-à-vis the existence of said supernatural entity?”
The Marine fumed silently as the professor continued hectoring the class in his thin, nasal, New England academic voice. “Or are we to believe Jehovah himself placed you in this classroom for the express purpose of engaging me in fisticuffs to protect his honor? Why, even this little girl wouldn’t believe such nonsense,” he said, indicating little Suzy Jones in the front row, a young girl whose father was a fireman who died the previous week rescuing fetuses from a burning abortion clinic.
Little Suzy put her puppy Patches down and ran to the front of the class, kicking the professor soundly on his shins, until the balding Marxist collapsed again to the floor.
“Ah, yes…here we see a demonstration of the brutality inherent in the, ow, monotheistic tradition,” he pointed out, as Suzy and the Marine continued to rain kicks and punches onto his prostrate form. “Do I need to, ouch, point out that God has not in any strictly, oww, discernable manner actually, personally knocked me off this platform?” he asked, clinging in a fetal position to the podium.
Eventually the two defenders of the faith grew tired and stood by, sweaty and out of breath, as the professor dragged himself up to a standing position. “Yes…well, I think I’ve made my point,” he stated, his annoying, East Coast intellectual voice full of gloating despite the lack of several of his teeth.
“I will now prove that good and evil are merely relativistic Western concepts imposed on…”
Suddenly the door burst open and an imposing figure with a full, Hestonesque beard strode manfully into the classroom, rolling up the sleeves of his flowing white robe as he approached the professor.
“All right Poindexter,” he said in a commanding, booming voice, smiting the professor with a devastating roundhouse to the jaw that sent the snobbish Postmodernist hurtling from the platform.
“Right,” said God, adjusting his robes. “Want something done right, do it yourself.”
“Thank you, sir,” exclaimed the Marine, saluting sharply.
“Sure, sure,” replied God. Glancing at his watch, he strode quickly from the classroom. “Look, I gotta run…that typhoon isn’t going to devastate Bangladesh by itself.”
Posts: 307 | From: California | Registered: Jan 2004
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ZOIDRubashov
I'll Be Home for After Christmas Sales
posted
Here is my ending for the glurge.
A 4'11" female student calmly reached in her purse and removed a cell phone. She calmly dialed campus security/police.
The marine looked at her with a big grin. "Hey look what that idiot is doing," he pointed to the young woman. "She's going to report me. Do you think any one will take that old professor's side."
"I will," the young woman asnwered. "You committed assault in front of me and I'm a witness."
"You wouldn't dare," snarled the Marine.
"Yes I would. This is America and we have a right to express our opinons without fear. What happens the next time one of us disagrees with you? I don't know about God, but I believe in free speech and I hate bullies."
Just then the campus police picked up and the young lady reported the crime she had just witnessed.
Posts: 201 | From: Columbus, GA | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
Brian, Zoid, I must thank you for making me laugh my head off and renewing my hope in humanity.
-------------------- "You see? The mysteries of the Universe are revealed when you break stuff." Coop from MegasXLR
"I distrust who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." -- Susan B. Anthony Posts: 2246 | From: Oklahoma | Registered: Jul 2003
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GranolaSuicideSpawn
The Red and the Green Stamps
posted
I'd like to say I don't think the modified version is analogous to the original. I understand the point you're trying to make, snopes, but the changes don't lend the same meaning.
By this I mean, first of all, the original doesn't have a horrible tragedy where someone is in great pain and wondering how God could possibly let such a thing happen. Just a pompous professor throwing out a dare. Quite a different scenario, especially in light of the coming kick.
Kicking someone when they are in horrible pain after trying to save many lives from a tragic fire is pretty different than the original scenario, I mean. It doesn't make the worshiper in the second story look good whatsoever; not that the Marine looks "good" but few people mind a pompous ass getting kicked in a fictional story, while most people (including Muslims) might object to kicking a fireman who just proved unable to save children from a fire.
But more importantly, I think, is that the first story doesn't name "God." It's just "God." That makes a big difference, because so far as I know Muslims call Allah "God" too. The God in the original story is generic. No one said Jahweh or Jesus. That seems to be something people read into it, though I'm not sure why. Maybe because Christians inevitably forward glurge? No matter, naming God changes the whole tenor of the story, whichever way you slice it.
Thus while I appreciate the point you're trying to make, I don't think those modifications really hold up to any scrutiny. It probably could be changed to do so, but you'd have to merely hint at the God in question (I suppose it's the Marine being an American that gives some subliminal clue that he's either Christian or Jewish and not Muslim; perhaps there is some other suitable vague clue that would suggest the kicker is a Muslim without making it clear at all.)
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quote:I'd like to say I don't think the modified version is analogous to the original. I understand the point you're trying to make, snopes, but the changes don't lend the same meaning.
As the prefacing "Comment:" indicates, that item was sent to us by a reader, not written by me.
If I were trying to come up with a counter-example, I'd write something like this:
quote:An atheist Marine D.I. was breaking in new recruits and told the group that he was going to prove that there is no God. He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."
He got down to the last couple of minutes, when a homosexual recruit walked up to the D.I., hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform. The D.I. struggled up, obviously shaken, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you, maggot face? What the f*ck did you do that for?"
The homosexual recruit replied, "God was busy watching over my lover, who has AIDS."
quote:But more importantly, I think, is that the first story doesn't name "God." It's just "God." That makes a big difference, because so far as I know Muslims call Allah "God" too. The God in the original story is generic. No one said Jahweh or Jesus. That seems to be something people read into it, though I'm not sure why.
Why does it matter which god? And no, the "God" in the original story is not generic. If you're talking to someone and you say "Well, Mom said that it would be a good idea to..." would we be wrong in assuming you meant your own mother and not just mothers in general or a generic mother anyone could assume? Besides, since the only people I'm aware of that use the appellation "God" are Jews, Christians, and Muslims, and since they do all worship the same god, then "God" is not generic because nobody would assume you meant Shiva or Demeter or Bob.
pinqy
-------------------- Don't Forget! Winter Solstice Hanukkah Christmas Kwanzaa & Gurnenthar's Ascendance Are Coming! Posts: 8671 | From: Washington, DC | Registered: Feb 2000
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GranolaSuicideSpawn
The Red and the Green Stamps
posted
Ok; let me clarify pinqy. The "God" in the original was generic enough to *include* Jews, Christians, and Muslims. The three major religions of the world. So then what's the point of purposely changing it to "Allah"; the point the author was trying to make in changing it thus is then lost.
Snopes; I agree, and I'm sorry I thought you wrote it! That story definitely makes the point and is analogous Thanks for clarifying for me.
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quote:So then what's the point of purposely changing it to "Allah"; the point the author was trying to make in changing it thus is then lost.
I think it perfectly exemplifies the point the author was trying to make: people only approve of "defense of religion" (or "defense of God") tales such as this when the religion/God being defended is their own.
quote:Originally posted by GranolaSuicideSpawn: Snopes; I agree, and I'm sorry I thought you wrote it! That story definitely makes the point and is analogous Thanks for clarifying for me.
Pssst! GSS, as long as we're letting you in on the niceties of the board (such as "Comment:" means snopes didn't write something), might I point out to you that snopes doesn't capitalize the first letter of his name?
Four Kitties
-------------------- If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Posts: 13275 | From: Kindergarten World, Massachusetts | Registered: Jul 2003
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GranolaSuicideSpawn
The Red and the Green Stamps
posted
Merci, Kitties. I capitalized it because it was the first word in the sentence. I missed the word "comment" in the OP though I'm not sure why.
I see what you're saying, snopes, but it doesn't mesh to me with what pinqy said. Your version is the only one so far that is actually analogous, IMO.
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Ms Stressa
The Red and the Green Stamps
posted
In my ending of the story, the professor would have the Marine arrested for assault and kicked out of his class. As a result of his actions, the Marine is expelled from college, and must pay the military back for his tuition. In a funk over the unfairness of this judgement, he gets drunk at a local bar and tears the place up. This gets him tossed into jail again, triggering a disciplinary hearing. He is broke, worried about getting kicked out of the military, and getting sent to jail when the professor's lawsuit arrives, suing him for 10 million dollars.
"Dammit! Why have you forsaken me Lord, when I was doing your work?" the Marine cries to heaven.
From heaven above, God answers: "It's like this, son - you're a dickhead and a bully. And nobody likes a bully."
He then flushes his head down the toilet, or cries like a girl or something -- Stressa
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posted
Altered Ending - {snip} He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just returned from the Gulf and released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up [edit]
the aisle until the athiest fireman/drummer/bassist jumped if front of him and walked up to the podium and punched the professor in the face. The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
"Because A- This is a state university. B- I'm an adult returning student who's paying my own tuition. C- You're trying to convert the faithful for no productive outcome and D- this a 'Music Theory' class".
posted
I wonder if people would find the professor's behavior obnoxious (and possibly actionable; certainly not appropriate in any way for a classroom) if he'd stood up there and indeed said, "I am here and I'm going to PROVE to you there is no Allah. Allah, come on, knock me down and show these dopes you exist!"
I'm just saying. Professors mocking and scorning the religious faith of classmembers...doesn't seem professional or appropriate in any sense.
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Richard W
Ding Dong! Merrily on High Definition TV
posted
quote:GranolaSuicideSpawn said: Professors mocking and scorning the religious faith of classmembers...doesn't seem professional or appropriate in any sense.
Well, I doubt they do it much, any more than most generic-theistic marines would punch somebody in the face for being annoying. Um, perhaps even less.
Posts: 8725 | From: Ipswich - the UK's 9th Best Place to Sleep! | Registered: Feb 2000
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posted
Here's my beef. This kind of shit is always happening in paranoid-glurgy-conservative fantasies about universities. I never saw anything remotely like this.
I am a Christian myself and try to remain open-minded, but I remember being accosted by evangelicals who assumed we college kids were all Satan-worshippers much more frequently than I ever heard athiests telling me there's no God.
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posted
Forget God, forget Marines, forget everything. I'm sure as hell not going to pay thousands of dollars a year so I can watch some dipshit stand on a platform for 15 minutes, doing nothing.
Posts: 223 | From: Hudson Valley, New York | Registered: Nov 2004
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jumpinjonflash2
The Red and the Green Stamps
posted
Except that doesn't really happen in real life, just in these conservative anti-intellectual fantasies.
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posted
I just received this variant of the "evil atheist professor" glurge today. (It seems that God is now outsourcing assaulting atheists to the Navy. )
quote:A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that for once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!" The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by. "I'm waiting God, if you're real, knock me off this platform!!!!" Again after 5 minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God!!! I'm still waiting!!!" His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold!! The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent.....waiting. Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the hell is the matter with you?! Why did you do that!?" "God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid crap and act like an asshole!!! So he sent me!!"
Brian
-------------------- "Dear Big Foot Smellers: Please don't quote me on some of this information." John F. Winston Posts: 1707 | From: Camarillo, CA | Registered: Mar 2000
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quote:"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid crap and act like an asshole!!! So he sent me!!"
but if the soldiers are protecting his rights to say stupid crap are the same one's punching him for saying stupid crap...oh, never mind...
Posts: 307 | From: California | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
I like how they throw the ACLU into the mix in this new incarnation. Nothing is less American that civil liberties.
-------------------- Come on, come on - spin a little tighter Come on, come on - and the world's a little brighter Posts: 5595 | From: Columbus, OH : The Soccer Capital of America | Registered: Sep 2002
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posted
The multiple exclamation marks in that glurge amuse me because I read them as short yells or shrieks. For example, in my mind, "God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid crap and act like an asshole!!! So he sent me!!" becomes "God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid crap and act like an asshole! Aah! Aah! So he sent me! Aah!"
Posts: 3745 | From: New York City | Registered: Jan 2004
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quote:Originally posted by chillas, alone again naturally: I like how they throw the ACLU into the mix in this new incarnation. Nothing is less American that civil liberties.
Funny isn't it? My dad was a lifelong Republican, a conservative, a veteran, a member of the American Legion and the Knights of Columbus. He was also a member of the ACLU. He thought freedom of speech was a conservative value.
-------------------- pat "Megadittoes Rush" young
THUMP, THUMP, THUMP Posts: 5442 | From: New York | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
Is snopes's "Muslim man" version supposed to carry the implication that the man was a terrorist who started the fire? Or is his point that people only support defense of religion when they follow the religion being defended?
And am I the only one who found the last line sort of funny? It's almost more like a joke than a glurge to me.
I think it would be a glurgier glurge if the atheist professor was confronted by a terminally ill child. That way, two of the most popular recurring glurge characters can meet to create the ultimate glurge.
Posts: 885 | From: Florida | Registered: May 2004
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posted
I feel so inadequate, since I'm supposed to have fantasies about violence against liberals. There must be something wrong with me.
Here's my non-violent ending:
Immediately after the professor makes his pronouncement, a marine, recently returned from Iraq, spoke up.
"Well, professor, you've convinced me already."
The professor beamed. "Really?" he asked eagerly.
The marine nodded. "Yep. If there were a God, my parents wouldn't be spending thirty grand a year for me to listen to self-important tweedbags like you. Criminey. What a peurile proof. Were you stoned in your grad-level philosophy classes? Have you read Luke 4:12 or Deuteronomy 6:16? There isn't a serious thinker alive who expects any sort of diety to respond to childish demands for proof of its existence."
The marine shook his head. "Screw this noise. I'm going to go get a beer, lay out on the lawn, listen to some tunes, maybe try to get laid. It's not like I was going to pay attention in here anyway. Everyone knows it's a gut class and you can get a B just by vomiting back whatever twaddle is the academic flavor of the month."
And the Marine sauntered easily out of the classroom, as his classmates snickered at the professor.
-------------------- With occasional, half-hearted, semi-literate blogging comes great responsibility. Posts: 1621 | From: Los Angeles | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
I'm surprised nobody's mentioned the fact that hitting a professor will probably get a student thrown out of college. Is it really worth it to spend all that money on tutition and books, only to be removed from school over hitting a professor who's obviously a disrespectful loser? Seems like a waste of money to me. Not to mention the assault charges.
Posts: 885 | From: Florida | Registered: May 2004
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jumpinjonflash2
The Red and the Green Stamps
posted
quote:Originally posted by PatYoung:
quote:Originally posted by chillas, alone again naturally: I like how they throw the ACLU into the mix in this new incarnation. Nothing is less American that civil liberties.
Funny isn't it? My dad was a lifelong Republican, a conservative, a veteran, a member of the American Legion and the Knights of Columbus. He was also a member of the ACLU. He thought freedom of speech was a conservative value.
One of the professors at my school was high up in the ACLU leadership at one point, and he was a Republican. As was my roommate, who also joined the ACLU, before he worked for Bush 41 when he was VP and very close to the top of the Commerce Dept when Bush 41 was President. Of course, he's probably at Gitmo now that GW is in charge, due to those "un-American" activities.
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posted
Unfortunately, the idea that the ACLU is simply an organization intent on stamping out christianity plays very well among those that wish to feel persecuted.
Posts: 418 | From: New Port Richey, FL | Registered: Apr 2005
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-------------------- “Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn't mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.” -- Edward R. Murrow
posted
CW accidentally resurrected this thread, so I decided to read it anyway. Two posts on the first page made me grin. The better one was about two/thirds down by Brian O'Blivion, truly primo stuff. The other one was at least mildly amusing and at the end of the page. I was halfway through it before I noticed the author.
It's way past my bedtime.
- P
Posts: 1856 | From: Milwaukee, WI | Registered: Jul 2001
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Thanks for clarifying for me.
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